Better Late Than Never

Somewhere to plop out ideas...

2012-02-10T15:10:00.000Z

Yes, I've been gone for ages without any explanation, but I'm back now. For a bit at least. What did you do since last April? I did my first Edinburgh run last August (mostly a nightmare), then I got back and hit more brick walls than I care to mention. Emotional brick walls, Creative brick walls, Career brick walls... as I say, all kinds of walls. Well they say you build your own walls, but I'm slowly trying to knock through a few of mine.

So, In December, I finally quit my job, after years of complaining about life at the council... in the end things got really horrible, so I chose my happiness and sanity over financial security and I have to say it felt great to leave all that horror behind me.

I'm off work for the moment, so I have some time on my hands and looking for somewhere to dump ideas and try and do a bit more writing. I'm guessing this is as publicly private as anything else - no one I know that was blogging when I began really still bothers and I doubt anyone will read this unless I choose to draw attention to it.

I still do stand up comedy. I'm still only gigging once or twice per week, but still going says something doesn't it? Dumb persistence... Still on the open mic circuit. Still doing mostly five minute spots, but most of all, still enjoying myself. (Most of the time.) It does form 90% of my social life and takes care of a similarly large chunk of my self esteem, so I've no choice but to continue for the time being

I was bold enough to complain this week about my lack of success in relationships and was told - "You have two cats and a nice checked shirt. What more do you want?" In fairness, I was probably talking to the wrong person, but if that isn't an incentive to turn things around, I don't know what is!

Anyway, imagine this is me dipping my toe back into the world of blogging. Imagine there are people reading... Imagine you need something to know it is worth visiting here again... Well

Imagine I'll write more in the future about what is fun and what is not about being at home all day and explain my views and experience of job hunting.
Imagine I'll wow you with intimate gossip from the world of open mic comedy and insightful gig reports.
Imagine I've invited you in ... as I rebuild my life ... from single jobless aimless sofa dweller into successful creative type with a fulfilling day job and happy relationships,
or just watch as the shit really hits the fan and my life falls to pieces... or maybe a bit of both.

For now, here are a few pictures from the last ten months of Og-land.

1) Attempting to write an Edinburgh set - Spring 11.

2) Post 'Race for Life' with Mummy Ogs - July 11.

3 and 4) Cakes I made - Summer 11.

5) Drunk in a borrowed hat in Edinburgh - August 11.

6) An aptly named street in Islington, where I used to hide in breaks from hateful work - September - November 11.

7 and 8) The cats - All the time.

9) The only Veg harvested from the garden - September 11.

10) Another cake - December 11

Getting Published.

2011-04-14T16:23:00.003+01:00

I mentioned I've been baking, didn't I?

Well my boss caught onto this... what with all the cake I kept giving her. Then she saw something on the interent about Shelter encouraging people to hold bake sales to raise money for the work they do with the homeless types. She said we should have a bake sale and before I knew it, I was the poor sucker organising it.

Actually it went really well and we raised quite a bit of money. It has worked wonders for my profile as I've also been asked to write a piece for our departmental bulletin - "The Core Brief". Yes people, I've hit the big time. I think you'll agree I've really captured the correct 'hint of cheese' in the tone of first piece of local journalism... ok, in-house communications.

Strategy and Commissioning Get Baking for Shelter.

Strategy and Commissioning got their aprons on and mixing bowls out this April to bake cakes in aid of Shelter. The team took part in Shelter's "Cake Time" event, selling their tasty delights to all their HASS and PCT colleagues at Goswell Road.

The sale took place on Thursday 8th April with a delicious spread of baked goodies including carrot cake, chocolate brownies, cream scones and cookies to name but a few. It was great to see so many people willing to get involved. There were even a few first time bakers who say they'll be baking more now they've given it a go. Thanks to everyone who took part by creating such a great range of sweet treats and all those who enjoyed the cakes on sale and generously donated to a good cause.

The sale was a huge success and generated a terrific £242. All the money raised will go to supporting Shelter help homeless and badly housed families across Britain find and keep a decent, permanent home.

That's my carrot cake, which sold out the fastest. Not that I'm bragging. OK, I'm bragging a bit, but I can now I'm a successful fundraiser and soon to be published journalist. Sort of...

Rushed.

2011-03-31T18:41:00.004+01:00

This is more so I can say that there were two posts in March and I've doubled monthly productivity... Go me. Oh yeah and to say that we are going to Edinburgh - we've even seen our programme proof! That is all amazing/scary/pick your own words - we're all entitled to an opinion. I'll keep you up to date on boring details like show names and times. Anyway, I'm off to meet a friend now. Maybe I'll post three times in April - maybe not... Thanks x

Not Always Better Late Than Never

2011-03-13T14:17:00.005Z

Meh, usual apologies for only posting once a month. Oh well, let's crack on...

To begin, a word to the wise ...

According to their website, The Laughing Horse Free Fringe in Edinburgh takes applications for performers wanting to put on a show, up to early April, but what the novice performer (well relatively novice) with no experience of applying to the free fringe may not know is that it is wise to get in early. They say they don't operate on a first come first served basis, which you might think means that you don't have to rush, but you would do well to. I think they say that more to excuse themselves from having to accept completely inappropriate applications or those from total nut jobs, just because they are the first to arrive in their inbox. They do fill up spaces as they get applications they are willing to accept and there are never going to be enough to go around all the budding performers wanting their chance at Edinburgh fun.

I'm not bitching about Laughing Horse, I wouldn't want to be in charge of something like that and they give people great opportunities to fulfill their dreams.

Thing is, having found someone who wants to share a show this year, imagine my shock and horror when I found out from a helpful chap at a gig, that pretty much all spaces had been allocated and our application submitted at the beginning of March probably wasn't going to get us to the Watford Gap, let alone Edinburgh. Ouchy ouch ouch.

I sent my Ed buddy a text right away to see if he could find out what the situation was, or if he wanted me to follow it up. It turns out there are a few spaces left, but the choice is very limited and no guarantees we'll be lucky enough to get one. I've had everything crossed for days now, waiting to see what happens.

I am quaking in my plimsoles at the prospect of performing for nearly thirty minutes every day, but I know I need a rocket up my bum if I'm going to get anywhere with comedy and I had hoped Edinburgh would be that rocket... Now, more than anything, I'm terrified I won't get to live my Edinburgh dreams until next year, because I really want the experience and the progression this year, so please please Laughing Horse give us a chance.

I'm all geared up to work my little comedy tushy off for this, so will you cross your fingers too and I'll keep you posted as to what happens next... ?

I've been sitting around in a pair of delightful boxer short pants today, coupled with some very fetching knee length socks, but Becki could come home anytime now, so I better go put some jogging bottoms on.

Oh no, just having a final read through and she came in and found me. (I heard the gate go, but it is a long sprint down the corridor to my room.) The image of me screaming "shiiiiiit" and my under carriage wobbling down the corridor will surely be seared into her mind for years to come.

Take it easy peeps x

Valentine’s Day Special

2011-02-14T16:57:00.002Z

Hey, whassup?

Norm asked me recently if I’d given up blogging. No Norm, I’m just a lazy blogger. As a result - sometimes a week goes by and I haven’t blogged. Sometimes a month goes by and I haven’t blogged. Sometimes I lose track of how long it’s been and people feel the need to check if I’ve quit completely. This blog is not dead yet, I like to think that when I do sink this nonsensical barnacle covered porthole into my mind, I’ll make some grander gesture than just not writing for a month or so. There’ll be cannons and somebody walking the plank and other nautical themed scenes of finality.

So, I said I’d keep writing, then I let you down again, by not keep writing. Hey, I've been baking and will post some pictures of my first few rounds of cake, but all that can come later. First off - a special day like today needs a special note.

It is quarter to five in the afternoon on Valentine’s Day and I am so proud of myself. Yes, I am full of joy and pride.

Have I found my special Valentine?

Well no.

Have I received countless gifts, cards and flowers from anonymous admirers?

Well no.

No, I’ll tell you why I feel such pride – it is because I’ve managed to keep my misery and cynicism to myself all day. In fact, I’ve not even experienced any real misery to be honest. I did glare at a couple smiling and whispering at each other on the tube this morning, but that sort of behaviour is inappropriate at 8.45 am, whatever day of the week.

I’d genuinely like to wish friends in happy couples all the best for the day, even if it has been over commercialised. You enjoy yourselves. Eat chocolate until you’re slightly nauseus and snog more than usual – as long as you do both behind closed doors. Some of us are doing Weight Watchers as well as being single don’t you know.

While I’m at it, I’d like to tell all my single friends who are maybe feeling a bit low today… Don’t feel low. There is always next year. Chances are - you’ll still be single next year as well, but by then, you might have developed much more robust coping strategies.

Coping strategies like me – pissed since breakfast x

This Blog Post Has No Point.

2011-01-19T17:36:00.001Z

Hello old friend... I’m a wee bit late for Happy New Years, but I do sincerely hope you are ripping the arse out of 2011. Does that expression really work? Have I misused it? It sounds a bit grim. I think that might not really be what you should be doing to a brand new year…

What did you get for Christmas? I got a Henry. I love it. I never thought I could enjoy doing my vacuuming, but now I kind of do. I mean I’d rather be watching TV or in the pub, or eating a huge pizza, but as housework goes, Henry has made mine a whole lot more cheery. My old vax was a piece of shite by comparison. Yes, I said it. Shite.

I finally got a start date for my new job. 1st February… so I’m counting down the days left in Performance. (7 of them – after today.) The piece of work I’m doing at the moment has to be finished by tomorrow, so that could be a quiet six days until I move teams. I won’t be taking on lots of new work at this late stage…

Things I saw in the park today :

Two squirrels scampering around a tree together. I think they might have been on their third date… I dare say if I’d stuck around, I’d have seen squirrel snogs.
Pigeon sex parties. Spring has sprung in pigeon land too. There was posturing and puffing out of necks. I didn’t see the bonking, but it was on the cards.
A goose giving me the evil eye. Never trust a goose.
Lunchtime walk through park to Tesco – two young people sat hand in hand on a bench.
Walking back through park from Tesco to office – same two young people not really talking to each other and the girl young person wiping tears off her face. I wonder if the boy young person had just finished with her. It didn’t look good.

There was lots of other useless twoddle I meant to share, but I’m off home now.

In 2011, I’m going to get much better at comedy and somewhat thinner. I’ll probably get married and have three children too. I’ll get a puppy and a book deal. This time next year, I’ll be way too busy for this here blog. Just you wait and see.

Oh, I’ve taken up baking. That isn’t going to help me get thinner or get a puppy, but it passes some time at the weekends.… my colleagues seem pleased. No more cake for them from the 1st February though…

Christmas Cheer...(Part 2)

2010-12-21T16:22:00.003Z

OK, so the Christmas cheer is rapidly running out, but I think I've done really well to last this long.

I think one problem this year is I'm trying to drink less than normal. I've been drinking shitloads over the past few months. OK, I've been drinking shitloads for years now, but just by way of a breather, for the last couple of weeks, I've been trying to dot a few non drinking days in between the drunken haze days. I think perhaps this is misguided. Christmas is no time for sobriety. I'm not sure that there is a good time for sobriety... anyway ... Christmas Progress.

1
I posted a total of 16 Christmas cards. Not including any that I gave by hand to close friends. Yep, pretty good going hey? I'm totally propping up the Royal Mail.

2
My elf capers continued. As part of our office Christmas lunch, Melly (elf costume designer) persuaded me to put the costume back on and give out our Secret Santa presents out. I'm not entirely sure how I got talked into doing this and it was considerably more embarrassing than dressing up in the context of a Children's fayre.

Well we learn something new every day. And so from one wise (wo)man to another... If you're at work dressed as an elf and one of your colleague suggests you take the Director a mince pie, just say "No, don't be so bloody stupid". Or take that mince pie to the Director, confuse the fuck out of him and experience the most awkward fifteen seconds of both your careers.

3
In the corner shop on Sunday, Becki and I found an old man who was having terrible difficulty breathing and was clearly in a pretty bad way. Becki sprang to work, doing all her best bandage club moves on him. She got him comfortable on a chair (provided by the usually grumpy shop owner) and he (Alf, the old boy) said he wasn't going to be able to walk home, so we called him a cab. We waited for the cab with him and went with him to see he got safely back through the snow.

When he got in his house, Alf sat on his sofa and in no time was gasping merrily on a big oxygen cannister, while we got busy robbing him blind. No, we didn't really rob him. We just politely declined a cup of tea, saw that he was ok and made our way back to the shop where Becki had left her Coca Cola by mistake. Alf's house was a bit sad. There was no carpet, no wallpaper or paint and a big full ashtray next to his oxygen can. Look on the brightside though. He had a bottle of cheap whiskey and a really nice telly. We both went home with a warm glow from helping an elderly neighbour in need during the festive season.

4
I've spent heaps of money in the last few days on 'last minute gifts', which actually seemed to be pretty much everything I needed to get. Far from a warm glow, I've got a cold dread about having to wrap the whole bastard lot up!

This next story is a bit boring, not related to Christmas, but happened yesterday.

I was in a chain pub that shall remain nameless last night and ordered a sweet potato curry. The waiter man came over and told me that they had no sweet potato curry. It might have been sweet potato. I can't quite remember. It was some veggie curry. They didn't have it, so I ordered a "Gourmet Veggie Burger" instead.

When my burger arrived, it had the most sad and miserable, brown looking side order of chips I'd ever seen. The waiter man put the food down and disappeared, but returned quickly to the table with 51p, (the difference in price between the two meals) and I asked him - "Why don't my chips look like the chips in the picture?" I was chuckling as I asked him, because they didn't look anything like the picture or anything like chips. The waiter looked at my chips and thought about it for a second - I awaited some smart response -This is what he said, "Erm, because yours are overcooked and burnt."

At least I wasn't imagining it. He got me new chips.

We only went in the chain pub to escape the snow. We probably won't go again for a while.

Right everyone has left work now, so I'm going to leave too.

In case I don't write before, have a Merry Christmas. I'm off out to get drunk. It is the only true way to enjoy the Festive Season. I should be sober again some time in the New Year. xx

Christmas Cheer...

2010-12-13T15:49:00.009Z

Unlike previous years, when I've been struck down with a huge dose of the bah-humbugs, this year, I am embracing the festive season with abundance. Here's how...

1) I put up my tree. It is the same shabby little artificial tree I have decorated for seven or more years. It is only a 3-foot B&Q number, but I'm sure you'll agree that even plonked on a coffee table and over loaded with twinkly lights, tinsel, balls and various cuddly ornaments it does the job.

2) I sent four Christmas Cards. I'll send more, but I was aiming for the last posting day to Canada with the first four.

3) I 'did my bit' volunteering at St Luke's Day Centre on Saturday. I was the Christmas Elf at the Santa's Grotto. The Grotto was incredibly popular and Santa ran out of gifts with half an hour still to go. So lots of the children only got a bag of sweets instead of a proper gift. They didn't have to pay £2 though and since I'd seen the quality of Santa's gifts, I'd say they got the better deal. Anyway, here is the picture as promised ... (It is just as well I am already in the habit of leaving my dignity at home on the weekends.)

A colleague/friend of mine Melly made the costume. I think it is marvellous. She could have made the hat a bit taller though. Also, it looks like I'm poking Santa in the face with my elf ear.

Poor Santa.

The Results Are In

2010-12-08T16:53:00.003Z

We had an overwhelming response to the straw poll. Hmmm, I say overwhelming, but well - two people replied and that is enough for me (thanks Su and Ade)... And the decision was - the blog lives to see another day. I’ll try and keep it updated at least once a week. We’ll just see how things go though shall we…

It has been ages since I’ve really written anything and not keeping up with this has left my creativity a bit rusty and cobwebby and not really much use to anyone … so it may be a slow start, but stick with it and hopefully we’ll get back into the crazy anecdotes and hilarious observations in no time. Did those ever happen before? Who cares, let’s look forward to them in the future…

I guess I should fill in a few of the gaps. September to November in one quick update … well maybe not too quick - this is me... Always striving for brevity... Always rambling on unnecessarily …

So - What’s been going on?

FLAT

I’m all moved in and happily settled with Sprogs now. We are like a proper old lez couple and have even received our first joint Christmas card. (thanks Norm) We had a house warming party. We’ve got new sofas and lovely shelves. I mean who could ask for more. I think Becki would ask that cats stop leaving anonymous gifts on her bed (sick and muddy paw prints - that kind of thing), but I can’t see what her problem is. There is no pleasing some people.

ROMANCE

Fate is a funny bitch at times… A week after I moved in to the new flat, ready to begin my new start with Sprogs, living the happy go lucky bachelorette dream, I met a very decent chap called Pete at a friend’s after work drinks. We hit it off and we started seeing each other. Oh yeah - Just like that!

And guess what. I pulled the relationship to pieces, found fault at every opportunity and within three months, I’d reached the end of my tether and called it quits... Ahem, I did have my reasons, but least said, soonest mended…Ha ha ha, I’m glad I’m not following some hideously predictable pattern of meeting people, making attachments then losing my bottle a few months down the line. That would be awful!

So… I’m single once again and am trying to get back into my writing and gigs and knitting. It’s much less complicated for me this way. Better for all concerned really. Yep, single is great!

*secretly weeping at my complete ineptitude where relationships are concerned.*

*sniffles and moves on – who cares anyway*

JOB

Oh, you know how fed up I was with my job? Well - First round of Tory Cu ts…They only deleted my post. Not exactly the way I’d hoped to end my six years in local government performance. I was a mix between shit-scared and feeling as if I’d had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

While colleagues (some who have barely spoken to me before) were offering their sympathies, I was secretly looking forward to getting myself one of those blankies with a hood and sleeves and snuggling down to pass the cold winter months watching Jeremy Kyle and Diagnosis Murder.

Alas, it is not to be. For once, I am a victim of my own success. Colleagues encouraged me to apply for two fixed term Contracts Officer posts that were being advertised. I did so and before the four-week consultation period of our restructure (including my post deletion) was even complete, I’d landed myself a new job. I start in the New Year… not just a coincidence then that I’m now blogging my way through my notice period on the old job…

COMEDY

I’ve barely managed to maintain a gig rate of one per week, just about clinging on to that. I had some really nice gigs back in October and early November, but it has been a bit sketchy the last few weeks. My beef, not the fault of the gigs... onwards and upwards hey?

ROUND UP

Gosh, my “just filling in the gaps a bit exercise” has made me realise it has been quite a hectic few months really. I don’t feel so bad for abandoning the blog now.

I thought I had nothing to say and then all that came spilling out… Wowee Zowee.

This Saturday I’ve volunteered to be an Elf at a Christmas Fayre taking place at one of Islington’s Day Centres. So… at least there should be some cheeky photos of that for next week’s update. As I said in my facebook status earlier today – Elves do drink Guinness and swear don’t they? Ho ho ho.

Straw Poll...

2010-11-30T17:17:00.006Z

Err, is anyone interested in the continuation of this blog?

I mean lately - it hasn't really been happening has it? But I've been real busy - I had my hair dyed and that took quite a long time.... (2 hours including the cut and blow dry)

I'm thinking of reviving it. The blog ... maybe!? In part really, coz I've sort of lost my comedy mojo and maybe keeping this would help me find it again. Probably not...

Maybe I could make it a bit more topical - Like oh, did anyone see the weather today? Here is a picture of my new garden in the snow!

Plus I'm single again and it is this, knitting or endless hours of masturbation.

I'd be more inclined to update the little beast, if I thought you'd like to read some more bits and bobs.

So, err, yeah, just let me know.

MOVING TOMORROW

2010-08-26T08:18:00.004+01:00

I'm moving flat tomorrow. I've lived in this flat for almost 9 years. WTF? Where did that go?

In the first few years, I got my first fish tank and I got my two furry feline friends, Mornington and Lucy and of course - I got rid of my useless tossbag of a boyfriend too.

Then the years merge into one big hazy blur. I left my job at Transport for London and soon found myself working at Islington Council, where still I lurk.

I put in a new kitchen at some stage.

I went to quite a few festivals.

I volunteered at the zoo.

I even took up comedy two years ago.

I've lost old friends and made new ones. I am lucky to know some fantastic people.

I've met and spent time with various different men... none of those - The One... a fair amount of freaks!

I guess I never planned to still be single... over seven years after splitting from Steph, but shitting heck, you can't plan for love hey!?

SO...

Although the sale of this flat and purchase of my new home has taken ten months, it has been a lot longer than that as a plan for myself. For years, I have harboured not so secret longings to expand into a two bedroom place, with my very own little garden... and now it is happening.

I guess when I thought of that little place, I saw it as something I'd be doing with a partner. After a long old time, I started to realise, maybe I shouldn't wait for the partner to get the home I want...As it happens, I am doing it with someone I love. I wouldn't bone her, but I think we'll be happy for a while...

Someone I work with laughed at me, when I got a bit emotional and explained - "this is my little dream flat I'm getting here." He scoffed, saying something along the lines of "Christ Jo, Your Dream Flat is a Two bed flat in Walthamstow? I think I'd probably have gone for an Exclusive Loft Apartment in Central London or something a bit more up market."

"Yes", I said... "but I'm getting this flat and you still rent a room from a mate, so who is the stupid one, between us?"

Anywho, enough of this navel gazing, I still have a lot of rubbish to clear up, a lot of boxes to pack and a lot of cleaning to do. I might be without internet for a few weeks, but I'll be back on as soon as I can to tell you how the big move went.

Moving Areas for concern:

1) Killing Roger the Goldfish in transit.

2) Mum and Dad killing each other in transit. I'd have opted for Mum not to be involved, but she has involved herself. She is very good and get things done, but has that tone that is seriously bossy and can increase tensions very quickly. I do not want a tense moving day!

3) Escaped or traumatised kitties.

4) Being up all night tonight, because I wasted the day on the interwebs...?

On that Note - Wish me well people... I'm going up in the world.

Edinburgh

2010-08-26T07:25:00.003+01:00

As some of you may know, I have recently returned from a week in Edinburgh. I travelled up with Norman Cho and can put all your minds at rest, that: Yes, he is just as obsessive in person, as he is in his amazing blog. I think we got on ok though, I'm used to my own company or that of the cats, so when faced with extended periods around actual people, I do worry how I might react. Well, if I haven't thrown furniture at you after a few hours or broken in to relentless sobbing, then I'm tolerating you to a fairly decent standard... Norm didn't ever run screaming from me, so I take that as a good sign.

The journey and all the arrangements seemed fine, with me opting, after some deliberation to stay in student digs although Norm had offered me a room in his flat a little further out. I like to have my own bathroom and a bit of extra privacy. It's a girl thing.

I didn't get to see quite as many shows as I'd planned. One day was spent out of the game with a sickness bug, one day spent out of the game ... on the phone to my solicitor and several other days where I lacked the focus required to get me to the right places at the right time, but most days I saw two or three shows and I even blagged free entry into 2 So You Think You're Funny Semi Finals and a few other shows too. I took a walk around the Museum one day and a walk up to the Royal Botanic Gardens, not forgetting what a very special city Edinburgh is!

It was overall a really good week. I got to see the shows and performances of some of my comedy buddies including, but not exclusively, Laura Carr, Lindsay Sharman, Paul Duncan McGarrity, Ant Dewson and David Gibson. I spent a few happy nights at Get Happy and did a fair amount of drinking with various different people depending on who I had latched myself onto...

I knew before I went that next year I want to do the whole run at the Edinburgh Fringe, probably as part of a two or three person show. What I really got a taste for this year is how horrible it will be. It will be exhausting. It will be demoralising. It will be expensive and a lot of the times it won't be funny!

People I spoke to aren't just doing their own shows; most if not all, are doing an extra spot or two (or three or four) per day. Add in the flyering and the drinking... Well, did I mention it is exhausting? Thing is, it is an incredible way to experience the business of comedy. I'd stick my neck out and say there is probably no other way to immerse yourself in comedy, than to go all in and do a month Edinburgh. Then at the end, you come back and you take your place on the open mic scene, but you come back with more material, you come back and five minutes is like a stroll in the park. Maybe if it goes ok and it doesn't break you, you come back and you have learnt immense amounts and you are much stronger comedian for it.

During my week, I did three open spots ... That brings me up to gig 103 now, for those of us still counting. Three more than I did the year before in Edinburgh. The first one got a nice reception at Al Cowie's Llaugh, although I did bail after only three or four minutes, I was going really well and didn't want to ruin it by tailing off at the end....

The second one got a slightly more awkward reception, but not a total loss, at a gig run by Simon Lilley, called The Dog That Ate Your Birthday Cake... nice name for a comedy showcase. There were lots of audience there, they just seemed a bit ... well not there. I tripped over some important lines and could see my hand shaking, which I know does a comic no favours in terms of owning a room... Ooops. I had a hangover more than I had fear of performance!

The last spot was at Electric Cabaret. A drunken late night open mic show, on this occasion, it was inhabited mostly by the regulars at DSS, where the most impressive thing I showcased was a picture of my knitted owl and a demonstration of my crab. Oh well... A gig is a gig. Other comedians tried juggling and cartwheels. I guess you had to be there! Or maybe it is best that you weren't.

Thanks to anyone that let me anywhere near a mic anyway. Oh and thanks to anyone who, stopped to say hello or have a pint with me. It really did make for a great week away.

Edinburgh, I shall see you next year. Right, all I have to do now, is get lots more comedy practice, spend some time doing some proper writing and get heaps better as a comedian generally, so I don't make a twat of myself when I get there... As they say in Italy - No Problemo...

I'll crack on with that, right after I've moved flat. Yes... for today is my last whole day and one more sleep until I move peoples. It only took ten months, but this sh*t is really going down :)

TODAY

2010-08-07T13:44:00.002+01:00

Is my 100th stand up gig. That isn't until later though. Guess what else I'm doing today....

YES... Pre Flat Move Preparations. I'm sorting, tidying, shredding, throwing and packing up all my stuff.

I've admitted to friends that I'm doing 10 years worth of shredding this weekend. A lot of people have commented on how shredding is really tiresome, a few have said they find it therapeutic though. All have commented on how shredders overheat so easily and what a pain that is. Mine never overheats though. It jams so fucking often, it doesn't get a chance to overheat.

Shredding hey. I've been thinking about this. We shred to protect our identity, but if I was an identity thief, I'd wouldn't want the identity of someone anal enough to shred. I'd want to be someone exciting to whom the very idea of a shredder was laughable.

I'm doing a lot of sneezing too. It seems all my belongings are riddled with allergens! Gross...

OK, if anybody finds a living room floor, it is mine. I think I must have misplaced it under 10 years worth of electricity bills, payslips and smear test invitations.

Come to the gig later if you are in London Bridge, it is at Platform Bar, Tooley Street, Doors 7, Show 7.30. It is Funny Women competition heat.

CRUSH STUDY

2010-08-06T17:09:00.004+01:00

I agreed to take part in a 'scientific' study for a report on relationships. Here is a summary of the findings.

The study examined a range of encounters recalled and recounted by myself - with 238 male friends, colleagues and other acquaintances I had met through the years.

Of those encounters, I formed crushes on 232 of the men. (6 were relatives).

The study found that it takes me on average 3 minutes and 48 seconds to form a crush from the time of being introduced to a man. Then, depending on the severity of the crush, it can take me anything from seven weeks, to thirteen years to fully recover.

The study found that 97 % of my crushes have remained entirely unrequited and led only to my shame and humiliation.

65% of those men, turned out to be gay and a further 12% "went gay" out of sheer panic when faced with the horrors of my advances.

Of the 3% of crushes that have led to romantic scenarios (not including those scenarios imagined by me - these were real snogs, and even a couple of leg overs), there has ultimately been one outcome, common to all scenarios: Tears. Mine.

Conclusions of the Study - I'm an idiot, who forms inappropriate crushes, but cannot sustain genuine loving relationships.

Ho Hum. Thank You Science.

Oh, I had to go to the solicitors yesterday to sign all the bits and bobs connected with the move... (and no... still no exchange or completion dates confirrmed.) Anyway, there I was at the solicitors and wasn't Mr Bentley the most delicious solicitor ever!? I shall call him Beebee. (as in Bob Bentley) Mmmmm. Beebee. I heart you. I saw the way you looked at me as you explained my lease extension...

Author's note - This idea still needs work, but I think there is some humour in there somewhere....

A CONFESSION

2010-07-29T11:45:00.003+01:00

Sometimes when I get home ...

late at night .....

with my spicy bean burger and chips....

I like to use a knife and fork.

There I said it.

Interruptions in Service

2010-07-25T20:51:00.002+01:00

Sorry I've been gone for so long. I know it can be death of any bloggage just to get abandoned. I've written you a list of reasons (excuses) as to why I've absented myself.

1) My computer screen at my new desk on the 2nd floor of the office building I 'work' in, is always within eyeball range of my boss. ARSE. I wonder if he planned that, when picking everyone's desk.

2) I did go to Italy for a week to see my brother get married. That was HOT. The weather in Italy, not seeing my brother get married...

3) I've been sidetracked by looking at boys on that there OKCupid. Just looking mind. No hilarious dating stories for you.

Oh God, sorry I'm too out of practice, that new Sherlock has come on and I think I might be in love. Byee... x

It's been too long. Has it? It's been a while...

2010-06-19T17:28:00.003+01:00

Sorry I've been busy hanging out with Estate Agents. Aren't they just the best? NO.

I have sold my flat (subject to all the paperwork and money and that... so not really) and found a new one. So yeah that has been happening.

I was watching the football last night (frightful business). The amount of alcohol consumed was completely inappropriate and ill advised.

Then, this morning I decided it would be a good time to make a video. Yeah, check this shit out...

If I were to leave a comment about my own video, I'd say "your camera work and picture quality are both appalling. It makes it difficult to watch. Also, Roger isn't literally 'a whale' so you got that bit wrong. Plus you look weird and ugly. Get over yourself. Lucy was good."

I am my own harshest critic though. OR, I thought I'd get the boot in before anyone else does... Lucy was fantastic though wasn't she? She is charming, yet doesn't overplay her part.

It took about ten minutes and three takes to make and about four hours to load it onto the wordia website. During that time, I had sleepies, I puked up the entire contents of my stomach (too much wine at the world cup party) and had more sleepies. All in all, I think I'm most proud of the upload then. Have a look at some of the other amazing people who have made videos - George Ryegold, Rich Fulcher, Tom Webb, Mark Restuccia - I'm in good company. Actually just watch their wordia words. They are all much better than mine.

I meant to tell you something else, but it floated into my brain, then out again. hmmmmm. Oh yeah, of course... our overseas blog buddy and all round cool dudette and fantastic female person ... she is my special someone ... is she yours? ... Becki Sproglet, Madame Poopypants IS coming home in a week. Thank heavens for that.

I'm off to Glastonbury on Monday. I'll be gone all week, so I miss the grand Sprog home-coming. Anyway, be kind, wish sunshine for me, not rain. Pleeeeze.

OK, that is all you are getting for now. I think maybe I'm about to be sick again. I didn't think I had anything left inside me, but something isn't right yet.

Cheers x x x

Taking a deep breath and counting to ten.

2010-05-21T15:43:00.001+01:00

Well we all got our proverbial knickers in a bit of a twist over the youtube footage featured in the last post. I never expected that kind of drama, I must admit…

I’ve taken a week or so to regroup and revivify myself.

I did, it must be said, spend a brief spell on the brink of an MH breakdown. I took two days off work. I endured a humiliating trip to my GP to ask for advice on why I kept sobbing uncontrollably. My GP’s advice wasn’t to stop listening to the hurtful things people say about me. No, my GP’s advice was - I should sleep with my Mum. (Something to do with her scent being a calming influence). I have not slept with my Mum. I will not be asking my Mum to sleep with me. I am now looking for a new GP.

And in the meantime, I have picked myself up, brushed myself down and am trying to get back to some sense of normality. Well you know … my quite particular version of normality.

I do want to address what happened, but don’t want to dwell on it too much.

Nate (of the forthright and controversial feedback) completely resigned from blogging and twitter when things blew up last week. Yes, he closed down his blog and he said goodbye to all his Twitter followers. This seemed a bit of an over reaction, but Nate has since revised that drastic decision and is back to blogging and tweeting now, so no lasting damage done there...

While I don’t want to cause any further upset or awkwardness when things finally seem to be settling down, I couldn’t help that notice that Nate is now claiming to have barely slept for ten days over things said here and I do think I have a right to answer that.

In fact, I find his latest posts a wee bit over the top. Poor old Nate is now the victim of the situation living under a constant fear of violence. He was the one to slate my creative pursuits in a most tactless and heavy handed way, but all that seems to be barely mentioned. I’ve lost time at work through upset at our busiest time of year. Nate on the other hand with no commitments to speak of, can run away and hide for a week, then emerge saying how my friends have threatened his sense of personal safety.

I wrote to Nate and made clear and genuine apologies for the reactions to his comments only a day after they appeared. I reiterated that Norm had also apologised for his slightly over zealous, but wonderfully loyal and protective remarks.* Thank you Norm for being there when you were.

In short, Nate has had no reasonable need to fear for his safety or keep a hammer by his side for the last ten days. Norm is a criminal lawyer, not a criminal.

Nate, I know you pride yourself on your imagination, but on this, I do think you could go a bit easy on over dramatising things quite so much.

OK, I’m closing the door on the whole episode, I hope others can too.

And so on we trundle…

I did my first gig, since the youtube terrors this Wednesday. It didn’t go brilliantly, but I happened to have a frightful hangover that day and the room was a bit quiet for whatever reasons. Anyway, I got some laughs and I’m glad to be back on the horse. I’m going to try and make it to at least two gigs next week to get properly back into the swing of things again. I have a charity gig next Friday and I am performing at the Comedy Café on 2nd June and want to get some practice in before then.

Oh and in the midst of all this kerfuffle, I’ve met a man that I like. I’m pretty sure he likes me back and we are going on date three tonight… A real life man… That I didn’t find on the internet. I don’t want to jinx it by saying too much. You shall have to bear with me, while I try my best not to make a complete arse of myself over this one.

Oh and just this second, just now, literally just a moment ago, I got an email from Oxfam saying I’ve been selected for the early shift at Glastonbury. This does mean I have to arrive on the Saturday before the festival and spend an extra 2 nights under canvas. But the benefits are well worth it. I’ll get to pick the best camping spot. I’ll finish all my shifts by Wednesday. Then I get to enjoy the whole festival without having to do any more work. Coolio - I’ll take the extra 2 nights under canvas then!

Whoop, whoop.

Niiiiiice one.

Sweet.

Aces.

A lot of other happy words.

Bring on the sunshine.

I’m smiling and I’m ready for the weekend.

Giggling Gibbon, Jo Ogden 5th May 2010 (v2)

2010-05-08T16:00:00.001+01:00

Q: WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU TAKE AN ORDINARY FIVE MINUTE COMEDY SET AND CROSS IT WITH A VERY DRUNK FRIEND IN THE AUDIENCE?

A: TEN MINUTES OF SHOUTY COMEDY MAYHEM... ONLY SOME OF WHICH IS FUNNY, UNFORTUNATELY!!

Meet the Gang, Giggling Gibbon 5th May 2010

2010-05-08T14:57:00.003+01:00

Here are my friends. They created major disruptions at my latest gig... The video of which I'm still trying to upload...

Election Fever.

2010-05-06T16:45:00.004+01:00

Blog posts like buses - you wait ages for one, then two come along at once.

In case you were wondering I did vote this morning. Yes, I think I've got this politics nailed. I was allowed to pick three on the local election sheet and one on the parliamentary sheet. I voted for two girls and two boys just to be fair. Two of my choices had Asian names because I figured they'd be most popular in my area. I did pick by party first, then ethnicity. I feel like I've done my bit for equality as well as democracy.

I'd even done my homework and looked up the local choices before I went too. I established that we had an indepent chap who specialises in conspiracy theories and is a proper anti war nut (not that I'm condoning war.) I didn't vote for him, but his name was Paul Warburton if you want to check him out and find out why.

Oh yeah, I really got involved!

On my way out of the polling station, I met a ginger tom cat on his way into the polling station. I gave him a little stroke and said 'Hello fella, are you here to vote?' Then I started chanting on his behalf. "Votes for Cats!" "Votes for Cats!" The assembled gents in rosettes looked none too impressed. Just as well I didn't do that on the way in or I may have got myself excluded from the vote on the grounds I wasn't of sound mind.

Then I noticed the cat was a bit scabby and I've felt quite unclean and a little bit queezy ever since. I think perhaps I'm coming down with something. Or is it just election fever?

I hope all mine win. I love it. It is like a night out at the dogs.

Coming Soon...

2010-05-06T11:40:00.008+01:00

...Video footage of one of my gigs!

Recorded last night, I now have to figure out how to get the moving pictures from the little camera box into the computer box and onto the world wide web... A job for the weekend... It wasn't a gig I particularly stormed, but I know you are all growing impatient. By "all", I refer to you tireless reader, yes you... you know who you are. So we shall start with average recorded performance and work up from there... Watch this space and think of it as a test!

I know I've been quiet for over a week now. Soz. I'm still tweeting like a lunatic, if you like your ramblings in bite size chunks.

But why have you been abandoned for so long? In my defence, last week I was quite busy. I did three gigs. Highly unusual I know - Party Piece, DSS and Cradley Heath. #85-87. You deserve proper gig reports, but I don't know that I have them in me.

Here is a snippit of the way things played out, with a small amount of pre amble...

You know how I've been fiddling about on that there OKCupid? Trying my hand at dating and all that. Well on Monday of last week, I met up with another young chap through the website and let's just say things went slightly differently to the picnic date. In the long run, no better than the picnic date, but differently.

This is completely uncool and there is no nice way to say it, but by Tuesday I had to go to Boots for Emergency Contraception. Listen and learn kids...

One night stands* can be cool. Each to their own. We don't judge here. I've had a few over the years.

Unprotected sex on one nights stands is most definitely not cool. I have no defence. I can't even be bothered to publicly apologise for myself or explain myself at this juncture. We'll accept it was totally stupid and move on with the story.

*Re Overnight Romances - I generally enter into these things in good faith that there might be an opportunity for a replay at some later date, so technically I don't really get to find out it was a one night thing until after... Taken to it's logical conclusion, it is only on the day I die that I get to tott up how many one nighters there were, as there may always be an opportunity for something to happen with any of those people again at some stage. Then of course, they are no longer one night stands, they become casual, if sporadic medium to long term flings! I can think of a few cases, where I've slept with someone a second time, even though I wasn't that keen, because in a crazy mixed up way, it made the first time seem more respectable.

Dear oh dear Joanne - What ever happened to two wrongs don't make a right?

Gosh, anyway, where were we?

Tuesday! Yes, on Tuesday I went to Boots, right before Party Piece, with my good friend Lucy, "Levonelle" was purchased. Then straight to the pub, downed the tablet with a large slug of Guinness and onwards with another night of fun. I like to experiment with my material at Party Piece because it is a nice friendly gig. I'm not sure Tom Webb always appreciates this approach, but when Lucy said to me before I went on "oh, you should totally tell them about the Levonelle" I agreed without actually looking for the funny part of the story. Turns out you really do have to search properly and find that funny when admitting to this kind of humiliation.

What ensued was a stunned silence that quickly spread across the room and me desperately trying to recover the situation with what increasingly felt like a bit of a comedy cul de sac. I tried not to over stay my welcome, changed subject towards the end, got a laugh or two on a much sillier more innocent note and left the stage.

OH!

Anyway, not one to be easily beaten, I got to thinking about my Levonelle escapades and I tried again talking about them at DSS on Wednesday with a lot less horror and marginally more comedy success. By Thursday, in Cradley Heath, it had worked into quite a nice little 'bit' of my set and got a few decent laughs. I like to think I'm putting the fun back into emergency contraception... Three days, three gigs and a nice way to see a bit of material progress from comedy carnage to something half decent.

And as I said at DSS ... join me next time, when we get to talk about the horror that is the trip to the sexual health clinic and other embarrassing repercussions of a night of wild abandon.

Actually, let's not do that. Join me next time for the video of gig 88 - recorded last night, at The Giggling Gibbon, where my drunk buddy Chris talked through every act's set and I barely got out of the venue alive after bringing such a drunken loon to the event...

Wish me luck with the camera/computer/internet technology...

PS - I think a lot of people are using OKCupid as a bit of a casual hook up site. On some levels this is proving to be fun, but I for one need to be a bit more careful about who I hook up with and work out if that is actually what I want...

I do enjoy searching out the freakiest of the freaks and sending their username to Lucy with ... your next boyfriend (insert username of freak) says hi ... That makes me smile a lot. Sound a bit cruel? Maybe, but we are not vain enough to imagine others do not do the same with our usernames. In fact, we'd be offended if they weren't.

Thanks all, I'm off to see if I can get some work done. Cheerio xx

Word of the moment - Clunge. So wrong. It had to be said though.

Politics - A Special Limited Edition Election Post

2010-04-22T11:45:00.004+01:00

Hold on. Let me explain...

I know you don't come here looking for intelligent political comment. I know you come here for the ramblings of a hapless binge drinker and the occasional allusion to oral sex.

Well just wait one moment, because thanks to the suffragettes I get to vote too. Only - and here is the thing, I'm just going to come right out and say it - I don't understand all this politics stuff and I'm not really sure what to do with my vote. I really think I need to get a handle on this, working in Local Government, there is an underlying expectation that we show a little bit of interest.

So, can you help?

My understanding so far is this:

Things haven't been all that great under our current Labour leadership. There has been them there wars wasting our money, the NHS is poorly, the children are a bit dim, we are in debt and I can't sell my flat. BUT Labour say that wasn't all their fault and they promise to try harder next time. Not unlike Central Estate Agents, the useless toss bags. Central, not Labour. Well...

Sorry, where was I?

I also understand we mustn't vote Tory because they want to close all the donkey sanctuaries and they are planning to do away with Two For Tuesdays at Dominos. David, no one can afford Dominos without Two for Tuesdays... Actually I don't know what the Tories want to do, but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't like it much if I did know about it.

Then ...

You can vote Lib Dem if you want, especially now that man has been on the telly, been good at talking and got himself famous overnight. Yeah him, you can consider him too now, but yellow is such a difficult colour to carry off... and that is why they probably won't win anyway.

Or you can vote for racists or environmentalists and that isn't going to get anyone anywhere is it?

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure we need an election, I think we need Dr Who.

I have joined in one of these twitter trending thingemeejigs to try and immerse myself in the political discussion, but I still don't think it is helping. You say something bad has happened, then say #nickcleggsfault. I think it is meant to be funny. I'm just tweeting my usual tweets, but tagging them anyway in an attempt to lure in followers. If you are reading this blog because of one of those tweets, you are now stuck in a massive internet circular reference and could implode suddenly. Soz.

As for the matter at hand, who to give my vote to...I'm still none the wiser. I think I will check out the local politicians for my area and see who has the nicest eyes... and I'll need to know their intentions towards homeless donkeys as well...

I think I saw a rainbow on the way to the polling station last time, took it as a sign and voted for the gay candidate. I do love the gays. I don't even remember which party he represented. We had better not leave it to chance this time around. What if I'm on the way to the polling station this time and I see a rich person bullying a poor person, I could end up voting Tory by mistake. That is what they stand for right?

If you do have anything more to offer, please feel free to chip in... I'm all ears.

Thanks x

My quest for love continues...

2010-04-19T11:17:00.006+01:00

I had an OKCupid date with a man who stated 'rarely' as the frequency that he drinks on his profile last night. I did ask friends/loved ones/most of the interweb if this date was wise, well aware that I enjoy a drinkie considerably more often than rarely. Opinions were mixed. One might say, I was offered a cocktail of advice and after knocking back that cocktail, I decided to give it a go... I like drink, but I don't need it to have fun. *ahem* I DON'T!

We'd arranged to meet for a picnic in Regent's Park after my shift at the zoo. This was his idea and my only reservation was that if it rained, it would be a terrible idea, but it was a lovely day yesterday, so all in all it had potential.

From his pictures, it could have gone either way as to whether I'd be attracted when we met. Let us be honest, you can be selective with the pictures you choose to put online. I know I have been.

You can't tell until you meet someone if that special spark will be there. Hold on while I make up a name for him - John (imagination firing on all cylinders there). John didn't really get me sparking when we met. These things can develop over time, but my over all impression was - this wasn't sparking and was unlikely to be developing...

It isn't for me to say how John felt about me in return, let us give him the benefit of the doubt and say he thought I was a terrible horror.

Still he was keenly clutching his baguette and picnic we must!

We'd arranged to meet when the zoo closed at 5.30. John had texted to say he would be ten minutes late, so by the time we found a suitable spot in the park, it was getting on towards 6pm. Let us remind ourselves, we are still in April. Even on the brightest of days, the heat tends to go out of the sun around that time, so while John folded his leather jacket neatly up beside him and I laid out two of my jumpers for us to sit on/eat from, it was getting chilly already.

Top tip. Inviting someone for a picnic? Bring something to sit on. If not, at least don't be selfish about your jacket! Twat...

John was bringing savouries. I was bringing deserts. Besides his baguette. John had bought philadelphia cheese, some cheddar slices and two types of sliced meat. He said cautiously as he brandished his spicy sausage - "I couldn't remember if you were vegetarian or not." "I am" I said and he put away the salami again. Oh and he had a bag of dried papaya (?) and some cherry tomatoes, plus a bottle of apple juice for drinkies... I don't want to sound like a complete prick for judging his choices too harshly, so I won't. I'll be nice, it was a fairly decent picnic spread. I guess...

I brought a fruit salad (token health gesture), a small profiterole dessert and two fresh strawberry tarts. He remarked on how middle class I was for going to M&S. I don't get that. M&S make nice desserts. I'd made a special trip there during my zoo lunch hour. I'm sure John's corner shop do a fine line in diced papaya, it doesn't give me the right to judge his class. I think perhaps I took that as a challenge as I started swearing more from that point on.

We ate quickly. It got cold even more quickly and not wanting to seem like someone that scoffs then dashes, I suggested... with some degree of caution, we go for a coffee somewhere. Thinking - wouldn't it be lush - if he swerved us towards a pub for half a dozen pints or a nice bottle of pink wine or three...

Twenty minutes of walking later, (past several pubs) we found a Starbucks that was open. One skinny mocha and one hot chocolate later (what sort of man doesn't drink and doesn't like the taste of coffee either?) it was time to say our goodbyes. John was telling me about a comedy night on Tuesday that I might want to check out, but I was non commital as to whether I'd be able to make it.

John wasn't bad company. He had interesting things to talk about like stone masonry and ballroom dancing and his sense of humour wasn't too bad. Unfortunately for most of his jokes, I just said pardon, because he spoke fairly quietly, so that does rather take the edge off of a killer funny line ...having to repeat it. Poor chap.

Right before the date, a friend of mine, Caroline from the London Zoo Sunday A Team remarked how one really important thing for her with a potential partner was hygiene. I agreed, but remarked that perhaps we should take hygiene as a given and set our sights higher.

During our picnic, John told me that he was renovating his house and was between bathrooms. He relied on the pub across the road from where he lived for bathroom faciilties. I noticed a stamp on the back of his hand, presumably from the club he had been to the night before and asked if the pub let him shower there. He laughed and said he had previously been showering at the office he had worked at, but since leaving a fortnight ago to set up his own business, this had not been possible. It was unclear to me how long this bathroom situation had been going on and how long it would take to resolve. I almost choked on the chunk of baguette he had broken me off a few minutes earlier.

Life is a never ending learning experience and it seems even the simple things such as a date who washes cannot be taken for granted.

I'm glad in many respects that it was a dry date. After six to nine pints of strong lager or Guinnes, I can usually find more reasons to sleep with someone than I can after a plastic cup of apple juice and a mocha. Waking up at half past three in the morning, round John's place and dying for a pee before realising all John has to offer me is the kitchen sink or a bucket in the corner would have been far from an ideal end to a chilly picnic in the park.

Onwards and upwards as they say...

I got this message on OKCupid today: "Please don`t think of me as shallow but i think you are incredibly beautiful. If your personality matches you must surely be a dream come true. no its not just a cheesey and bad atempt to chat you up. I like to say what i think. Yes i do some times put my foot in it."

I think this person not only sounds shallow and cheesey, I think he sounds like a complete liar. He has an even sketchier grasp on grammar than I have. I'll ask if he washes regularly and see where we go from there...

Formal Apology

2010-04-16T10:53:00.002+01:00

It appears my blog (and certain other areas of my life) have been hacked by a drunken harlot.

Sperm!? Absolutely disgusting.
Saggy Dog Nipples!? I'm horrified.

And worst of all...

Skinny Jeans!? The very idea is simply appalling.

Please accept my most sincere apologies.

Normal service will resume forthwith.

GIG REPORTS - YOU LOVE THEM YOU SLAGS!

2010-04-15T11:54:00.011+01:00

Yes, I've been taking the sperm story out to the people... Gig 83 and 84 took place in Derby and London respectively...

I do worry that I'll get myself a reputation, talking publicly about sperm, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing. Who doesn't love a cum guzzler?* Oh goodness no. Am I just making this worse? Things are really getting out of hand now. It could take me weeks, no months, years even to rebuild my flawless 'pure as the driven snow' reputation. I'm sorry if I have caused unnecessary offence.

*Mum (and all other family members) I do hope you aren't reading this and I don't want you to think of me that way. It couldn't be further from the truth and is all based on a simple misunderstanding...

Oh Gosh, Moving Swiftly on...

I've had two lovely gigs this week. Norm, Giada Garofalo and I went up to Derby on Monday. My fourth ever Spikey Mike Gong Show and as I'd been gonged off at three minutes and two minutes respectively at the last couple, I didn't hold out much hope of surviving the five on Monday. Well - I surprised everyone including myself, by having a lovely old time and surviving the gong to do an entire five minutes. It doesn't sound much, but it means something to me, so there.

Giada and I had this quite tricky moment where we got stuck at the bottom of the stairs as a load of audience were coming down at the last interval of the night and it looked just like we were there to lap up praise... We weren't - honest. Just as well we were there - as it happened one passing audience actually high fived me and said - "oooooh we loved you, I said to my mate, she is just like us." Her mate looked a little non plussed by all this. Anyway, they looked like a lovely couple of girls. They had, how to best say this? They had a very friendly easy to get along with air about them (slags) and I was delighted to be considered one of their own... Well I was delighted that they liked my set.

Unfortunately Giada and Norm both got gonged off at three and a half minutes, but that is how it goes sometimes. I know from experience that it can be a bit disheartening, but neither of them seemed too troubled by it and overall it was a nice night out and another Road Trip Win.

Last night was gig 84. Desperately Seeking Stagetime. I've been to this gig a lot lately and rate it as one of my favourite open mic nights. There was a bit of a problem last night as quite a few audience and comics left early. It started all nice and busy and by the time I went on (second to last) ... It had emptied right out. Anyway, one must plough on... They know who they are... The leave early snides...

Last night, there was a huge picture of a Dog Trust dog and acts were encouraged to come up with a dog joke. I'm not really one for jokes, (tricky as a comedian) but I did want to talk about the dog because you could see her nipples. She had obviously had pups at some stage...

Bearing in mind I was a bit drunk I said something far more slurred and much less concise, but along the lines of - "I feel really bad for her. Look at her little sad face. Just because she has saggy nipples, doesn't mean she won't make someone a loving companion. - hmmmm, I might put that on my OKCupid profile."

It is a shame that was probably one of those one off never again comedy moments, because I could eek out a good few minutes about how the little doggy had been around the block and what else she and me might have in common.

On last was Adam Larter. I like him, he is very funny. It was his doggy picture too...

I got my performance recorded on my snazzy new video recorder... but may choose not to post it up here or on youtube. I haven't even had the courage to look at the recording yet and it may not help with the whole spermgate situation...

Need another POV on the gigs described here? Try 'Norm' from my 'friends who blog' section. A hyperlink here in the text? That would be handy wouldn't it. No, don't want to.

The skinny jeans are going ok thanks. They do take some getting used to.

The dating is a mixed bag and my most profound apologies for not updating you better on that front. I know you all got excited when I kicked that off. I just can't be bothered to explain it all if truth be told. Oh, I feel bad now for not sharing. Or do I? Nah, not really.

Oh, I booked a gig for the day of my birthday too... It will be a "Get Happy" Birthday on the 7th July this year. Lovely, lovely, lovely... Be there or be square...

Do you follow me on Twitter? Would you like to? To be fair, it is a lot of very similar stuff to this, but in bite size easy to digest niblets - my username is Oggers76 and you don't get the full url or link for that either.

Cheers x

Gig 82

2010-04-07T12:54:00.008+01:00

Well I see I haven't topped you up on Oglet waffle for nearly a week. This abandonment must stop. Is it time for a quick update? OK, since you ask so nicely...

I went to Party Piece last night. It had been almost 3 weeks since my last gig. *please read that to yourself in the voice of a hopeless addict. Hopeless indeed - I can't even be addicted properly.

Shock on. No wonder I've been a bit down in the dumps. I wither away to almost nothing without the meaningless acknowledgment of strangers.

Well not literally wither away to nothing. Actually in the last 3 weeks, I've put on 6.5 lbs. What one might call AN EPIC DIET FAIL.

So, it turns out that sitting around on the sofa, feeling sorry for myself and calling Dominos when I have no healthy food in the fridge isn't good for me. Who knew? Actually I've been out drinking and feeling sorry for myself quite a lot too. Shucks. I think I have serious talent for putting on weight, I'm not playing to my strengths with this WW melarchy.

So... right ... the gig... I had done a bit of preparation on my anecdote about taking my niece to the zoo for the Amused Moose Qualifier on Monday. Then on Monday, I decided to stay on the sofa instead of brave the competition. Well, I thought I could put the prep to use at Party Piece last night, but when it came to it, I forgot most of what I'd written and had to manage on a wing and a prayer and just ramble through the story as best I could.

I told the sperm story too, which didn't exactly reach it's full comedy potential. It was alright, but I think with a bit of effort it will go down better. Yes, pun intended. groan. Soz!

Weight Watchers was before the gig and Lucy (all round lovely chick and 2010 WW buddy) came with me to PP too.

George Ryegold was on the bill last night. I whispered to Lucy that she would like GR and sure as poop pongs, she did like him: A lot. She said it was the funniest thing she had seen in a very long time and I had a little proud for introducing her to the joys of GR.

After all the comedy fun had ended, GR said to me at the bar that he had enjoyed my set and liked me better each time he saw me. (I think possibly all of twice now...) Him saying that meant a lot to me and I had a second little proud. He did hint that I might try and add in some funny lines. I'm paraphrasing. he might have said 'more funny lines'. Ha, a mere technicality... who does he think he is anyway?

I introduced Toby (GR's other name) to Lucy after, so that she could return the compliments on my behalf. She did so very well. She was all over that compliment shit. It was lush, we all had a nice chat and drank Guinness until much later than we should have done and by the time Lucy and I left there, we decided it was best not to hang around waiting for night busses, we'd get cabs home.

We took separate cabs because we live in opposite directions (clever hey?) My one was 11 pounds. That doesn't seem too bad to me. You know, it seems a lot better than falling over in the street, missing tube trains and getting hassled at bus stops. I got the cabbie to drop me off at WFC for a spicy bean burger and chips. Oh goodness, will I ever learn???

I am back on my diet today. Right back on it. Lucy has inspired me and I want skinny jeans. I thought they would be a passing phase, but they don't appear to be going anywhere and shoot me now. I just want to belong!

I'll do a proper dating post soon. I just need to have a think about how much I can go public on, without saying anything too controversial.

Oh did you see? Norm really is storming ahead now with his gigs. I'm sending him good vibes for his big Birmingham gig and accepting with good grace his romp into the lead in our gig race. Go Norm....

I'm off to the cafe before they run out of lettuce.

Take Care Out There. Hugz x

Good Luck Sproglet

2010-04-01T10:22:00.005+01:00

I'm in a slightly better mood today. Nothing catastrophic happened either.

One sad thing, but not sad really, a happy thing really: I said Au-Revoir to Sproglet this morning. She is off to expolre SE Asia for 3 months and you can follow her adventures Here.

PLEASE - you can all wish her lots of fun adventres and to travel safely and to come home in one piece. I know I wish those things... Well I sort of wish she wouldn't go, but she never listens to me...

On the plus side, we are only a few hours away from the four day weekend. ACES, now that would cheer anyone up, wouldn't it?

Thanks and Praise to Jesus who died on the cross, so that we can have a massively long weekend. What a guy!!

Grumpy Day

2010-03-31T14:09:00.003+01:00

I'm having a grumpy day. I guess you don't really need to know that. I bet you are wishing I wouldn't harp on about it. Soz.

I cancelled the drinks with 'air of msytery - not exactly single - non gender specific Mr Wrong'.

Do I feel cleansed? Do I feel empowered? Do I feel liberated?

No.

I don't think cancelling the drinks and the bad mood are necessarily connected though. I do feel ever so slightly unhinged. A danger to myself and others and who knows what could happen next?

Something good hopefully. Watch this space people. x

OKCupid - A very quick update...

2010-03-26T10:32:00.005Z

On OKCupid you can answer questions publicly or privately. I didn't quite see the point in answering questions privately, so I've been merrily answering all sorts of questions (over 130 now) and all of them publicly. (The questions, I've mentioned previously, are designed to find out about a person and improve the matches the system makes for you...)

I really got into the swing of it. Clicking away in a happy land of mulitple choice fun...

If you have favourite users added or even just people that you have contacted (or anyone really that might vaguely be a match for you - from what I can work out), they get news of your profile updates and most recent questions fed to their OKCupid home page.

Imagine my surprise when one of my favourites told me that the question I answered - "Do you know what sperm tastes like? - Jo answered Yes", had become front page news. Well, it got him chatting...

Whatever works I guess...

SHAME.

Sorry Mum!

Another I Can Haz moment...

2010-03-25T19:08:00.003Z

I almost shit myself laughing at this picture courtesy of icanhascheezburger. The similarity between this cat and my lovely chubster Mornington are frightening. So cute.

Horoscope Horrors

2010-03-25T12:43:00.006Z

Now I am pleasantly superstitious and interested in all kinds of spooky unworldly business, but when I read my horoscope, I do so with an air of healthy cynicism and only really read it for fun.

Sometimes when you read them, all the signs say pretty much the same old tripe. I used to read my horoscopes online and someone had obviously devised a computer programme to arrange trite expressions into five line paragraphs, so that some days it didn't even make sense and chunks of it could be repeated randomly from month to month or week to week.

Sometimes my mate Chris and I read them together, we are both Cancer and if we don't like what we find there, we choose another sign for the day.

Let's just say, I don't take it too seriously...

What if though, one day just out of the blue and by sheer bloody coincidence my star sign said something a bit close to the bone? What if my horoscope by sheer chance was telling me something I'd been ignoring anyway? Yes, it is just a coincidence and is bound to work out that way by the sheer probability of reading them almost every day. However, if something makes sense, maybe one should stop and listen, however unlikely and unreliable the source is.

I didn't save the paper and I don't remember the exact wording, but yesterday's entry went like this:

However much you are attracted to someone, it is time to draw a line under it if you know they aren't really free. You are too much of an emotional sign to be on that treadmill.

Oh bloody hell, not the free papers as well. Get off my back people.

What if last year, I had accidentally got a tiny bit involved with someone who unbeknownst to me wasn't exactly single. Funny I don't ask those questions before hopping into bed hey? Had this happened, (and maybe it did, maybe it didn't...) when I did ask about their living arrangements and the best they could give me, was 'I'll tell you another time, I'd like to maintain an air of mystery.' I probably wouldn't have spoken to them for months. I probably would have let them know that wasn't cool. Nobody messes with me. Ha ha ha.

Well, maybe our paths crossed a few times and I don't like nasty atmospheres and I might have gradually become friendly again. What if I've just agreed to meet them for a drink again? What if I know it is a tacky, ugly stupid thing to do, but wtf, no other bugger wants to take me out, so why not?

Well no real reason to explain why not, I think there are untold reasons and we could get the comments section jammed up. Oh, I don't really know why I'm telling you this. I'm sweeping away the sense of disappointment at my lack of self respect and lack of moral judgment and going anyway.

I'm not 100% sure the person is still in a relationship. I think we can assume they still are and even if they aren't, it doesn't change the fact they have acted like a right see you next Tuesday in the past, so don't really deserve my company. * you know the amazing prize that is 'my company'.

Oh, well I'm still going.

They are Mr Wrong, not Mr Right.

Yep, still going...

Oh well, lets hope the drinks are tasty and the evening is fun :) It isn't for a while yet, so feel free to bombard me with judgments. Oh yeah, go for it. After all, the computer programme at the Metro Horoscope section already has...

The theatre

2010-03-23T00:01:00.009Z

I wrote this on OKCupid, but thought you'd be livid if I didn't share it with you too. Lots and lots has happened since I parted company with my dead macbook, then got my new macbook with absolutely nothing on it... I haven't found love on OKCupid yet, but I do have 70% of a profile now and I'm filtering through the weirdos a bit more easily as time goes on.

We had Nan's funeral last week, which was a sad day, but it was a nice send off. Not much more to say about that really. Oh, it turns out my cousins share my fascination with ghosts and ghouls. Funny old world!

I've done 81 gigs now. Norm is way ahead on something like 87, so go Norm, but it is all good. I spent all weekend doing work for free. Friday and Saturday nights - free bar work for The Comedy School and Sunday - free customer service for London Zoo. I like helping people and feeling useful, but am getting to the point where maybe I should think about finding ways to do that and make a bit of cash or choose something that also helps myself at the same time.

OK, I didn't write any of that bit on OKCupid, that is exclusively for you by way of introduciton. This was what I wrote for OKCupid today...Just now... about the theatre, as the title above would suggest:

I went to the New London Theatre tonight to see WarHorse. I went with my Mum and Dad. My Dad said on the way in... "Isn't this the place we came to see those blue blokes?" "Yes", said my Mum. "Oh, so it is" say I...Turns out my parents have better memories than me and I really enjoyed The Blue Man Group too. More so, than Avatar, which I saw in Stratford and not with Mum and Dad and even though I saw that in 3D, I still understand that 3D movie is different to theatre...

I really enjoyed the Performance tonight too. Those horses were absolutely amazing. I didn't think you'd feel emotional about fake horses, but they do such a good job with them, in the end you really feel involved. Mind you, I get emotional at most adverts. Sorry, I should clarify, I'm not here to review the production, just give you a little sum up of a night out...

In the interval I was fishing around in my bag for my purse to buy ice cream and my purse wasn't there. Weirdly enough, I hadn't made it out of the office for lunch today and so couldn't actually remember seeing the purse since yesterday when I stopped at the petrol station on the way home from the zoo. No point in panicking, but no ice cream for me tonight... I'd look for the purse when I got home and cancel my cards if need be after that.

When I said goodbye to Mum and Dad outside the theatre, Mum asked me to text her and let her know if I found my purse or not. Yes, fine I'll do that. Then just as I'm walking off, they both say - "See you on Sunday". "Oh, are we?" I mutter, bemused. I've clearly forgotten something else that they've remembered... I know I'm seeing them next Tuesday for comedy at the O2, not Sunday as well? I love my parents, but once a week is usually just about enough family fun. "Andrew is coming over, everyone is coming over. It's a big one. We're cooking. You remember" says Dad. I do remember, (after some prompting) and of course I'll be there. I've obviously already promised I'll be there. It just means I can't get as hanging drunk on Saturday night, behind the bar for The Comedy School now... Ho Hum.

I thanked them for a lovely night and bimbled off to get my tube home.

I stopped and checked my car on the way into the flat. My purse was there as plain as day on the passenger seat. A bit like in one of those crime prevention adverts, the really sad ones where the car gets broken into because some nit wit has left a laptop or a phone on the seat, except today, my advert had a happy ending, a bit like WarHorse did ... Ooops sorry, plot spoiler alert. I can confirm. No purses get stolen during the play WarHorse. Not on stage at least.

Last minute Blogger Edits in italics. Can you tell I've written it for an audience who don't really know me? I hope they liked it anyway. I hope you liked it too...

I LOVE MY NEW MAC

2010-03-17T09:07:00.002Z

I LOVE MY NEW MAC. I LOVE MY NEW MAC. I LOVE MY NEW MAC.

MORE LATER XXXX

Death of a Macbook

2010-03-12T15:14:00.007Z

The insurance company has spoken. The macbook is "beyond economical repair". That people means it is dead. Poor old thing. I have shown it one last kindness and am having it's hard drive removed and turned into an external drive. Computer salvage ftw. It is like saving the soul I think or not having to reload all my cd's back into itunes. Not bad for sixty nine quid.

My new one is being delivered on Tuesday, oh yeah, the nice insurance people have bought me a new one. I already love my new one. I haven't even seen it yet, but I know I'll love it. It has 2 gigs of ram. and 2.2 giggerhurtz of something else. and 250 gigs of hard drive. I KNOW. You know I don't know, don't you? I know enough. It means it is big and fast, but actually the same size to look at as the other one. How do they squish it all in?

And whatever happened to giving me the money, so I could have gone and got a cheap rubbish laptop and a new TV instead?

Nope, I'm not complaining a new mac is very exciting... the delivery arrangement wasn't my best bit of planning ever as I'm also intending to get very drunk on Tuesday night, directly after work. Now I'll have my new baby mac to look after. I'm not leaving it at work. No way Jose.

With regard the OKCupid capers...

Norm, in the spirit of polite responses, I wrote to one of the people who had actually sent me quite an interesting email on OKCupid. I still didn't want to date him. He asked me about big cats at the zoo and I answered his question nicely and then said I probably wouldn't date someone 6'6" because I would look like a tiny freak next to them. He took it very well and we wished each other luck... Su, I think you are right about the ones that take it badly though. In general, I'm going to avoid talking to anyone I don't have to...

I've also been having an actual conversation (oh you know a computer kind of conversation...) with an OKCupid user. You'll have to give me a bit more time to f*ck that up and make a decent story out of it, but do watch this space...

Today's get involved question comes with a neat link to one of Giada's photos of me from the photo session... (because I know you're all itching to see more of them). Is this winky picture of me just a little tooo obvious for a free dating website?

It has a certain something. Two certain somethings maybe... I don't want to encourage any more wrong'uns.

Moving swiftly on...

What else of my week?

Just the one gig this week: DSS on Wednesday. I do keep really enjoying that gig. Was nice to catch up with Norm and Kalyi there too...

I have three viewings on the flat this weekend. This flat sale business is really dragging now. I just want to get my place under offer and get back to looking for Sprog's and I's love nest.

I have a form to fill in. You know, for work, so I'll leave it there for now.

Welcome new follower akuma. You can really expect standards and levels of excitement on the blog to really pick up once I get my mac back. Actually don't expect anything too much. That way, you'll hopefully avoid disappointment.

Interruption in Service - ongoing...

2010-03-08T17:42:00.003Z

My laptop was removed today by the insurance company. They will inspect it and either repair or replace according to what is possible and cost effective. It seems we must wait at least another week until I can really get back into the swing of OKCupid and more importantly, back into the swing of this blog.

I have been checking, but not able to fully engage in OKCupid. Some ordinary enough men have sent me some quite nice messages.

These are not men I wish to date.

I am ignoring their messages.

Is that a bit harsh?

It is partly because replying from my Blackberry is near impossible and it isn't always easy to hang about on dating websites in work. Mostly though it is because entering into polite banter is all very well, but somewhere down the line, I see myself having to say - No, I do not wish to meet you and then it could all just get a bit awkward...

Why even waste the time with the polite banter?

I guess it is open to interpretation in terms of what people are on the website for. I think I would rather just think I am aloof than a tease.

I've been doing lots of different things in the last week or so as well.... I did a few minutes of comedy at Pearshaped last Wednesday (gig 78, that was nice). I had a fun packed weekend including two very different days at two very different zoos and a day on a clowning course... but I can't tell you about any of that, because it is 5.50 pm and my flat is being viewed at 7pm.

Bye for now. I'll try and drop by again, later this week.

Hugz xx

Interruption in Service.

2010-03-01T12:32:00.011Z

Sorry my darlings. Things are a little up the preverbial shit creak at the moment.

On the matter of the public vote...

The votes have been counted... 100% of voters say I should continue with my online quest for love. (6 people have now expressed an interest in favour of me carrying on and it is 7 people really if you include Butterfly, who suggested I try OKCupid over Match. We must assume she is still in agreement...Thanks to Butterfly and PG for your website tips.)

I will not question all of your motives in voting yes to me continuing with these OKCupid adventures. I know you have only my best interests at heart and it has nothing to do with the promise of funny dating stories. And so we press on.

Or do we?

After the initial excitment and controversy of my first OKCupid missive, it has been a slightly slower few days in the world of my online love hunt. There has been no wind breaking (well not in a saucy way any how). I have not been swept off my feet and whisked away to a Love Nest in the South Pacific or some other exotic location. As I say, slow progress, or was I hoping for too much too soon?

I did get a few more classic messages from people on the website. I will share those with you, in due course. Unfortunately disaster has struck. Yes, both blogging and hunting for love have been severely impeded by my macbook dying. Yes RIP Macaroon. I never ever called the mac macaroon when it worked, just suddenly I felt it should have had a pet name. I say that it died, but it actually fell foul of a serious case of mac-slaughter at the hands of my kitty.

Now I'm not saying that Lucy knocked that Guinness onto the computer on purpose. That would be absurd. But lets face it she likes things just the way they are and who can blame her... Our happy trio, Mornington, Lucy and I, we fit just nicely in that double bed of ours... (and the fish - they don't hang out in the bed though...) It would be in her best interest to prevent me finding love and happiness or even a special fun buddy via OKCupid. Who could blame her for conspiring against this ridiculous plan... As far as she is concerned a man is absolutely, no questions asked, surplus to requirements.

You could ask why I'd parked my Guinness right next to the computer in the first place. And to that I say: Shut up. This is not important to the story. Must you be such a continual nit-picker? The cat is to blame!

So, I am scuppered for a few days at least. I hope to have the computer repaired or replaced in the not too distant future. I know I sometimes blog from work too (like now) and if possible I'll even do my online dating from work, but unfortunately this abuse of the organisation's time and resources is not always possible. For this week at least, I need to feign interest and look busy, while our entire care management system is replaced. Oh what fun...

For now I am away to be weighed at Weight Watchers. Wish me luck and I'll see you soon with a full update on the OKCupid situation and hopefully more user involvment and multiple choice options for how I should live my life. :-)

For the comedy fans. Panic not, I haven't given up comedy to pursue romance full time, I just didn't have any gigs booked this week and although that is terrible planning and not ideal for my progression, I'm secretly very grateful. My lip has erupted in a big old cold sore and I wouldn't like going on stage looking scabby anyway. You know actually scabby rather than just a bit of a scruff, like my usual stage image requires. Did I mention Gig 77? It was at Desperately Seeking Stagetime and I had a grand old time...

Oh, I've also seen some of my photos from Saturday's photo shoot, so I'll have to share some of them with you as I go along... Here is a taster. One that family and closest friends liked best so far...

Take Care People. xx

No Cupid, that really isn't OK.

2010-02-27T11:52:00.005Z

I have taken the plunge... Yes I did it yesterday afternoon, while bored in the office when my boss was working from home, and following conversations in the comments section below, where the general consensus was that I SHOULD try internet dating again. I've signed up to OKCupid. Butterfly said it was free and nicer than Match. She had me at 'free'. Well I'll try anything once and I think at least 3 people were in support of the general idea anyway, except for Becki Sproglet, (sorry Madame Poopypants) and Nate asked to hear about it here, so off we go.

I'm prepared to be proved wrong on this, but my first impressions were that OKCupid is the most confusing website I have ever had the misfortune to get myself involved in. It takes great pride in continually telling you what percentage complete your profile is, so from the get go, you feel like only a fraction of a person... 10% seems to be getting your name, gender, 3 adjectives about yourself and a picture up. (I chose the adjectives: Friendly, Funny and Intelligent - intelligent was a stretch, but I really wanted to crack on.) OK, so I'm 10% done... can I look for men now?

No. Now you must answer at least 25 questions out of a potential 4,000 questions. This will help Cupid match you appropriately. OK, answered 25 questions. I wish I could remember some of those, they were classic and VERY American. Anyway, I skipped some of the more freaky religious ones or ones about abortion and eventually I've answered 25 of them. Can I look for men now?

No. Now you must improve your profile by writing a 500 word essay about yourself. WTF? Oh hang on, no, wow look, I'm already getting messages. Within 10 minutes of being on the site and with only 30% of a profile I got an award from an old friend. Yes, he can confirm I am funny and that wasn't a lie. Ah, friendly, I know people here already. This could be fine.

Can I look at men now? No, you still have to write your 500 word essay. By this stage, I was losing the will to live and logged off of the system, thinking if I could just get my energy levels back up, I'd return to it from the comfort of my own home and do the essay. Then maybe I'd be able to look for men.

I logged off.

About an hour later. I get an email to tell me I've received my first message from someone wanting to talk to me on OKCupid. Wow. this is quite exciting actually. I quickly log into the site again... What does he say? This is what he said. I've cut and pasted it for your enjoyment:

Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking i have an unusual question.....my intention isnt to offend im just curious what you'd do. If you was really attracted to a guy really liked him but he told you he was submisive........and asked you to sit on his face and breakwind would you do it

I truly don't know where to start. I have so many problems with this question, not least the lack of any grammar whatsoever and I'm quite free and easy with my grammar. But holy shit people, what is this?

I feel like we are entering an exciting new age in 'Better Late Than Never' where I will take advice from people kind enough to comment on this blog. It is almost like one of those adventure novels where you decide the end yourself. What do I do next people?

a) Do I continue with my 500 word essay and my OKCupid adventure hoping this is an unhappy one off?

b) Do I ditch OKCupid and return to my original plan of getting back on Match?

c) Do I scrap the internet dating idea all together and go back to the drawing board of lonely singledom?

d) Do I write back and agree to break wind on this hypothetical person that I'm immensely attracted to... and see where that leads?

e) none of the above, because I'm still open to suggestions from the audience...

Laser update

2010-02-25T21:34:00.004Z

My laser pen arrived in the post. Woohoo, this new super toy which will revolutionise Mornington's exercise regime. Or will it?

It is so much more than I ever could have hoped. Not only does it shine a little red light. It does actual writing AND there are two buttons, not one. What you may ask does the other button do?

I wondered that myself last night as I had just drunkenly and excitedly ripped open the parcel from Play.com and I hit one button: Little Red Dot, as expected. I hit t'other button and no more lights. What is that for I wondered... It was a mystery. I hit the button a few times and couldn't figure what it was for. One to be solved after I'd eaten burger, chips and had a good night's sleep.

This morning, I played again with my new laser toy. One button - little red dot, Other button - Ouchy ouch - An Electric Shock!! WTF? 1) Why? 2) How drunk had I been not to notice that last night!!?? Re 1) I assumed it was to keep yourself awake during boring meetings. Having shown the pen to a lot of colleagues at work, it appears it may actually be quite a funny prank. Ho ho ho.

I had good fun at work surprising people with the shock element of the new toy and most colleagues are already tired of me shining the little red dot at their computer screens while they are trying to work... Perhaps I will leave it at home tomorrow.

As for the cat... She is scared of the stupid laser!! How outrageously pathetic is this kitty of mine?! It is a little red dot! What is to be scared of? Oh well, it gets her off the sofa anyway, as she runs away as soon as I shine it in the same room as her...

I had a lovely time at Desperately Seeking Stagetime last night. (My 77th gig... it was bound to be a sweety - all the sevens :)) I had mucho beer and rounded off my evening with no falls, just veggie burger and chips (...as mentioned earlier during the laser anecdote). Then I had a delicious curry with Mum, Dad and brother Gary tonight. I had vegetable Jalfrezi and I didn't scrimp on sundries either. Another week of WW fail it seems!

I am still thinking of joining Match again. I especially enjoyed the debate that created on the last post... I think as long as I manage my expectations and don't go into the exercise hoping for anything in particular, it should be fine. I'll just see if I can meet a few new interesting people out of it and at very worst - get comedy material!?

Well people, Match or no Match - romance is in the air. I have been invited to a wedding. It is my brother's wedding. Just as well he invited me, as I'm already 800 pounds in debt to my Mum for a ticket to Sorrento, where it is taking place in July... The actual invite arrived by post today. Perhaps I shall stick it to the fridge to remind me why I'm trying to lose a stone and a half in weight.

They say there is no wedding list, but if you wish to buy a gift, John Lewis vouchers is what they'd like. Err yeah, about that. You want vouchers too? Get married somewhere cheaper to get to and stay at. Just a thought.

My nose keeps running and it would seem I am destined for my first cold of 2010. Arseholes.

One weekend: One trip to the vets, one day at the zoo and one death in the family

2010-02-20T21:28:00.008Z

I've been putting it off and putting it off, but four months overdue, I booked my two kitties, Lucy and Mornington in for their annual health check and vaccinations on Saturday. It usually ends up costing me a fortune, so takes me a while from the due date to pluck up the courage to get it done.

9.30 a.m. was a bit of an early appointment, but I thought it would get me up and about. Of course I overslept. I rang the veterinary surgery to apologise. They were very kind and able to fit us in an hour later.

I got the two kitty travel boxes out on Friday night, because they need setting up early to dupe Mornington that they do not represent any threat. And sure enough, when the time came, all went smoothly in getting the kitties into the boxes. Mornington was not amused at being so easily duped and cried indignantly all the way to the surgery.

With two kitties to get checked and vaccinated, I thought I'd get Mornington's shame out of the way first as she is the overweight dandruffy one and I knew the vet would take one look at her and think to herself bad owner, get the RSPCA on the phone now.

To my chagrin, Mornington had put on 600 grams since her last weight check in August. She weighed in at a hefty 5.8 kilograms. To add insult to injury, I was told that if she sometimes has a tendency to wipe her botty on the floor and get dandruff, these are both linked to the weight issues too. It is possible she can't comfortably reach her botty to clean it in the traditional way (?) and fatties are renowned for their 'druff too! And it is all my fault. I hate myself!

I'd like to explain that the kitties only ever eat dry food, Iams or Purina One. I choose the low fat or senior varieties when they are in stock at the supermarket, which they are not always. It seems this is not good enough. Mornington is always destined to be a chubster without me continually carefully weighing portions and monitoring her diet much more closely and the vet gave me a choice. Keep her on a proper low fat diet (Hill's) - forever if need be - or watch her develop diabetes.

In terms of increasing Mornington's activity levels, the vet recommended a laser pen for the kitties to chase. She said you can sit on the sofa and shine the pen for them to chase. Was she trying to imply I can not be persuaded to get up and move about with the kitties? Offended? Yes, I was, although having said that, the first thing I did when I got home was order a laser pen! Aces, I'm still waiting for it to arrive in the post...

Back at the vets, I promised to encourage MC to play lots more and get her back on the Hill's r/d diet food straight away and so it was Lucy's turn.

Lucy doesn't like going to the vets, but no one got mauled on this occasion. Apart from a little bit of tartar, she is in good health and a healthy weight.

Yay me, 50% pet care success rate! Hmmm, no ok, not great.

2 health checks + 2 vaccinations + 2 cats wormed + 3 months supply of flea treatment for both cats + 7 kilos of Hill's r/d (I don't want to run out and have to feed them any old food.) + 1 bag cat nip + 1 cat nip cushion + VAT = £213. *gulps*. Thank heavens it is only once a year and fingers crossed I can get MC's weight back under control...

I spent Sunday at the zoo. The lion cubs are getting so big now. I still love them very much, even if that love is from a distance. Everywhere I went as part of my duties, volunteers were over subscribed at that particular location. Twice, I excused myself from said over crowded duty and flitted between places, enjoying a good old mooch about the zoo.

We ended the day with ferret handling, which is always fun. I do like a ferret! It was cold and damp though, so we cut the activity short, got the ferrets safely home before four pm and retreated to the pub. Becki Sprogs had come to join us for a few drinkies. There was quite a little group of volunteers and Becki. Our red jumpers getting us noticed by the locals...I had taken the rather radical decision of driving that day. I had two pints of weak lager shandy and jolly nice they were too. There were quite a few of us who had driven or had to be elsewhere by a certain hour, so it wasn't the usual drunken debauchery we have come to expect from post zoo drink ups.

After dropping Becki home, I got home myself not too late, around 8 or so, and had a missed call on my phone from my Mum. Her voicemail message said "Please give me a call when you get this message, but not from the pub please." Asking me not to return the call from the pub, wasn't Mum just getting at me for always being in the pub, she means she has something important (bad) to tell me.

She was blatantly referring to the time a few years ago, I spoke to her from the pub and she had to tell me that they'd had my other cat put to sleep. (my beautiful Birman Milly, whom I'd had since I was a teenager) I didn't take that news very seriously, not realising how upsetting it was for them. I knew they liked and cared for the cat, but also knew they were forever fed up with her for shedding hair everywhere and continually puking on the kitchen floor. I jokingly asked if they were going to get a puppy, now the cat was gone. In actual fact, although I'd moved away, Milly had remained a part of their little family unit, Mum, Dad and Milly. The decision to put her out of her suffering had not come easy to my Dad and they were very sad to see her go. I still get the pee taken out of me for my lack of sensitivity at that time.

On Sunday, when I got the voicemail, I was suddenly grateful I'd decided to drive to the zoo that day and glad to be home and sober and able to return Mum's call. Mum told me that my Nan had died that evening and told me a little bit about the events of the weekend that had led up to it. I won't go into detail, only to say that Nan was 90 years old, suffered from dementia and had been in and out of hospital for the last two months. She had a fall at New Year and had to have a broken hip replaced. Earlier this month, she had been admitted with kidney failure resulting in a five day stay in hopsital, while she was rehydrated. She had been back in the nursing home two weeks, but during the course of Saturday she had not been well, refusing food and drink. On Sunday, she had passed away peacefully.

I spoke to my Dad too (it was his Mum). He was quite choked up and that was upsetting to hear. I'm sad, more so for him. I wasn't incredibly close to my Nan. Over the past few years, I would only see her once or twice a year at most. My Dad would visit her every few days, but I only really saw her at Christmas or maybe on her birthday.

I have to go back quite a few years for memories of Nan before dementia. When I was a kiddy she and Granddad lived in a bungalow near Chislehurst Caves. They had a big gold fish pond and a big old garden that we kids would run around. I remember the stupidest things like Nan's orange squash was usually out of date and she over cooked and over salted all the vegetables she made us. Classic Nan stuff... She had been my last remaining grand parent, so it is a bit odd really... the passing of a generation. Nan's funeral isn't until the 15th March due to a cremation backlog in the borough of Bromley...

Speaking to my Dad yesterday, he was saying how it was 12 years since his Dad had died and 10 years before that since his Dad had fallen ill after his first stroke. So we say, ah Nan lived to 90 - she had a good life. She did have a good life, but even so, the last 22 years were tinged with sadness as she lived as a carer for my Granddad, then after he died, she had to get used to life on her own. Eventually dementia got the better of her and she had to adjust to life in a residential home. Old age certainly does seem to suck... Remind me again, why I'm trying to quit smoking...

Oh dear, sorry, I am limping off at some very miserable tangents. What else has been happening?

I put half a pound on at WW this week. Arse. I've only lost 5lb since I started, which feels like weeks and weeks and weeks ago. I am going to have to suck everything in for those photos at the weekend! A valuable lesson can be learnt from the past two weeks: If following an eating plan for weight loss, you do need to actually follow said plan for it to work, not just grumble about the fact you should be sticking to a plan, while munching chocolate topped shortbread, crisps and maltesers... oh and drinking booze and ordering take aways.

Actually I didn't drink as much as usual or eat any take away food last week, but clearly saw that as a green light to snuffle any unsuspecting cakes or biscuits that happened to cross my path! Oh, I've just stumbled... and curses, I've stumbled into Percy Ingles... I must try harder and do better this week. At least Mornington is suffering too. We can snuggle up together on the sofa, with the telly up loud, to drown out the sound of our rumbling tummies.

No comedy since last Wednesday. I really need to sort my comedy diary out as it is empty and bleak for the next few months. Hmpf.

Flat viewings continue, but I am not yet under offer. One of these days.... one of these days.

I am thinking of re-joining Match.com. I've seen adverts: They have a new Match IM coming soon. Talk me out of it ... please.

OK, I have some Personal Budget data to stare at. Important council stuff innit!! Actually someone just suggested it might be tea time, but I'm sure I'll stare at the PB data after that...

Laterz.

In Loving Memory, Joy Ogden, 1919 - 2010

A bit of a favour... Please.

2010-02-20T19:25:00.012Z

Firstly, a warm welcome to my new follower Jack - Hi... Thank you for following. This favour may not apply to you so much, but join in if you fancy...

For those of you who have known me a little longer, you might find it easier to help with this... you might find it more difficult, but I know you love a challenge...

So, here's the thing - I'm biting the bullet and next weekend, I'm having photos taken. Photos of me. How did I reach this terrifying descent into the world of vanity and self obsession? The back story is fairly simple: last year I was asked for a photo of myself for a charity gig I was doing. (yes admittedly, this has only happened once so far in my 18 month open mic comedy career...) Nevertheless, it happened! When (if) it happens next time, I'd like to have a proper photo to give the promoter.

At the time, I provided a photo taken in the pub. My hair dresser took the picture for me, just after he had done my hair. Yes, I met my hair dresser in the pub. He doesn't cut my hair at the pub, we do that round his house, then go to the pub to show off the new do straight after. He works in a proper salon in the day time and is a friend as well as someone I know from the pub.

Anyway, back to this photo situation. I liked that photo. I've even posted it for you here, but it is already on facebook and twitter, so not a massive surprise.

It obviously isn't a professional shot, which is what the other three comics on the bill of the charity gig were able to provide. So, I'm having some taken and it is happening a week from today. Giada (who'll be taking the pics) has said it should be fun, but I'm reserving judgment on that until I can see if she can capture me without my eyes drifting off in all directions and me generally looking like a mong. As if I weren't anxious enough about my first (and probably last) photo shoot, I've been asked to do homework before I go! Yes, homework and this is where you come in. Below is an extract from an email from Giada. See what you think:

"unless you already have very specific ideas about what kind of photos you want, I'd suggest this exercise... think of 3 adjectives to describe your act. Maybe ask some friends too as your perception can be different from how the audience sees you.* This will give us a starting pont to identify your voice on stage and try to represent it in the photos"

This reminds me of the Walking Tall personal branding course I went on. Hmmm, that was fun too. Even asking for these words seem incredibly vain, but can you help? If we all come up with depressed drunk cat woman, perhaps I'll cancel the photo shoot and chuck myself in the Thames instead.

I don't think you'll let that happen. Will you? Please - 3 words each, be honest, but not too honest. Put them in a comment here, in an fb message, in an @Oggers76 tweet or in an email, depending on how well you know me and if you have a blogger account or are just passing by...

Oh, if you haven't seen my act, you could still have a bash at this, base your answers on as little or as much as you might have read in the blog. It could all help.

Mucho thank yous in advance people.

At the very least, good or bad - there will be more pictures in this blog at some stage soon!!

While I've been writing this post, that NHS advert about 'drink can do damage you can't see'. Honestly, sometimes I wish the NHS would fuck right off and I haven't even had a drink since Wednesday.

Thoughts

2010-02-20T19:18:00.003Z

Hey up chicken, what you been up to?

I’ve been having a little thinky.

Cripes, you whisper to yourself it is a dangerous day when Oggers has a thought (or two in this case). Well probably not, but let's just wait and see shall we...

Thought number 1.

Maybe I was never really addicted to cigarettes. Maybe I was just addicted to the cigarette counter in the supermarket. I’ve been buying lucky dips for all the lotto draws, midweek, Euromillions and Saturday draws ever since I stopped smoking over four weeks ago. I don’t play lotto online like I used to. No, I go to the shop. I don’t think this is just coincidence. I think I’m hooked on the cigarette counter experience.

I'm still not a millionaire, but I think I'm marginally better off than on the fags. If I win the lottery, do I get to start smoking again?

Thought number 2.

For the life of me I can’t remember what the other thought was. Don’t worry it will come to me at some stage.

Gig update. Preparation, preparation. Meh.

2010-02-18T13:01:00.005Z

I was on at Glee 17 last night at the Rose and Crown pub in Walthamstow.

As I'd been told it was a joint headline spot, I wasn't actually expecting to be on last, but my co-headliner (rival) couldn't make it after all, which meant I was to headline the night over all and indeed after all... (no foul play or tragic accidents arranged by me, she just couldn't make it.) Yes, I learnt this at 7.30 last night, when I arrived at the pub. It is roughly a ten-fifteen minute spot, according to what you want to do, from what I can gather.

At which point, it sort of dawned on me, a bit late in the day, that I wasn't really geared up (prepared) for a headline spot. Previously having talked myself into believing it didn't really count as a proper headline, just a bit of a nice extended set... Eeek, what now? Well, I had some new material (tried once) and some really old material (only tried three times and not used in the last 18 months.) and some other bits and pieces, that if I put it all together, it was long enough, but possibly not good enough and could I even remember it...

Arse.

Well it was happening, whether I liked it or not. I still had the interval to try and put some structure to what I had got and read through the old stuff.

The night definitely has a certain charm to it. A sort of haphazard anything could happen kind of charm. It is a great room for comedy and the promoters are lovely guys, but (and I'm sure they would agree to this), they are still learning how to make the night reach its full potential.

There were about sixteen acts on during the night and a nice variety of acts too. The promoters are actively encouraging first timers and really new newcomers and I think the audience accept that and enjoy the evening even if some of the acts struggle a little bit. Hopefully everyone, acts and audience alike, was having some fun.

As for my headline. Well I did enjoy myself, I'm fairly sure the audience enjoyed it. It was nice to resurrect my Albanian for a night. He needed a little dusting off, and I did forget a bit of the tale that a callback later on relied on, but people still laughed and liked the local E17 references in the story. It was one of those gigs where people were complimentary after, but things felt a bit different for me.

I didn't get the same buzz I usually get. Had I not drunk enough? Perhaps not, but the feeling I was left with was: I want to do better. The audience had enjoyed it, but I didn't blow anyone away...I should have known and practiced my stuff more. It was a privilege to be asked to close the night and I can't afford to take those opportunities for granted.

That sounds like Norm, but it's true. Is this what they call drive and motivation? I'm not sure I like it. Oh cripes. Am I getting addicted to comedy? I'm not sure I like that either. I'm certain it will pass. Perhaps it is something I've eaten. Please do not panic dear reader. See my next entry, when I bring back apathy and depression.

One thousand apologies, much thanks and lots of love to Becki for putting up with me being a bit needy post gig. I think I'm still living with the after shock of the two minute gong on Sunday and need a bit of reassurance that it isn't all that bad.

In other news. I've just had the estate agent round taking new pictures of the flat. He didn't like the old pictures as much as he thought he did. No, it is fine that he waited over three weeks to decide that. Fine!

He talks sooo much. He was telling me about getting in touch with my inner five year old, as according to something he read somewhere, that is the purest most unadulterated form of who you are. I said "That is all very well, but would you mind getting in touch with your inner estate agent and selling my freaking flat please?"

Alas, I didn't really say that. I said "oh yeah, when I was five I liked animals and showing off".

So there might be some truth in it after all.

I can hardly wait to see the new pictures of chez Ogs and hope they attract my perfect buyer. He or she has to be out there somewhere...

OK, even working at home lunchtimes have to end sometimes. Back to the grind for me people...

Oh, straw poll... More pictures in this blog? Views anyone? It is getting very wordy around here. Sorry.

Happy Thursday x

Gigs 73, 74, 75 and 76 …

2010-02-17T17:56:00.001Z

Gig 73 was at Party Piece over a week ago now. I felt more than a smidge like I let myself down as I didn’t want to do my brother material (again) but didn’t really prepare enough stuff to fill the five minutes. I probably stayed on stage for closer to three minutes and a fair bit of that was filler, rather than thriller. I have to say, the night over all was good fun, as it usually is.

The night plays on my mind, not because I didn’t even muster five minutes of material, but because by the time I left the venue, I found myself very staggery drunk and not sure how to get home. Well, I know the way home, but almost immediately after leaving the venue, I fell over (not sure how many fellow comics may have witnessed that)… grazed my hand and obviously got myself all shook up.

I got a bus to Seven Sisters, where I found the tube was not open and I was not at all sure what bus I’d need, or if indeed there are any that could take me directly back to Walthamstow. Whilst I wobbled about and tried to focus on the night bus map, I got approached by some guy. I don’t remember what exactly he said or did, but he managed to scare me and feeling like everything was getting out of control, I did what any self respecting drunk would do and started sobbing.

Somehow, I had enough sense left to abandon all hope of finding a bus and instead telephoned my local cab company. Yes, still sobbing. The bus stop man was still lurking around and the guy in the cab office was sweet enough to stay on the line while I waited for the cab to turn up.

The cab thankfully didn’t take too long at all to arrive and I was soon home safe and sound.

So: I don’t know if anyone saw me fall over near the venue. I don’t know what this guy did to freak me out, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and just say he tried to chat up the wrong person, a woman already on the brink of a drunken emotional outburst anyway.

The night as a whole has been quite sobering food for thought as I know when I go out drinking, stay out late and try to get home alone, I’m already putting myself in danger. I KNOW that, but I tend to ignore it. I laugh in the face of danger. I think I’m a bit street wise and can handle oddballs and think that even if I’m drunk, I can still take care of myself. I’m not about to put myself under house arrest or stop having fun, because I’ll be honest, I’d die of boredom sooner than I’d ever die of a drunken mishap.

However… I was lucky last Tuesday not to have had my drunken fall in front of a moving vehicle. I was lucky that I’m just a bit embarrassed about crying at a cab controller over a weirdo at a bus stop and not crying in hospital about an actual attack by someone nastier or more persistent. I shouldn’t let myself lose control like that and it might just be the shock I needed.

I did drink a hell of a lot last Tuesday. I need to remember that is one thing when I’m travelling home with Becki or I’m not half starved because of Weight Watchers and taking prescription drugs to quit smoking that could worsen the effects of alcohol. I generally need to be more careful and maybe even drink a bit less. Just a bit less.

Gig 74 was The Leicester – Should I Stay or Should I go Gong. My buddy Norm has written about it. His link is to the side of this page.

Norm was kind enough not to mention how I got gonged off only 2 minutes into my set. Perhaps this should be called gig 73.5. As yet, the counting of gigs has not been reduced down to the counting of minutes on stage, so I hope you’ll let me off that one.

I learnt a hell of a lot on Sunday and to that end, I think we can say it still counts.

Not a gig, but on Sunday afternoon, I was lucky enough to hear Adam Bloom talk to a class of new comedy school students. I haven’t gone back to school yet, but was invited in for that session. It was ace. He was very inspiring.

Back in the saddle for Gig 75. I went to the Lion’s Den last night. We could dig over the old debate and controversy of pay to play, but I enjoyed the night. I paid my four pounds and I had fun. Now, I’m not one to judge other acts, but there is quite a broad mix of quality at the Den *ahem* - not all of it good. People have to have somewhere to learn and it is a pretty safe environment there to do so… Acts know what they are getting and so do the punters. No one gets hurt.

I went on about mid way through the second of three sections. Not too early, not too late, but when I went on, the few acts before me had struggled, people talking at the bar were getting hushed and the energy in the room wasn’t fantastic. Perhaps that just made me think, oh well, it might not be pretty, but I may as well say what I’m here to say. I wanted to try out some new ideas before today.

To be honest, I lasted until I got my little light shining and I think people were enjoying it. I was enjoying trying out some new stuff.

A success!?

I’m leaving now for gig 76. I was offered a headline spot at my local new act night – Glee 17, but it seems I’m now sharing said headline and I didn’t quite make into any publicity other than the facebook invite... I’ll propose he still allows me a ten spot, offer to do it to close the first half and have a few more pints there after.

Even I can stagger home from there and if I play my cards right, I might even have a Sproglet with me…

Terrible things you shouldn’t say when someone dies.

2010-02-11T16:21:00.001Z

Last night, I learnt that a friend of mine, who I’ve known since University died at the weekend. We hadn’t seen each other in a few years, but chatted on facebook and had intended to get together for drinks, but never quite got our acts together.

This is obviously very sad for his family. I was shocked and upset. I can’t imagine what they are going through. He was only a few years older than me.

I was talking about this with my team mates earlier as I’ve been invited to the funeral and I’m trying to decide if I should go or not.

This afternoon, I got a completely unrelated facebook friend request from someone on the comedy circuit and I said to my colleague. “Ah, I just got a new friend request. Well, you win some you lose some.”

My colleague laughed and so did I, but now I feel pretty terrible.

RIP Jeremy.

Lost and Found

2010-02-11T12:49:00.002Z

If you should find any of the following items, please could you return them to me as soon as possible?

1. My ability to drink copious amounts of alcohol without turning into a sobbing idiot.
2. My twenties. Yeah, where did they go?
3. My happy go lucky outlook on things, oh no, sorry that must have belonged to someone else.
4. The funny bits of my comedy set.
5. Anything vaguely resembling a sex life.
6. Pages 1 to 32 of my A to Z. (It fell apart and I seem to only have maps of South and West London left. Who even goes there?)
7. My Moschops t-Shirt. Admittedly, this has been missing about 25 years, but by Christ, I loved that t-shirt.

Yes, so please do let me know if you should stumble across any of these things...Thanks x

Sunday is a day of rest, so I'll make this quick.

2010-02-07T22:37:00.003Z

If I could do blogging this good featuring amazing kitties like (mine). I would. I mean I could, I just well you know....

As it is, I'm busy doing nothing, and helping out at - ya know the zoo and drinking free wine at the comedy school, god bless 'em, I never link to their top notch charity page, coz I is lazy - ahem busy. but do google the comedy school. I've promised them 1 million pounds if I win 113 million on the Euro Millions next week... I'm not promising anyone else that.

Oh for those 2.2 readers who don't speak to me on a daily basis,

gig 72 was smashing cheers, lovely feedback and yeah, 3 gigs 'pencilled' in for the next 7 days, so we'll see if I make it to all of those/do any good.
I lost 4.5 lbs on WW in 2 weeks (not expecting much from this week)
I haven't smoked in over 2 weeks while I've been about it.
Knitting is slow to say the least. (That must be what happens when you are knitting for yourself. I do remember the last and only scarf I made for myself took 3+ years... This one is about 3 weeks, but still miles off.)
Work is as always...
Still lonely and grumpy, but see above for all the stuff I'm doing to keep the badness at bay. you know, playing the lottery and letting friends take comedy photos of my feline friends.
I said I'd write about the Estate Agents. You wouldn't effing believe it if I did.
Oh yeah, my Nan got sick. She is very old, but hopefully ok for now...

My bed is calling and I wish bloggers were barred from bullet points. More soon, kiss kiss, hug hug etc etc...

Comedy - You win some, you lose some...

2010-01-31T10:07:00.005Z

Voice of Doom...

Oh, Oggers, you aren't still persisting with that silly comedy idea of yours are you? How long has that been now? Going on towards two years? Are you getting paid yet? Still just the one gig a week is it? Ha ha ha ha, you could make a joke out of that, couldn't you???

Voice of a tiny mouse... (me)

Err, No. Not paid as such and well kind of yeah, its about 19 months and I'm still keeping a hand in... You know... not gigging as much as I should. It is just, I do quite enjoy it and even though I don't work hard enough at it and I sometimes go on stage not very well prepared... the audience quite often appear to enjoy it too and I'm not doing anyone any real harm am I? Anyway Doomy Doomster, why don't you go fuck yourself?? Up your big doomy gloomy bum-hole. *Squeaks and runs back to mouse hole for large portion of non WW comfort cheese*

Oh sorry, those inner monologues again. Where were we...?

Ha, that would make a good pixar movie, like Ratatouille, but the mouse is a stand-up? Did someone make that already? If not, it could be a girl mouse, with the voice of me... Oh yeah.

Should I crack on???

I did two gigs last week. Number 70 and 71, for the number crunchers out there...

The first was my Laughing Horse Heat on Monday. I didn't make it through to the next round. I was gutted. Should I be toughing it out and saying, it really doesn't matter? It does a bit. If 16 acts compete against each other and you don't even get into the top 6, it isn't all that encouraging. I think I did a pretty good set, in a big crowded room, where I could see and hear the appreciation right to the back, so it wasn't a total disaster. Looking back on it, yeah, fair do's - I wasn't as strong as some of the other acts, but we can go round in circles here.

Reading Norm's blog, you might get the impression that the whole evening was a collection of scarcely thought through observational comedy that could drive even the most considerate audience to get out their PSP's, iphones, blackberries, gameboys and discmans, if they still had such devices... You might wonder how the judges even picked 6 acts to go through. I said after the event and even while munching on my sour grapes, it was a good night of comedy, spoilt only (for me at least) by bringing in the element of judging. Other friends who have been to a few of these things have assured me it was a very tough heat. Of course that is exactly the kind of thing I'd say to make a complete loser feel better.

I hadn't really expected to get through. I'm sure there are life coaches and NLP pushers out there that would say that kind of attitude won't get me anywhere. I hadn't though, but it was still disappointing. Either way, going in circles again. Sour grapes and knocks to confidence is what competitions are made of, apart from - you know - for the successful ones and ultimately for the winners... Well, good for them!

I was almost too embarrassed to leave the house come Tuesday, but leave the house I did and as you know - tiny victories - I had lost 2lb at WW. "Weight Watchers - When being a loser makes you a winner..."

I'm on fire here, Movie Proposals, Advertising Slogans. This is it people, as good as it gets...

And breathe and relax and back to last week...

Come Wednesday, it was off to Desperately Seeking Stagetime. The question on everybody's lips. Where was Norm? Maybe not everyone's lips. Sorry Norm. Conclusion: He was probably doing a paid fifteen somewhere.

First 12 acts to arrive, get 5 minutes, anyone signing up after that, gets 3. I got there early enough to do five minutes and when the time came, hoping to play around with a few new ideas, I got stuck after only half my time. After which, I told one segment of my brother set and then offered up my last minute to someone with only a three minute spot if they bought me half a shandy. I never got that half a shandy and to the best of my knowledge, all the three spots just stuck to three...

Even though I only managed 4 minutes. The night was made of win in several ways:

I walked from work to the gig, without getting lost and still arrived relatively early. (about a 50 minute walk.)

I didn't get drunk and I didn't take my beer on stage either.

I ad-libbed and got laughs and felt love and warmth from the audience (of comics).

I didn't smoke.

I was not the last person in the pub.

I made the tube home.

I didn't eat take away.

So. There you have it: You don't have to be a Laughing Horse quarter finalist to be a winner, although yeah fair enough - it would have helped.

Next week at gig 72. I'll be breaking one of Keith Palmer's golden comedy rules: Don't agree to do your comedy at a non comedy night. I've been invited to Tooting of all places. Yes, Tooting in South London *spits* to do five or ten at a bands night. A potential disaster? Yes completely, but I do have a certain weakness for musicians and as such, I couldn't resist. Wish me luck ;o)

My smoking career and how I’m trying for early retirement

2010-01-29T16:42:00.004Z

I’ve been wondering for some time if smoking really is big or indeed clever. Perhaps it is because I just can’t be sure about this important point, that I have been a smoker / serial quitter for most of my adult life.

A bit about the history…

In fact, I think I tried my first ever ciggie about the age of 13. It happened with a Girl Guide pal of mine of all times and places to start…. Old Baden-Powell would be turning in his grave! I wasn’t a particularly adventurous or rebellious teenager and having my first cigarette at such a young age sort of stands out in that respect.

I don’t think I got into the full swing of smoking until later in my teens and even then it was fairly infrequent… having one on the way home from school every now and again was probably the sum total of my involvement, followed by a good squirt of ‘Impulse’ and half a tube of Polos.

It must have been quite a gruesome sight to any passers by: I bet I looked a proper little urchin puffing on a Silk Cut in my school uniform, which would usually wear out before I ever had a chance to “grow into it”. Well they do stay smoking stunts growth.

Through Sixth form college and University, I was an on and off smoker, probably more on than off, I’ve blocked out the details. It was always at the back of my mind to stop and every so often, I’d give up for a while, usually just going cold turkey seemed to work.

When stopping is easy – so is starting again though…

What is the harm of having a quick cig when you are out on the town and having one of those intense and unpleasant booze fuelled cravings? Why ruin a good night out, because you are suddenly obsessed with the thought of having a smoke? You’ve barely spoken to a soul in half an hour… Why not have the ciggie and get back to having fun? Cool, that makes sense, I’ll quit again, if and when I get to that stage of needing a cig before my breakfast…

I’ve never been what I would call a very heavy smoker. Sometimes a big night out might take me to 20 plus a day, but usually I have kept things within reasonable control. I’d smoke between five to ten a day and that has never seemed too bad, even when you do wake up most mornings with a chest full of phlegm and notice your skin appears quite grey again.

My best stop attempt was when I got hypnotised. Controversial I know, but I stopped then for over 18 months and it did feel good. That was back in 2004. The hypnotist was recommended by a friend and located in Harley Street. Her name is Susan Hepburn if hypnotism interests you… She doesn’t just do smoking cessation.

There again, when temptation struck 18 months later, I didn’t think, I’ve lasted this long, why risk starting again? I thought I’ve quit once and stayed off it for ages, I can do that any time.

I’ve managed as a social smoker for a while after several quit attempts, but social smokers usually end up finding more and more reasons to be social until they become borderline alcoholics and then have to admit that they need a cig at other times too, when booze simply isn’t available.

So why now to try and stop?

My Mum had a close friend that died last year of lung cancer and she found that deeply upsetting. The friend was only in her fifties.

Did this make me want to stop? Not really and I’d even go as far as to say that the emotional blackmail that my Mum seemed to muster up in relation to me ever smoking again, sort of had the opposite effect. I thought I’m not that friend. I don’t smoke nearly as much as she did and other mature thoughts such as ‘get off my case’…

What this means now is that my smoking is never spoken about when I’m at home with Mum and Dad. I like to think they don’t know I’ve still been smoking. If they have an inkling, I think they would rather not have to think about it. I never smoke when I’m around them and that is sometimes for several days at a time, but for that situation, not smoking is the norm and it is usually quite bearable.

I will admit one thing. I don’t want to die young of a smoking related disease. I do realise that can happen. However much I try and kid myself that it would never happen to me. I imagine it is hideous and painful and traumatic. The real reason I don’t want to die that way is less to do with the pain and trauma and more to do with my Mum being heartbroken, but also very disappointed with me all at the same time. Breaking my Mum's heart is bad enough, but I think I’m more scared of her disappointment.

Even when all of the above emotional carry on doesn’t actually stop me, we come back to why now and we find my reasons somewhat trivial by comparison…

While I’m trying to sell my flat I’m basically inviting strangers into my home at all kinds of short notice and I feel quite ashamed when it stinks of cigarette smoke. You can mop up the ash around the ashtray and hide the evidence, but that smell sure does linger.

There that is it. That is my main motivation for stopping now.

I was hoping my doctor would prescribe this ‘magic’ new drug that worked for two friends of mine called Champix. They do something in your brain that affects the nicotine receptors. My doctor wouldn’t prescribe it to me. It is quite expensive. She didn’t say no really, but she did say that in order to get the drug, I would need to attend the smoking cessation service on a Thursday evening in Leyton. I would go through that process, discuss all the options there and if they agreed to me taking Champix, get a letter from them to take back to my GP for her to write the actual prescription. Simple right? Not really. I didn’t think so anyway.

Is this the same NHS service with ambitious targets to help people quit?

I went back to my friend who had quit using Champix and grumbled about the unhelpful processes imposed by Waltham Forest NHS and she said – Here, I still have lots of Champix left over, from when I stopped, you can take mine.

Did I think twice about taking mind bending drugs prescribed to a friend? Of course I did, but I still said yes.

Here are just a few of the possible side effects: Vomitting and nausea, Headaches, Sleep disturbances and atypical dreams, Gas (wind), Changes in the way food tastes (Dysgeusia), Constipation, Suicidal thoughts.

Yep, they threw suicidal thoughts in there just for good measure. Still anything is worth a try for a fresh scented flat. Perhaps I’ll just get a new can of Oust??

It is recommended that you take Champix for 12 weeks and set your quit date for a week or two after you begin your course of treatment. I only have about seven week’s supply, but both friends that have stopped, say they didn’t stay on the drugs much longer than a month or so. One pal has been smoke free for two years now, so I should be fairly safe after seven weeks.

I started taking Champix on Monday 18th Jan (yes readers, the day before I began Weight Watchers) and I had my last cigarette on Thursday 21st Jan. At that point, I made the decision not to buy any more cigs and see how long I lasted. I wouldn’t say it was magic, there does still come a time where you have to tell yourself not to smoke anymore and it takes a bit of will and determination, but I can honestly say I have had very few cravings. As for the side effects, I’ve noticed some changes in myself, but nothing unbearable.

Before I started this treatment, I felt pretty low anyway (remember the New Year low points?) so suicidal thoughts I was fairly sure I could handle. I have to say, I've probably felt better since I started taking Champix. The two are not necessarily connected. I have had a few loopy days, but I quite enjoyed those. One day springs to mind, when I did nothing but email Becki babbling nonsense all day, but it was positive babble and I hope for the most part quite funny.

Overall it seems to be going ok. 20 years as a serial quitter means I’ve learnt to never say never, but for the time being I’m pleased I'm not smoking. I still have to put myself in a few more high risk situations to tell if I can stick with it, but I’ll cross those bridges when I get to them.

I’ve been out socially three or four times without smoking and it still feels odd to not go outside with the cool gang, the big clever kids. I think I can cope with not being big or clever for now. In this weather being able to stay snuggled in the warm for a whole evening is actually quite a treat. Who knew?

And oh yeah, the flat already smells better. Cat poop does smell better than cigarette smoke right?

Soz, this was only meant to be a short post. It has turned into a monster. Love, hugs and happy weekends x

DIET BLOG

2010-01-28T11:53:00.004Z

No, sozzles. I'm not going to start a separate diet blog. I'm just going to write about it here. This is a posting about diets. I don't only write about diets, but I am now. If you don't like talking about or reading about diets, I'd skip along... There - You have been warned.

I started Weight Watchers (AGAIN) on Tuesday 19th January. If you've been following this blog a while you will know that Sprogs and I tried WW last year. Sprogs really took to it and did very well. I did not!

So I went back. Shame faced and tail between my legs...Do you want to know my weight? OK then, but I'll whisper it and please don't tell anyone. I weighed 11 stone 2lbs. I know I was full on shockerooed too. Well not that shocked, but I had hoped my bathroom scales had been a bit more out of kilter than they might be.

Here are a list of things I haven't eaten since 19th January.

Chocolate

Cake

Crisps

Chips

(loads of good stuff beginning with C in fact...)

Take Away

Sweets other than WW sugar free or low sugar sweets.

Any pudding really apart from low fat yogurt.

You can include all of the above on a WW plan. There is nothing you can't have. As long as you stay within your daily points allowance. Most of the above will make that a bit more difficult to do, so I just haven't been eating them.

I have continued to drink alcohol. What? You want me to stop breathing too?

I am tracking my points online and trying to stick to the plan as best I can, which has meant, as it happens, lowering my alcohol in take. *gasps* I am replacing some, but not all of my beer with vodka and diet coke and generally drinking less and behaving more soberly. It is quite strange, but once I get used to it, I might quite like it!? Last night was the first night I went on stage without my beer in a long time. I think I coped ok.

You see, I am determined to get thin. Well, I'm determined to become much slimmer than I am right now. I'm aiming at something in the region of 9 stones, 9lbs, but when I get there, that may or may not be enough. We shall see. At least then I'll be in what the Health Nerds like to call 'Healthy Weight Range'. We are all different and perhaps the Health Nerds should get a life, but anyway that is what I'm aiming for.

At my second weigh in, this Tuesday. I was 11 stones. Yes, that is 2lbs off. My current diet buddy Lucy lost 3.5lbs in her first week, so 2lbs was good, but a tiny bit disappointing. I'm not too disappointed. I want to carry on with the plan and see if I can go all the way to a slim new me.

In my first week, I didn't do a lot of activity, so I'm trying to walk more places this week. I've done two walks so far, of an hour each. So, I'm hoping that will help this week's loss too.

I've cooked from scratch twice too. A big vat of soup and a big vat of pasta sauce, which are a very similar recipe, so I may need to change the soup next time to not get bored. Both of those contain loads of fresh veg and are very low in points.

Lucy went to get her hair cut last night. I asked her how it looks. She said "much better, but it would look even better if I were thin." Ha, funny how us dieters think things will be better once we are 'thin'. My response, quite randomly, was: "When I'm thin, I'm going to be a right slag." Yes, I said that. *ahem, Hello Mum, who gave you my blog address?* No, I don't think my Mum has my blog address. I bloody hope not.

I guess to clarify. Your size decreases and your confidence increases. (This isn't the case for everyone. Go Big Sexy Girls. Good luck to you. It isn't what I want for myself and I don't feel sexy right now.) When your confidence increases, that in itself is attractive to the boys and Hello Boys... Here I come. Ha ha. I won't be a total slag. It is just nice when you get a little bit of attention hey? No? Just me then.

What do you think of one posting, one topic? It is a new approach. Revolutionary. I have other topics up my sleeve... Comedy (of course) Knitting (but I'll keep that brief) Smoking (I'll probably keep that brief too, just in case Mum is on to me) Politics. (No, just kidding ;-)) More later, I'd best crack back on with some work. Cheers for now x

Some things never change.

2010-01-22T14:04:00.002Z

Not around here anyway (on this particular blog)...

Soon. Promise. Soon, I'll tell you about getting a new estate agents, trying to quit the evil weed and plans to lose weight. I'll talk about comedy and knitting too, probably.

Not now though. Soz.

Happy New Year ?

2010-01-07T18:29:00.002Z

I hope everyone has been having a happy new year and if not (like me) I hope it gets better soon.

Nothing bad has happened to me so far in 2010, but not much good has been happening... It is all a matter of perspective I guess. My POV has been marred by a bout of glum moods, weepy moments and generally feeling sorry for myself. And No, before you ask, I haven't got a good reason. So soz!

Ogden Family Christmas was lovely. Just my Mum, Dad and I on Christmas Day, but we had present exchange and a delicious Christmas meal as you'd expect. More of the Ogden rotters including mini Oglet niecey rotter turned up on Boxing Day to liven up proceedings. She is very cute, but getting more and more willful as she approaches her terrible twos. It is all about the little children - Christmas Time - and she seemed to be having plenty of fun. So that was really lovely. She calls me JoJo and because I pretty much let her get away with anything, she has taken quite a shine to me. I have been told I need to work on my repertoire of Disney songs though as 4 lines of Akuna Matata is wearing thin. If you look up the lyrics, there are only about 4 lines though... and some spoken bits between Timone and Pumba. I'm doing my best...

Once Crimbo was done and dusted, I had my lovely pal Viccy to stay for 3 days between Christmas and New Year and we had a fab time. We went to the theatre, we went to an art exhibition, we had a night at Party Piece and we went to the movies. A veritable feast of entertainment and fun.

NYE was lovely with Sprogs and Rachey. We had a massive dinner before heading to The Rose and Crown to see in 2010. Becki and I had eaten too much and couldn't drink as quickly as the occasion demanded, but we managed to get reasonably merry by the end of proceedings.

By New Years Day, after so much fun packed socialising I was looking forward to chilling out alone and that is when my glum mood booted me in the face and knocked me for six for a good few days. I'm fairly sure I'm over the worst, only now the cold is making me a bit grumpy instead.

I'm sure we'll all have a great 2010. Or maybe 2010 will be a mixed bag of fun and not fun. Maybe it will be a stonking great pile of shite, but one way or another, there is no point getting in a tizzy about what it may or may not bring.

I am off to Crouch End tonight for a gig at the King's Head. It is very cold, roads and pavements are icey and dangerous and I'm mostly hoping just to get there without seriously injuring myself.

Norm, I haven't got last year's diary to check, but I believe this is gig 67. What are you up to? I'm aiming for 100 by summer ;o)

No time to read through/spell check/triple edit this for niceness. I'm off lads x

Saint Nicholas and Saint John walk into a bar...

2009-12-22T17:07:00.009Z

Everyone else is blogging their little hearts out. Well, Norm and Becki are and they are the ones I read most. I just don't seem to care for it at the moment. No one will notice, I surmised... When the time comes, I'll get back on the blog horse, I thought. It'll be ok...

But no - Becki has ordered me to blog. She said it quite loudly. "BLOG" she said.

So here goes. If you don't like it, don't blame me!

In terms of news updates, funny snippits of my latest carry ons or jolly whimsy about recent world happenings.

No, I have nothing.

What I do have is a Christmas cough. My doctor has promptly prescribed a true treat for me in the shape of a five day course of that ever amusing atntibiotic - Amoxicillin. Watch this space for the New Year yeast infection to follow.*

I was overwhelmed (note mild sarcasm) at the joyful and plentiful responses to my early greetings for the season in last week's posting. I'll be frigged if I'm bothering repeating the sentiment this week.

Bah Humbug to you - one and all.

OK, I've just remembered one other thing I've been meaning to blog for a long time. My Christmas Gift to you all. You see, even in my darkest times, devoid of all festive cheer, I offer you something lovely... See, I'm not all bad.

Oh Yes. God Bless St John!

I have to get back to my knitting now. If you want to ask anyone about absent bloggage, ask Becki St John Sproglet where her scarf blog went. Ungrateful little blogging bully.

*Apologies for the earlier over share. (particularly to you Norm) It is a genuine possibility with penicillin though and besides, I couldn't resist a bit of festive fun meets seasonal ailment alliteration.

Snow

2009-12-16T12:32:00.003Z

Did anyone else notice the snow? A lot like rain, but colder and more inconvenient.

Will it settle? Won't it Settle? Who knows. If it looks pretty for a day or so, that will be something to be thankful for. Pretty snow is ok.

I've not been blogging so much lately, what with all the knitting, but I'm sure you are a lot more interested in the weather, so I just thought I'd make a quick comment on that.

Christmas next week, so that is nice.

Another slice of Yule log anyone?

Take it easy and Season's Greetings. xx

Braces

2009-12-07T15:05:00.003Z

Oh yeah! Braces came off last Wednesday. The process of getting all the metalwork, cement and glue off was pretty grim and uncomfortable. I've had a request for less detail in the blogs, but just to say it involved a pretty intense industrial sander type machine!

Ah sod it, (sorry Norm) it was so horrible, the orthodontist asked me to do Charlie Chaplin and windscreen wiper impressions with my feet to try and distract me from the dental agony and to get me to relax my jaw. The tactic worked, but I felt like such a nerd for needing this kind of intervention. He probably saves that for frightened eleven year olds usually...

Teeth feel a little bit sensitive since then. They do look pretty good though.

You'll have to take my word for that as there is no photographic evidence as yet.

Conversation about a scarf

2009-12-07T14:59:00.000Z

My bus got caught in traffic this morning and it made me later to work than usual (I am usually late), but today I was later than usual despite my best efforts and intentions of getting in on time, which seemed a little mean, karma wise...

So, when I was telling a colleague, David, about the one hour, twenty minute bus journey – usually fifty minutes to an hour tops – I did say – “well at least I got to do a bit of extra knitting.”

David said – “Did you? Let’s see the knitting then, how’s it going?”

As I unravelled the scarf from around the knitting needles holding my arms further and further up in the air and the scarf still reaching the floor…

David asked - “Surely, that is finished?”

I said “but I’m trying to use up the ball of wool. I think it might be magic. It seems never ending.”

He said, “but that is getting out of control.”

“Well Becki said she wants to wrap it round and round, so I’m just going to keep going until the wool is finished. “

“Wrap it round what?” David joked.

“I don’t know”, I played along…”her waist? Maybe she is going to invent a whole new kind of wrap outfit.”

I showed him what remained on the ball of wool and explained, “it is less than it looks though, see it is quite squishy and hollow.” (the ball, still looks quite substantial, but is squishy and hollow now)

He gave the ball a squeeze and said yeah, “but there is probably another few feet there.” As I rolled the scarf back around the needles, he asked the question I’m coming to dread… “so when are you going to be knitting my scarf?”

I explained that Chris had already chosen his wool on Friday and there was at least one more to go after that. I also said I might need knitting respite at some point. David must have sensed the pressure and responsibility of my knitting waiting list (two is a list in my book) … He said he would be happy to put his order in for the 2010/11 winter season. I hope nobody else comes out of the woodwork that I have made passing scarf offers to. This new hobby is definitely testing my stamina.

Oh yeah, my Mother saw my latest scarf venture on Saturday too. She said – “Blimey, I’ve never known you apply yourself to anything like this before.”

I thought that was perhaps a little unnecessary!

Swim.

2009-12-02T18:19:00.001Z

Why not check the latest on the Swim? It ends this week. Thank Heavens!

Crime Spree

2009-11-28T10:24:00.006Z

Slowly but surely, the excitement of meeting Perry Fenwick on Wednesday did wear off. (Apologies for the epic blog about the meeting. What can I say? I'm sad and I was excited, it might be wrong, but I've been an off and on EastEnders viewer for as long as I can remember. I'm no maniac fan, but it was still exciting!!) Anyway, after the rush of mingling with the stars had worn off a little, on Thursday I was off to the Comedy School to do my five minute set and then a Q&A for the current students there. One of the students was Kate Garraway of GMTV fame. Two TV personalities in one week!? Oh yes, I've surely hit the big time!

She seemed nice enough, she asked me that old favourite 'how is it different being a woman doing comedy?' ... "Err, I only know how it is to be a woman doing comedy, never having been a man, but it seems ok so far. There are less girls on the open mic circuit, but still plenty of us ... I've heard there is a bottle neck when you get onto paid comedy bills, but you just got to do what you got to do."

Everything else at The Comedy School went nicely too including my set, which was sweet and tight. Keith said it was very good. I got to meet Manos The Greek and after the show I stayed for a quick chat with Keith, Cee, Mark and Debs.

When I left the comedy school, just after 10 pm, the first thing I noticed was that my car had no rear number plate. I checked the front - no front number plate either. I was certain (well hopeful), I'd have noticed this plate absence before I began my journey that evening, or at least when I'd glanced back at the car to see how badly I'd parked, and assumed it must have happened within the time I'd been at the Comedy School. I set off on my journey home feeling quite illegal.

It took about five minutes of the journey, before a police car started to tail me and I drove at my all time most careful, knowing that getting pulled over was inevitable, but hoping not to make matters any worse for myself by going through red lights or stopping at green lights as I sometimes do. The policeman waited until we got to a wider Camden Road, then sure as eggs is eggs, he began flashing his blue lights.

I pulled in, turned my engine off, wound down my window and did my best to look innocent. As he approached my car, I said 'I've been waiting for you to pull me over.' He said 'I couldn't do it on the narrow part of the road, I didn't want to cause an obstruction.' I said 'I've only just noticed that they've been stolen and I'm going to report it as soon as I get home.' That was pretty much that, he didn't question me any further on the matter and he said he just wanted to make sure I was aware of it or words to that effect and wished me well.

'What not even a frisk?' I wanted to scream. No, no frisk. He clearly didn't fancy that and didn't want to be troubled with the paperwork of it all, by taking more details...

I duly reported the theft when I got home. I rang a Camden police number, believing that to be where the crime had taken place. They take very basic details and promise a call back within 72 hours.

I was called up yesterday by a nice PC Weeks to get more details and have my crime number issued. During that conversation, I was made aware of the fact that a car like mine, bearing my registration number had been reported, on Wednesday 25th November, driving away from a petrol station in Waltham Forest without paying for fuel. Shock on. I had in fact dozily got into my car on Thursday and driven to Camden oblivious to the missing plates. PC Weeks understood. He said it took him three days to notice his were missing once. This is an officer of the law! Keeping us safe and being observant etc... Well that made me feel a bit better. About my doziness rather than about PC Weeks and his policing skills.

So - If Waltham Forest police do contact me to discuss the petrol theft, imagine what a lunatic I will sound when asked where I was on Wednesday. 'It can't have been me Gov, I was down the boozer with Billy Mitchell, you can ask him yourself.' Yes, that will definitely go down well. Besides which, those Mitchells have been involved in all sorts of dodgy deals over the years. I'm sure they are not the most reliable of characters to mention in one's alibi.

So my number plates are out and about enjoying a crime spree, while I'm at home blogging and knitting. Maybe I'll take my own unmarked car out for a joy ride. Maybe not, the washing up needs doing and I need to go swimming later.

Take care peeps and next time you take your vehicle out for a drive, have a glance to see if you've still got your number plates or not. You never know...

Glee 17: Opening Night and Meeting a Mitchell

2009-11-26T11:59:00.005Z

A new night for new acts set up in The Stow? This was not to be missed!!

Or maybe it was going to be missed. I got out of work later than planned and headed to the bus stop. bla bla... bus issues... bla bla, late late. Oh poop...(See I'm trying not to go over board on the detail.) Anyway, I was cutting it fine to get to the pub in time to sign up for the night and Becki asked me if it was still worth going. Yeah, yeah... I'll be there by 7.15... I'll have a Guinness please :)

When we got to the pub, we got drinks and went to have a look at the upstairs room where the comedy was happening. The room seemed like a good layout for the comedy purposes, but there were only eight or nine people in it and the organiser pointed out they were ALL acts. It looked like Sprog might be the only audience. She is familiar with that arrangement, but as it turned out later on we needn't have worried, plenty more peoples showed up. It was, when the time came - a really nice crowd.

In the meantime, we went back downstairs to wait there for the show to start, rather than stay and attempt to mingle with all the nervous distracted comic types. Back downstairs, Billy Mitchell was in the pub. I'm like 'oh look Billy Mitchell is in the pub.' Well actually, I was giddy with excitement. Updated my Twitter and the lot. We found a table, where I positioned myself with my back firmly to Billy, because I can't be trusted not to stare and we both busily tweeted/texted loved ones about Billy's presence.

Linda arrived. (Linda is one of Sproggle's work buddies) She wasn't staying, she was a bit p!ssed already and heading home for cheese on toast. Oh ok, maybe she would just stay for a little lemonade. Woohoo. This night was working out quite nicely.

As the start of the show neared, Billy and his friends got up and headed upstairs. No Effing Way! Billy Mitchell was coming to see me do comedy! hee hee. I'll be best mates with Babs Windsor before I know it. We can share grumbles about the plight of the larger chested lady. Was I getting ahead of myself?

If I'm honest, this comedy show needs a bit of work. It is so cool to have this happening on my doorstep. The Stow can get a bit forgotten as far as comedy opportunities go. They had a good crowd in and it is a great room for comedy, the organisers were very friendly and welcoming. They just need to polish up on the format a bit and possibly get a few more established new acts along as well as the first timers who had volunteered. Although more power to first timers' elbows...

Thing is, some of the acts didn't seem to realise that the idea of new acts night was to try out your OWN material. I think a bit of guidance in that department may help, because not everyone knows that kind of comedy etiquette. For some it was really was their first ever gig and with all the will in the world, that does show, but all comedy nights need to start somewhere and so do all comedians.

I was lucky enough to ease myself into comedy from the safety and security of a comedy school setting. If you haven't had that back up, I guess there is a temptation to get on and do the jokes you've seen work for your favourite comics. I guess not many of them will be reading this, but I've no doubt someone will put them straight in time. Let's hope it isn't Harry Hill/*insert other famous comic here*'s lawyer that lets them know

So - I'm not just saying this, I'm saying it because other people said it. I was the best act in the first half. As it turned out, I was also the best act of the night, (people said that too) but by the interval, we only had the first half to judge by. It was and it wasn't a personal triumph. My material was hazy in my mind tank, not having had a read through before, but I got laughs even through the bits that were muddled. There was quite a bit of ad-libbing, which thank heavens did got laughs as well. I lost my voice a few times and had to have a quick coughage, but over all it went nicely and even Sproggles said it was one of my best times.

I should be able to remember the blinking set though and being the best act on a night where some of the other acts don't even understand the concept of open mic comedy is somewhat of a hollow victory. Is a victory hollow or shallow? Either way, it was still a victory. Beggars mustn't be choosers. Or something.

So, back to the interval and we go downstairs again. We are walking through the bar and Billy Mitchell makes eye contact and Billy Mitchell wants to talk to me and he does and he and his friends are all full of compliments and it was like MEGA ACE!! Turns out his name is Perry, because there was that weird bit where we all introduced ourselves and he obviously knew we knew his other name, but he was very nice about saying - I'm Perry... That cleared things up no end and saved embarrassments. I'm ashamed to say, I've forgotten the names of the other friends we were introduced to. One of his friends was a sign language interpreter though. Always handy to know one of those!!

Linda had already headed home for the cheese on toast, so she missed our star struck meeting!

We went up to watch the second half of the show during which Becki got to punch a fat man in the guts. (He was asking for it - no really - he was - it was part of his act.)

The comedy ended just after ten, because the promoter was allowing for the fact that Walthamstow isn't the easiest place to get in and out of, but actually when the comedy ended, most people headed back down to the bar for more delicious booze.

Becki and I weren't sure where to seat ourselves in order not to appear too stalky toward Perry and after a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, we ended up about a table or two away from him and were pretty much minding our own business, as he got hassled by quite a few different folks wanting to chat, get autographs and photos. We tried to cool it out and were determined not to make more obvious than required our wonderment at him being there... I totally didn't even ask if he could pass on my number to the hot new doctor on the Square. I didn't even ask that!

Then somehow on the way back from the loo or some old nonsense, I got caught up in a conversation with Perry and his pals, while they were chatting with the organisers of the evening and before we knew it, Sproggles and I had been invited to sit with Perry and his mates.

This was just MEGA MEGA ACE! I'm not sure they even asked the organiser to take a seat, just Sprogs and I. We mostly chatted about the night and how it was a great idea and it was nice to have that kind of event in Walthamstow and then had a bit of a rant and discussed how things could have been improved. I got more compliments, which I took with my usual charm - "Err, yeah, Ha - I'm not very good at compliments, but thank you..." *hides behind hands*. And there we were - Becki and I drinking and gossiping with an actor off the tele'.

I can just see me not too long from now - "So Babs, these big boobs - not all fun fun fun is it?" NO? Still too soon? Oh, whatever. A girl can dream.

Well they were lovely people and good company, so all in all, it was great to meet them.

After a while it was home time and Perry and his buddies bimbled off and Becki and I turned down the offer of an after show drink up around the organiser's house. Although, there was a general consensus that we'd be back for more Glee 17 action on 20th January next year!

We had places to go and people to see, don't you know. OK, so actually, Becki and I came back to the flat and had Dominos again. Why oh why? we just can't stay away from that place! We have WFC now. What are we doing with those Dominos nerds? I'm sorry WFC. We'll be back soon :)

Brace Yourself: I’m Still Writing About Knitting.

2009-11-24T17:30:00.003Z

Oh and braces – get it – brace yourself. I really must stop explaining my punlicious post titles…

Anyway… BRACES

Next week on Wednesday 2nd December 2009, I have my next appointment at the orthodontist and I am having my fixed braces removed. This will be just ten days short of two years after the date they were fitted. The original report quoted the treatment would take two years and in my ever optimistic naivety, I thought that was just to manage expectations and it would never take that long.

The orthodontist has pretty much admitted defeat on a number of things he was trying to fix. My bite is still slightly out of line and I still have two quite hefty gaps in my back teeth where adult teeth are missing and the jawbone proved too insubstantial to drag the very back teeth into the gaps.

This dental defeat is a bit of a disappointing end to two years work. BUT, the reason I got the braces was to correct some very peculiar and noticeable issues with my canine teeth that are now correct, so I need to remember that. Good has come of the exercise. It seems that to correct the bite and the other gaps could involve extractions/crowns and a lot more corrective work that I’m not happy about getting involved with. I’ve served my time as far as I can tell and got most of what I wanted out of it all... So, decision is made and as of next Wednesday – my braces will be gone!

Yesterday, as the first stage in preparation for this austere occasion, I went to the orthodontist to get bonded retainers fitted. I gather these can take various forms, but mine are in the form of two tiny gold chains glued to the back of twelve of my teeth (one tiny gold chain glued to the back of my six upper front teeth and one tiny gold chain glued to the back of the six lower front teeth).

It is designed to stop the teeth shifting into their old positions. I don’t understand how and it feels horrible. The chains, as I say, are tiny, but the glue feels very clumpy and odd. I must be used to having my mouth treated like a junkyard, because as horrid as it feels, I am getting used to it after less than a day. Just as well - this latest fixture is supposed to be permanent...Aaargh, the horror. All those times I got down in the dumps and whined that my orthodontic torture seemed like it would never end. Ha, it seems as if I was right and I do in fact have a lasting double gold chain souvenir… Thank You Mr Ash, Orthodontic Consultant, Whipp’s Cross Hospital.

So it is 8 days to brace-off. I will undoubtedly be using that as a fine excuse to get rat arsed. I’m wondering if I should have asked the orthodontist to chain the lot up, just leaving a little gap big enough for a straw for booze.

The following Wednesday, I pick up the gum shield retainers that I'll have to sleep in for the next year or so... (Yes, I get those too.) Not looking forward to that either, but hey ho.

The removal of my braces does leave a rather tragic gap in my comedy set. Perhaps it will be some sort of catalyst to me spending some time coming up with new material. Perhaps not. Watch this space.

KNITTING: See Sproglet’s Blog for very funny write up of our trip to the wool shop and how I learnt to cast on using youtube videos. Yes, I’ve started work on a scarf for her now and after only two and a bit days, it is already around 20 inches long. I am knitting on gas.

It has not escaped my notice that despite a few whisperings from the bo-ho chic circles saying that knitting was back as a cool hobby to have a few years ago, (around the time I started my other scarf…Hmmm) – yeah, even if one or two people did say it was meant to be cool in 2007, I am the only person doing it on the 56 bus in 2009 and I probably do look like a bit of a twat.

Rome was not built in a day. I know - I’ve been there! If I have to knit on the bus to get my Sproggles neck all warm and snuggly this side of Crimbo, then knit on the bus, I will. I'm sure I don't look that hot when I use bus journey time to snooze and drool all over the window, so knitting could be an improvement if anything.

Lovely. I need to go. Drinking in Stamford Hill again tonight... Will this "FUN" never end? I hope not!

My Scarf

2009-11-20T16:18:00.003Z

I know I posted about the scarf already.

But I just have to say, I really love my scarf. Lots of different people have shown an interest in it. It is cosy and warm and it has made me feel refreshed about lots of different things.

It is something tangible that I made and I get to say "Look I did this."

Admittedly, the three year production timescale is a little bit of a shocker and I'm fairly sure there are much more time and cost effective ways of coming by scarves: at the shops for one! That doesn't seem to matter - seeing as for a while there, I thought it would never get finished and when I eventually put the hours in and now I have a smashing new scarf... Well to me it represents possibility!

Ha yeah Scarves = Possibility. Put that maths in your pipe and smoke it.

Becki says I need to be a little bit careful of getting addicted to knitting. She says she went there once and it gets to be a dark and lonely place after a while. She even says it can age you.

That was after she'd made me promise to knit her one. So we are off to the wool shop tomorrow.

Angels

2009-11-20T12:24:00.002Z

I was in Marks and Spencer this morning.

The lady serving at the tills there saw me hovering with my basket and said quite loudly to me...

"Over here Angel"

She proceeded to call me Angel at least once more, maybe even twice during our brief exchange and all in all I was quite flattered by that.

I came back to the office and told my mate Chris this, he said 'patronising... patronising and common.' Chris has very high customer service standards!

The thing is and I told Chris this too... As I had walked away from the lady's till, I wondered if Angel was an appropriate way to address a customer and if she called everyone that. Either way, it made me feel nice and that was the important thing I supposed. Just as I was mulling all this over, the same checkout lady called across to another customer who was waiting.

"Over here Madam!"

I glanced across to the customer who had been addressed as Madam and she was probably only ten or fifteen years older than me.

Well, I'd rather be an Angel than a Madam any day and with that much, Chris was inclined to agree.

Back

2009-11-19T12:58:00.002Z

I'm back.

I'm grumpy as hell about it. I will get over myself in due course... I just never adjust well to those first few days of normality...

Rome was great. I'll put some pics up soon, when I get around to getting them on to my poota.

Anyway, what a great city and also it was just lovely to hang out with Mum, Dad, Anutie Marion and Uncle Keithy.

OK, better go... Fings to do :)

My New Scarf and other bits about the week.

2009-11-14T22:27:00.002Z

So I'm off tomorrow on my Italian mini break with my Mum and Dad. I'll be back on Wednesday night.

All it has been a pretty good week.

Gigs 59 and 60 were good. Well Party Piece (59) wasn't all that. My own fault: I jibber jabbered, which sometimes works. On Tuesday it didn't though. I just felt a bit guilty for being rubbish and copping out early. Having said that, there were not many audience there, so no point in getting too caught up in the guilt of it all.

Wednesday's Headway gig (60) at The Water Poets was amazing. Really lovely warm crowd. I got a lovely reception, good feedback after and managed to remember my words. I threw in a few happy ad libs that got laughs too. Some chick in the front (I think she was another comic actually from "The Silky Pair") coughed over my 'you can even give blowjobs' line, so I was worried the point was muffled, but I teased her about it and wondered what she was coughing on and that made it all funny again before the disclaimer ending...

After the gig I went drinking with the other comics including Duncan Oakley and Silky (no relation to The Silky Pair) Duncan and Silky have been going years and I felt all cheerful with myself for being out with the "big guns" (paid acts) and it was plain lovely as everyone had such a smashing time at the gig and after. We stayed out drinking until gone 2 in the morning.

Thursday was my last day at work until next Thursday. Ace!!

Friday was family fun day with lovely niecey in Brighton. Nan, Grandpa and Auntie JoJo took Mia to The Sealife Centre as the weather wasn't up to much. The Sealife Centre seemed quite cool. Not amazing or anything and we could only see what a child, who isn't even two yet, wanted us to see, so I'm not sure I made it to every nook and cranny, but overall the day was good. Mia has lots of new words and if you ask if she is ok? She says 'fine.' Even I have to admit that is cute!!

Today I hung around at my folks house. I was determined to finish knitting my scarf and finish knitting it I did... Oh yeah... Scarf pride...

I know you can't see the ends, but I promise it is all done! Only 3 years it took...After finishing the scarf. I went swimming (80 more lengths.) Then a quick stop at the shops on the way back home.

OK as important as I realise it is to keep you updated on my knitting and swimming progress, right now I really ought to be getting packed. Dad will be here to pick me up at 9 am tomorrow and I don't even think the washing has got dry properly yet.

Now where is that suitcase?

See you soon peeps xxx

Giving Myself A Pat On The Back

2009-11-09T13:05:00.002Z

2 gigs down, 2 to go of my mini November Tour...

Saturday was fine. Nice little gig in Piccadilly Circus. And Sunday was well. Perhaps you should read This. I did say I was a tad nervous about the gig in High Wycombe.

If it tells us anything, it tells us what a fantastic friend I have in Becki.

Thanks love xxx

Acting like a girly.

2009-11-06T22:53:00.003Z

Has anyone seen my plimsoles?

Of course you have. Anyone that has seem me, has seen my plimsoles and my jeans and my vast collection of tatty t-shirts and probably a hoody or a scruffy old cardi for good measure.

Well every now and again, I leave the plimsoles at home and I put on my girly shoes. In the past this has been rare, but it seems to be becoming a bit more regular. This week is of particular note. Not only did I leave my plimsoles at home, I left my jeans at home too. I didn't stumble out of the flat so drunk I went out in my jimjams. No...I wore a dress. Yes you read right, I wore a dress... Well not one dress, but two. Not two at the same time neither...

On two separate occasions this week I have worn a dress and tights and girly shoes: On Saturday I went to a really cool Halloween party and I wore a dress to the party. Not fancy dress a pretty dress. On Tuesday, I wore a smart dress to work, with fishnet tights too. How girly is that? Two dresses in one week!! AND Today I wore proper trousers and girl shoes AGAIN. What is happening to me? It is a marvel. It really is.

Thing is, I was out on Sunday after the zoo... jeans, plimsoles and a zoo shirt (for added class) and it was then that I got a bit of boy action. No dress, no heels required!

I'm liking the change towards the girliness, but I still like my plimsoles best and whatever anyone thinks, even girls in plimsoles can get kisses!

Please remember though, boys stink and kissing and all that should be treated with extreme caution.

A time for Industry

2009-11-06T17:40:00.004Z

Yes, this is right! I said Industry!! I had better explain... before people start to think they are on the wrong bloggage.

Well - So good is my diary planning that in the space of five days, I will be doing four comedy gigs!? You could say my gigs are like buses. None for ages, then four come along at once. Well it hasn't been ages, but it has been a little while. You wouldn't want to wait for a bus for 10 days I guess...Then after this week, I could end up going another two weeks until I gig again as well. What a goon! Anyway, this is a very disorganised list of what and where they are. If any blog passer by was interested in attending, just shout me up and I'll get you proper details.

Tomorrow: What Am I funny Huh?, Queen's Head, Piccadilly Circus.

Sunday: LOL Show, High Wycombe (scariest of the four - Mr Cee of the Comedy School said "Bring your best stuff, they can get rowdy." He offered me a spot, but then threw in this advice after hearing my set, twice in a week!? I took it as a huge compliment to get the gig and he obviously must have enjoyed something, but does he think I have some secret funnies that I've not been sharing with the students at the Comedy School?)

Tuesday: Party Piece, Stamford Hill, (I've not got my name down, but I'm hoping that is a mere technicality. I will be there for the discount Guiness, performance or no performance...)

Wednesday: A gig for a brain injury charity called Headway in a pub called the Water Poets... Someone at work asked me if I was interested in doing it and I get to do ten minutes if I like, so that should be nice. I suppose I'll have to take the brain injury section out of my set though. It simply won't be the same!!

I wonder if this monumental run of comedy magic will make me or break me. If I live to see Thursday of next week without liver poisoning, I'm hoping I will at least have learnt a few comedy lessons. Plus I'll be polishing my "60" medal with glee :) There is a medal right? Norm mentions it so much, there has to be!? I'm hoping the gigs go well, I don't lose my job and I feel encouraged to do a few more gigs EVERY week, but let us not hold our breath for this spell of industry lasting, hey?? Let us not tempt that eggy basket of funny fate.

Oh and I'm still knitting my scarf... intermittently and I have an order for a new scarf for a very special someone, so I had better get busy with the knitting needles too.

OK, I'm going home now and you will all be glad to hear that I am having an alcohol free day today. Yes, I'm not proud, but this is a big deal to me. My week has been a social whirl...I've been out five nights in the last week and am now saving up my energies for my "Comedy Tour" :) I guess having t-shirts printed is a little premature, but hey ho.

Gibbons

2009-10-29T16:41:00.002Z

I went to a gig in Angel last night at The Compass on Chapel Market. The gig was called The Giggling Gibbon. For the record it was my 56th gig… but hey, who’s counting? Oh yeah, that is right, loads of us are.

I had three supporters with me, my ex boss, his date and Becki Sprog. The room above the pub was empty when Becki and I arrived, but by the time show started it was fairly full up and they seemed like a nice crowd.

Just to take a slight tangent for a moment, I have been reading a fair bit of comedy blog chat, not here, but scattered about the place in pal’s blogs and comment streams. There has been a fair amount said on the subject of finding the right approach to comedy and what drives us to keep going and what we amateur comedians really want to achieve.

I don’t generally contribute to this debate. I’m not big on theorising and maybe I even took the mickey out of Norm when he first coined such phrases as “High Energy Stillness”. I may have raised an eyebrow or two when every other week he seems to have a new system and a new comedy 'this is the one' approach. I joke about it and it isn't my way, but I love Norm for it really.

The thing is - we are all going about this in our own ways and whatever way that may be, we all need to give ourselves a pat on the back for doing something a little out of the ordinary. We are doing something the majority of people swear they never could do. Surely that has to stand for something in its own right. I take my hat off to Norm for being up and scratching his head for new material at 6 am. That is incredible dedication. There is only one 6 o’clock in my day and it is when I’m finishing work and heading to the pub.

Believe it or not, it has not escaped my notice, after 33 years, that I am not the most industrious or focussed of souls. At least I have enough self awareness to admit that. I remember pulling all nighters at Uni, trying to get essays finished fuelled only on ProPlus and lucozade sweets, because I hadn’t fancied doing the work sooner. I am the queen of deadline extensions and procrastination techniques. I like nothing more than a little snooze with the kitties and there is always something better to do than washing up or worse still - straining my brain for funny ideas to actually write down and turn into material.

So, I might not have much to add to a conversation on the best way to build a set or how many new jokes to add in at a time. I might not report every gig I do and go into detail about the bits that worked or not. My current set about my relationships with my brother and the set before that, known as seven things, basically grew out of last minute pre-gig panic and were developed more or less through repeated performance and trial and error. And there we have it: we all have to approach the problem from the angle that works best for us and give each other some credit for having stuck with this messed up old world we call open mic comedy for the last year and a half or so…

Anyway, I’m sure I had a valid point to make, but I’ll get nowhere trying to argue that bimbling along gets you to the same places as hard graft does, so lets leave it with the mutual group hug for hanging on in there, whatever the approach and get back to the gig. …

I had a rubbish day at work yesterday, pretty much everything and everyone was getting on my nerves. Before people go up in arms about the public domain and job security, it was just one of those days. Whatever previous posts have said, I’ve been trying to buckle down a bit over the last week, but I just had a horror of a day yesterday. By the end of it when Becki said that her mate had cancelled their plans for the evening, I snapped at the chance of dragging her along to my gig and I snapped at the chance of us having a few beers and a moan before hand.

This was the time when I probably should have been swatting up on my material and getting my head in a good place to perform, but I wasn’t in the mood for that, so Becki and I supped Guinness and had a bitch and a laugh together before the gig began.

I was the last up of four acts that formed the first half of the show and I enjoyed the first three acts, but have to admit at the back of my mind was – “hmmm, a proper read through would have been really good. Am I going to remember my stuff?” there was a daft quiz with audience participation right before my turn, prolonging my agony and by then I was just sat there thinking ‘oh God, I need to pee and I can’t sneak out now'.

When my name was called and I got to the performance area (no stage as such), I did my usual faffing around – where to put the mic stand, where to leave my pint, taking my time about it and the audience seemed to go along with it and see the funny side. It was a good start and things continued well as the audience came along with me and warmed to me throughout my seven minute spot…

At one point, I did completely forget my next line and had to turn to Becki, who has seen the set countless times for a prompt. Thank God she was there, but even that little kerfuffle seemed to keep the audience laughing and I picked it up and carried on to what felt like a really strong finish. I just love when comedy goes like that and you feel that mutual warmth in the room and everyone has clearly had a smashing time.

I don’t generally big myself up, but last night made me so proud of myself, I feel 'ickle tears well up when I think about it. During the interval, the promoter said he really liked the set and hoped I’d come back soon, another lady tapped me on the shoulder just to tell me how much she enjoyed my stuff and, last, but not least, one woman said to me – “thank you for making a shit week, so much better.” How sweet is that? Little does she know, that she in turn has made my week better too.

So...Have I got a two-year strategy in place as to how I’ll get my strongest possible twenty minute set? No.

Does that make me too lazy to ever make a living from comedy? Maybe.

Do I love the buzz when it goes really well, a room full of people get behind you, laughing in all the right places and some, then strangers feel the need to come and thank you after? Yes I do get a buzz from that and that is one of the best reasons I can think of as to why I do comedy and why I hope I’ll be doing comedy for a while longer yet, even if it does involve a bit of effort every now and again or God forbid I never make a fortune from it...

Crabs

2009-10-27T11:47:00.003Z

Last night after three bottles of wine between two, it seemed as good a time as any to see if I could still do the crab - or as some call it the bridge.

Everyone can do a bridge - yeah so what? My claim to fame being that some time ago, in my more flexible youth - I could get to crab from standing and back up again, fairly effortlessly...

My 'friend' Becki, a trained first aider who you might have hoped would know better, cheered me on as I lent back as far as I could, dropped my arms back and as most of my joints creaked into life, I plonked down into what was, to be fair, a resplendent crab position. Even though, I was sozzled and I was in it, I have to say I bet it was magnificent. Nay, I know it was magnificent!

Once down there though, the prospect of getting straight back up to standing by will power alone was hampered by the fact that the open door that I could see behind me in an upside down way, was swaying somewhat. Everything I could see, had strangely started to do upsidey downy swaying.... Yeah, stuff was definitely swaying, that can't be right!!

I think for that first attempt, I chickened out and I just collapsed onto the floor, before getting up via a more traditional route, using knees and or elbows, but I would not be beaten....

Back down I went, yep everything is still swaying, really swaying a lot, bettter get up quick before this all gets too much... and I mustered all my hip strength and back strength and whatever strength it is that allows you to do that and up I went... woohoo, I'm up, I'm up, sh!t sh!t - I'm still moving forward really fast and now I'm tubbling round the coffee table and hurtling head first toward the fish tank...what the f*ck is happening here?? Aaaaaaaargh - Thankfully my head came safely to rest on the arm of the sofa.... No harm done.

You could see the relief in little Roger's eyes as he peered out of his tank and I think Didger did a little poo of relief.

As we used to say in the West Country... Laugh? We laughed our ruddy 'eads off...

I think I should try that again, says I...

Yeah, says Becki, You've nearly got that...

The third attempt wasn't nearly as much fun. I went down, I came up, I tumbled forward, this time towards the TV, but the tumble was minor really. All in all there was the glimmer of what could be gymnastic potential in that last crab trick and no one needs that as the end to a story.

We also learnt that Sproglet can do the crab too, but she needs to work on her getting up and down technique... It isn't nearly dangerous enough.

When we have a 100 ft garden, we are going to start tumbling classes. Come, they'll be amazing!

Lazy times.

2009-10-25T20:41:00.003Z

Is what I'm enjoying now, apart from the fact that I'm writing this too. I think i've earned it though...I have had a pretty full on weekend, to be fair.

I worked Friday and Saturday night for The Comedy School Showcase. I'm not a natural born bar person, but I enjoy helping out Debs behind the bar for the showcases... I've done it four or five times now and am slowly getting the hang of it. It is after all, a free night of comedy, it stops me from going out and spending tons of money on booze and most of the time it is pretty good fun. The Comedy School helped me start out my comedy journey and it seems like a cool thing to be able to do, to help them as they help others to start out.

I went flat hunting during the day yesterday. I saw two more flats and had an appointment with a mortgage advisor... It all went fairly well. I have had a mortgage agreed in principle, which I don't think was ever in too much doubt... The important thing is, on a practical level, it does sound within my budget and I'm all systems go now. I really liked one of the flats I saw and am going back for a second look tomorrow with my flatmate to be, Becki Sprogs. My flat's HIPs should be done within the next few days and my flat will then be on the market. My head is already swimming with it all, but in a good way.

Talking of swimming, I went today, but read about that in the other blog later. Then lunch with the parents. We talked about my brother's wedding next year in Sorrento. All sounds lovely, but looks as if that is going to cost me about a grand at least. You have to love my brother! We also talked about the flat I saw yesterday, that was more interesting...

I got back to Walthamstow about 7.30 tonight and so I'm finally chilling out for the first time in what seems like ages. I might do some knitting shortly and plan to get a lovely early night.

Hmmm, must put more jokes in this blog - some other time perhaps.

Hip hip hooray, it is Friday today

2009-10-23T10:31:00.003+01:00

Well we've made it through another long week and the weekend looms like a giant sweet peach of free time and happiness.

FYI, those of you that were a little peeved by the previous glum Tuesday based post... I've responded in the comments and I'll be on my bestest behaviour from now on. Well maybe... Better not make promises I can't keep.

Sproggles has been busy with her blog. Some of the things she has been writing about are hilarious. Like locking herself in the loft at work. Classy chick.

I'm helping at the Comedy School tonight and tomorrow night. Showcase-o-rama. See, I'm kind and do helpful stuff. I'm not JUST an ungrateful layabout.

The househunting continues this weekend as well, so I'll keep you posted on that. Oh yeah, I have to do a whole lot of swimming too. I will update the Swimming blog next week, when hopefully, I'll be nearly half way across the channel ...

OK, I'm going to do some work now people. Yes, I said work... Wish me luck!

That Monday Feeling.

2009-10-13T14:42:00.002+01:00

Like I know it is Tuesday, but as I was out on my Team Away Day yesterday, today is my first day back in the office and today has a horrible feel of Monday about it...

Christ on a bike, it is boring here.

So was yesterday's away day (yawnorama), but it wasn't in Goswell Road and it ended at 3pm.

Sorry, I should stop moaning.

Stoopid job.

The Big Clean

2009-10-07T01:07:00.005+01:00

After my crazy arsed plan to find Becki and I a love nest, a very brief conversation with an estate agent has led to my flat getting valued tomorrow. Apparently it is better to be 'under offer' before hunting around for the dream home. My Dad says he can get my HIPS done for nuffink, so that is nice, they've been squeaking for a while now, but what that has to do with the flat, I've no idea. Anyway, so whatever happens, I need to know what this flat is worth and what I can afford, before I can look about for something new. I guess I'll be meeting with the mortgage people soon too then. So my mad capped plan is very rapidly becoming an actual real life very serious investment and change of life plan with all sorts of commitment and financial implications. Oh heck...

In the meantime. A big clean up was required and QUICK! Pictures were taken...

She won't be happy until that window sill is gleaming...

Not every day I get spotted doing the dishes...

And even 'shiny sinking' the sink

Now this next bit was where things really started to hot up. This stuff truly is a miracle...

Mix 1 part Miracle Foam shampoo with one part water and agitate to get the foam up...

Squeeze out the rollers...

And simply roll away the filth...

HOT...

HOTTER STILL...

Et Voila...

Thank you Sproglet for all your help this evening. We ARE Domestic Goddesses :)

GIG UPDATE

2009-10-06T12:22:00.002+01:00

Had a super time at Leicester Square Theatre last night. Shame I didn't get through to the next round of the competition, but I don't think I did too badly (by my standards) and there was some pretty good acts on... Anyway, we all had a riot and that is the main thing.

Then I got an email from Martin Besserman today about the Monkey Business gig I was due to do on Thursday and I've been dropped for Russell Howard and Stephen Merchant. Well I knew Merchant was performing anyway and I had been telling all my buddies that I was on the same bill as him. Now I'm not, because of that stinker Howard. Ho Hum.

Must book more gigs... You'll be the firsts to know when I do...

Norm, thank you for supporting last night. It was nice to have drinkies and drunken chats after.
Becki, thank you for everything. You are a smasher :)

xx

This blog Has Been Really Dull. Not Anymore It Isn't...

2009-10-05T16:26:00.010+01:00

Outrageous.

Of late, all this blog seems to consist of is apologies for lack of content or lack of frequency or lack of excitement. I'm not giving up though, like the owner of a stubborn untrained puppy, there may be poop everywhere, but I am plodding on. With hard work and determination (ha ha ha - did I really use those words?) With a bit of work and nowhere near enough determination, I'll make this blog, sit, stand and roll over with shiny coated, waggy tailed finesse...

Of course, I'd be much better with an actual puppy than I am with this here blog. I'd love that puppy. I don't show this blog enough love. Aaaargh my puppy analogy has got out of control and just made me go on about my unfulfilled puppy love and feel a bit sad again.

OK, Fetch...

It isn't like I haven't done blog worthy stuff, because I have.

I went on that boat trip. That was ace, Cruising on the River Wey aboard the Goosander ... That deserves a whole entry all to itself. It is unlikely to get one, as it is almost ten days ago since I returned, but remember these few points:

Narrow boats are generally smaller than flats or houses and they don't have lovely flush toilets. The bunks are quite narrow and you have to take care not to fall out of them.
Some locks are stiff, some locks are loose, whatever the lock - always remember to close the slooshes before you leave.
Mind you don't rip your fingers off by getting them tangled in ropes holding onto boats that are heavy.
Take whisky and whipped cream to add to your coffee. YUM! Warm and creamy, tasty coffee and booze - all in one!!
Boat people and people by canals and rivers are generally happier and friendlier than city people. Everyone Smiles. Try it! If you can be arsed, wave too. You might think they are all c*nts by the end of the week, but just keep on smiling and waving and you'll be fine.
Life on the river, means plenty of swans, geese and ducks to feed. CUTE. Big up to the swans, geese and ducks!
We were really lucky with the weather, if it rains, this holiday would most likely have been a heap of swancrap: Wet, stinky and no fun at all...
When you get off the boat and on to dry land after an extended stay, expect to feel discombobulated. Still things on land will seem to sway. You may crave to be back on the water, just so you know if it feels like it is moving - that is because it is!! Fear not, it is just your sea legs and your land legs rearranging themselves and something to do with your lugholes. It should only last a day or so.

A few piccies of note were taken, sorry not to have them ready. I'll sort them out soon. Or not, it don't really matter... I've painted the pictures with my words. Don't you agree?

There - CONTENT! And this puppy ain't done playing yet!!

Since I've been home from my hollibobs, I've been having some lovely nights out with my Becki Sproggles :) We have had mucho Fun! Such were our drunken antics on Friday night, that we stumbled back to mine and who knows what time in the morning, eating burgers, chips and appley pies from WFC. KFC was shut by then :P I'm a good friend. I didn't make her trudge home alone in the wee small hours. No, I let her stay. We woke up still a bit drunk on Saturday and we giggled and we giggled, just at our own silliness really, but it was very therapeutic and good for the soul indeed. Laughter is the most certainly the best medicine.

A tiny gentle breaker of a brainwave, lapping on the shores of my consciousness has become a brain tsunami as I think I might be about to do something about this next big life question: Why live by oneself in a one bedroom flat, when a two bed place (with a lodger), even if it does mean a bigger mortgage could actually be MORE economical? Plus, I'd have company and I'd look for one with a garden, to play out with the kitties and all in all it would be bigger, better and loads more FUN! I'd have to find someone to live with though... Who would make the perfect lodger? Who do ya think? Hee hee. I'm a reckless case when I put my mind to it and the Estate Agent is coming on Wednesday to value the current Ogflat.

I'm gigging too:

Oh yeah, I got past the 50 gig marks and thanks to Keith Palmer and The Comedy School for making number 50 so special. Keith doesn't read this, but if he did, he would see that I am grateful for him offering me a spot on such a lovely night. 100+ students and a really great line up, plus me. I wasn't bad and the night overall was very cool!

Comedy competition tonight at the Leicester Square Theatre and Monkey Business on Thursday. Oh yeah. I'm keeping up with the comedy goings on. Yes siree, I certainly am!

Roll on 100 gigs...

And I booked a three night trip to Rome. That is November. More on that later.

And I haven't been swimming as much as I should, but the Channel challenge rumbles on... See the other blog for that hey?

B*tches

2009-09-29T16:40:00.002+01:00

Hey you filthy b*tches.

Whassup??

I will when the time is right, blog my super sunny time aboard the Goosander. Narrowboating is a right old lark.

In the meantime, why not check my progress on the Swimmy blog. Swimming Rules.

x

Breakaway Blog (for swimming not chocolate biscuits)

2009-09-14T15:37:00.003+01:00

I've done one of those off shoot blogs. God I'm cool!!

It is called Swimmy Swim. (The link is over there just below my normal blog archive). Hey you should totally follow the offshoot blog as well as the main blog. Ah Go On...

I've put it there to keep a tally on how the swim challenge is going, because it started today. I don't expect it will make fascinating reading, but I'll try my best to keep it light and cheery as well as informative. It is there as a reference point really, so anyone who has sponsored me or anyone with an interest in long drawn out swimming challenges can see how I'm getting along.

The sponsorship link again:

http://www.justgiving.com/Oglets-Big-Swim-09/

Sorry, charity is so boring. I've got to keep plugging the damn thing though...

A blockage in my bloggage.

2009-09-10T11:42:00.004+01:00

Hey new readers/commenters/followers - Welcome and Thank You.

This here entry is just meant as a little apology for the lack of new postings. You join up to a new blog, then you get nothing for weeks. That sucks, I do realise that and am very sorry, but don't be blue. It is just that things are a wee bit up in the air with me at the moment and in the interests of sensitivity, the wonder of the blog has had to get sidelined for a short while. I am still here and there bimbling about with Sproglet as normal, so don't panic.

For those with an interest in the comedy - Another of my quiet patches has stretched into a three week unplanned comedy holiday, but I'm getting back in the saddle with three gigs over the next week. Monkey Business tonight, Party Piece next Tuesday and Rye Wit next Wednesday... Watch this space for news of how they go or try and get along to one if you can :) You can hopefully find details via google or just ask me.

For those of you with an interest in my Weight Watching, I watched it go up, but I'm not having that any more, so I am in full point counting mode, been back to the gym and we can all watch together as it goes down again - Soon! I promise.

For those of you with just a general interest in my being an arse. That is still going on, but I can't go into too much detail for fear of the fact that the boss is due out of a meeting in five minutes and I really need to sign off quick sharp.

No more blogs to read? Bored online? Have you sponsored me yet? http://www.justgiving.com/Oglets-Big-Swim-09/
I start next week and I'll be keeping you posted on how that progresses too.

Thanks for you patience. Ogs x

Adventures in Edinburgh

2009-08-28T11:07:00.007+01:00

Four nights of sharing a bed with Peter Goddard, is not everybody's idea of a fun filled adventure, but sometimes, in the name of comedy... compromises have to be made. This was one of those times... With my baggiest ugliest PJ's packed, I was Festival bound and ready to see some Comedy.

On the 20th August 2009, our Edinburgh journey began. We drove to The Holly Bush, Cradley Heath, on the outskirts of Birmingham, where Peter did a very sound job of compering a lovely comedy night and I mumbled my way through a ten minute set, with enough laughter for me not to feel too miserable after and advice from Peter to watch the rambling in future. Fair enough...

The night ended about 11 and we got back in the Rover 1100 and found our way to the big road (yes, the motorway) Northbound...

We shared the driving through the night and through the nasty rain and no one needs to know who drove which bit and what delightful service stations we refuelled and did our peepees at. It took ages, we bought comedy c.d's and songs of the seventies to keep us chipper, because apparently the bedwetting indie drone of 'Elbow' is not conducive to night driving. By 6 am, we had reached our Edinburgh pad, actually in nearby Leith.

This location worked out ok, Peter frog marched us up the long hill to the City Centre every morning without fail, so at least we were getting some exercise, even if we hardly saw a piece of fruit or a vegetable all weekend. A half hour trek at Goddard Pace certainly gets one ready for a pint and a comedy show...

Day one - and after only four hours sleep, we were off... Looking for information about what to see and where to see it and ready to immerse ourselves in comedy. We walked into the City and after we'd had a pint and quick stop for a Gregg's pasty by some wheelie bins - Yes, this was full on glamour -we were raring to go!

In four days, This is a list of the shows we saw/other notable things we did...

Friday 21st August
It's got Jokes in it -Hannah George, Catie Wilkins, Lou Sanders and an open spot
Alex Maple's Press Release, felt a bit bad for Alex as it wasn't a very full room and the audience seemed a bit quiet. There was free chocolate though and we enjoyed the show anyway.
A gig at the Dragonfly - Toby Brown and several other comics
We ate a pizza.
Get Happy (can't remember who was on, I was very tired, by the time this began at 11 pm)

Saturday 22nd August
City of the Dead Tour (spooky walk ending in Edinburgh Vaults - my choice - a good tour to be fair, but not enough vault action...)
We then had a bit of a gap, mincing about, finding our feet, (they were at the end of our legs all along) buying tickets for other shows over the weekend and drinking beer.
Evening - Dan Antopolski at the Pleasance Dome (Amazing show - Mucho funnies.)

We went to Brooke's Bar and 'mingled' with the stars. Well, we got outed as 'Audience' and asked by anyone we knew who happened to be there: "How did you get in?" - Oh, what little faith!! A fair question - No, we didn't have credentials or connections - we had just walked in, having arrived early, before the doorman clocked on! Easy Peasy :)

Sunday 23rd August
In full swing now, we knew our way around, we had shows to see planned, we were cooking on gas!
North-South Divide, Charlie Talbot and Dave Gibson at the Beehive (still impressed by the lovely funny, charming Dave Gibson.)
Yummy kebab lunch with Alex and Mads.
Robin Ince's Book Club
The Hotel - Amazing experience, look this one up, it was very funny and truly unique.
Glenn Wool - A good show with uncomfortable seats.
Get Happy - with four open spots including William Lee (joking about eating pets - how does he think of his material) Peter Goddard providing a strong(ish) close to another wise shaky open spot section and Adams and Rea headline.
Scary late show, hosted by our buddy David Hardcastle with a whole gaggle of fairly new comics all telling in-jokes and just larking about to a bored audience of "C-Venues" staff. Left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, this one. Perhaps I was just over tired by that point!?

Monday 24th August
Go Go Go Coffee Show - Caroline Mabey (loved CM's work here - very enjoyable.)
Bussman's Holiday (Jane Bussman) This was gritty, topical warzone comedy - an interesting fixture in our fun packed schedule. Good too.
The Fudge Show, Patch Hyde and Adam Tempest (comedy in a fudge shop - yum yum)
Get Happy, Headline Imran Yusuf, with a very scary t-rex impression.

It seems odd to wittle down four days of comedy fun and mania into a fairly ordinary looking list and I'm no reviewer, so I've kept the comments to a bare minimum. I just know that Peter and I had a terrific long weekend and looking back over this list, we did pretty well on the amount and variety of shows and performers we saw.

Totting things up - it seems like we got to 15 shows in 4 days and saw somewhere in the region of 40 performers. I'm excluding The Hotel's performers from the count (too many people involved) and the really late Sunday show of no name that I'm aware of (I'd just rather forget that). All in all, I think we did pretty damn well on our weekend of comedy learning and laughing.

We drove ourselves home on Tuesday, tired and weary, listening to more sounds of the seventies and feeling smug at the wonderful times experienced over the last few days. From Edinburgh to Walthamstow, via Battersea, we'd clocked up around 10 hours efforts. It is only a shame that I got a crack in my windscreen - which happened with Peter at the wheel - I dozed off for half hour and he breaks the vehicle, bloody men!!* That will almost certainly blow any savings made from not travelling by train, which would have been a four and a half hour journey, spent snoozing and reading and supping Pimms.

Oh well, Peter says we mustn't think of it like that and I am glad we made the road trip. It was all part of the adventure and I wanted driving practice and certainly got that. I'll take the train next year and leave the car at home, but not even a cracked windscreen can chip my memories of a smashing great weekend.

*Your share of the auto-glass bill will be in the post imminently Pete...

In other news. I have to go the gym now. Blinking heck. I've not been in two months. ARSE!

Cup Cake

2009-08-18T16:20:00.004+01:00

I just ate a cup cake. It is only 1 hour and 40 minutes to weigh in, but cup cakes don't really weigh that much, so it seemed harmless enough.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm cake.

This is where the cake was from: www.cupcakeemporium.co.uk

Arse, I still haven't read any books. Soz, I know after my amazing toe-dip into film reviews last week, you can barely wait for the first of my book reviews to arrive on this page. Perhaps I should break myself in easily with something like a volume of the Mr Men.

I did watch Slumdog Millionaire on Sunday and really rather liked that. It's old news now, that movie, so I'm not going to practice my reviewing on that...

Oh did I mention? ... Before any of that (the cake and the film) - Barry and I had a lovely trip to the zoo on Sunday and we saw the baby lions playing. They were very very sweet...

Barry even promised to buy me a lion cub (and a puppy) x

Huzzah.

Not really.

The cubz were effing gorgeous though.

Evil Barry, not getting me a mini-lion. Who does he think he is?

Northampton & The Cubblers

2009-08-14T12:15:00.004+01:00

See What I did there?

Cobblers? Cubblers?

I am so besotted with the beautiful new cubs at London Zoo. They are simply gorgeous. I am going especially on my non zoo Sunday to see them this weekend and am beside myself with excitement. I've even surprised myself on this one... Jo & Excitement are not two words to be put together lightly.

Went to Northampton last night with Norm. It was a really nice gig. Norm kept calm when we got caught in traffic for 45 minutes before even getting off the North Circular and really put his foot down when we did make it to the M1 to get us there only twenty or so minutes later than planned...

The crowd was friendly. I wasn't on until 5th of 6 comics and that meant I was performing about 11 o'clock when some people had scarpered home, but still I felt like I had some nice moments where I engaged with the remaining crowd (still plenty of people). I didn't just stick religiously to my material either. I think I might have been just shy of 10 minutes, but not too far off that mark. The other comics all seemed to do well and everyone seemed happy.

Norm did good for his 40th gig and after it all, he got us both home safe, even though it was an ungodly time of the night.

A fun time was had by all.

That film I went to see on Wednesday with Sprogs was creepy. Odd and creepy. Enough said!! Antichrist by Lars von Trier. The premise is two people grieving for their dead baby and how the husband tries to help his wife as she struggles to come to terms with that loss. She goes a bit bonkers to say the least.

The film was quite slow to get going though and two people even walked out of the cinema after about 45 minutes, but the tension did build up as it progressed. Although surreal and gruesome, the ending was worth the wait. (Even if when you are at the 11.30 showing and the ending happens at 1.30 am on a school night.)

If you do see it, you'll never be able to look at foxes the same way again. Or crows. Acorns could leave you a bit wobbly too... Rusty old scissors? You'll be avoiding those for sure! Gosh, I should be a film critic. I think I have hidden talents. ha ha ha.

BUT, Don't waste your time at the cinema. Go see the Lion Cubs. cubs cubs cubs cubs. I just love those cubs. I hope Barry is bringing some strong sedatives with him for this trip to the zoo on Sunday or he could have an overwhelmed Oglet on his hands!!

Sorting Things Out A Little Bit

2009-08-11T17:34:00.002+01:00

So I still haven't read any books. I did look up an insect I saw on the tube in my big British Wildlife book to find out what it might be called... It was called a Forest Bug. I am going to see a film tomorrow too, so watch this space for what I thinks to that. . .

I have this little rash going on just by my eye and my nose and it has been bothering me a bit, but I kept putting off finding out how to try and fix it. I went to the chemist today. The lady there gave me some EMOLLIENT cream. The jury is out on whether the EMOLLIENT cream will help, but I guess the point is - I did something about it...

In other news: I did a gig last week, which wasn't amazing, but got me back into things comedy again. I'm doing two more gigs this week and another gig and a few days jaunt to Edinburgh next week. I haven't done much to find a new job yet, but I've been a bit busier at work, which takes my mind off how much I hate it all for some of the time anyway.

AND I just signed up to a charity based 12 week channel swim style challenge to try and shift my fitness up a gear over the coming months. You see you swim the 22 miles, over the 12 weeks, in the comfort of your local pool... Barry has offered to cover me in goose fat before each session (for added channel swim experience authenticity) but I think that might eventually just clog up the filter at the Virgin Active pool.

Oooh, why not stop by my fundraising page to donate money to the peeples with spinal injuries? Or not. It is there anyway.

http://www.justgiving.com/Oglets-Big-Swim-09/

OK, I have to go or I'll be late for this shin dig gig at Manny's.

CATS

2009-08-05T14:50:00.006+01:00

When stuck in a rut with one's bloggage. Do not fear: Please return to the funny kitty pics that have served so well in hard times before:

This just made me chuckle. Is it wrong to say spaz attack?

This just struck a chord for some reason...

In case that writing is a bit tiny on this "Your Mama Loves U" pic - it Says: "even if the other kids calls u fat, she knows uz jus fluffy.

Pickies courtesy of...
http://icanhascheezburger.com/

I still haven't read any books yet.

To Blog Or Not To Blog.

2009-08-03T12:06:00.009+01:00

I'm not blogging anymore. There is no money in it anyway. Or is there? Norm has a new blog and it is covered in adverts. I bet he is raking it in now. Have I been super naiive? Could I retire on the ad hits from my blog alone? With only 6 followers to date, I'd better not bank on that. I've never been one to assume everything has to end in a pay cheque and I'm not sure the blog really benefits from being plastered in ads, but what would I know. . .

But no, I haven't quit blogging just yet, I do keep meaning to blog. Only 3 posts in July? That is shocking. All of those posts at the start of the month - so no posts since July 2nd? Again - it is a shocker, where have I been? What has been going on with me?

Well...

I've been in a mini lull. There are a lot of things I haven't been doing like I should...I only gigged twice in July too. Work has been a bit hard going. I haven't been to the gym. WW plateued at only 2lbs weight loss. Its all gone to the dogs!! Gone to the dogs, but still no puppy :'( Poor Ogs.

I did have a fantastic time in Cornwall. It wasn't sunny every day, but we did have a few lovely hot afternoons/mornings and one whole hotter than hot day on the beach. And little tiny toddler niece loves the beach too, so everyone was pleased with that. Constantine Bay was as beautiful as I'd promised and I think even Mum and Dad were taken aback by it. We ate out all the time. We visited places like the Eden Project and Tintagel Castle. I turned 33. It was a really nice family break.

I only had one tense moment, when by Wednesday, used to suiting myself 24/7, I felt like I had overdosed on 'happy family life'. I felt myself getting tetchy and grumpy for no good reason, but after grasping a few hours to myself on Wednesday morning, I put my smile back on. We all had a lovely last day or so and found our way to Friday morning and goodbye time, with everyone in excellent spirits...

I stayed on for a few more days with Vicky, for lots more eating, drinking and Cornish merriment, then sadly it was time to come back to London.

I've been back at work for nearly 3 weeks now and they have not been the happiest or the proudest 3 weeks of my 'career'. The boss has got wind of the fact I am - at best - coasting, at worst - drowing (in boredom and despair, rather than being overworked...) Oddly enough - he has started to get a bit shirty when things don't always get done as requested. Who knew? These managers can be so unreasonable at times!!

I did have a very nice gig in Eastbourne on the 17th. Thanks to Peter G for inviting me along to that.

Roger's tail seems to be looking pretty good after a few nasty bouts of finrot earlier this year and the cats are in fine fettle, so that is nice.

No point in detailing all that has been going on in July at this late stage: July, as they say, has been and gone. August lies ahead of us with a whiff of wonder, the parfum of promise or is that just more rain in the air? Anyway, it is August now, so it is onward and upward for this here Ogs...

Perhaps I'll try and switch to a more topical blog for August on a trial basis. Hey, I could even attempt to look at the news, read a book (or maybe read an article about a book). Maybe I'll watch a film between now and September. Lets face it, writing about me and the things I haven't been up to, is getting a little tiring... for all concerned.

Well there we have it - I am back up and running and more to follow soon, we hopes xx Sorry if it is a bit of a slow re-start, just as well I'm not reliant on that advertising income just yet...

You turn your back for one minute...

2009-07-02T11:23:00.003+01:00

Mornington is getting in on the act. She hasn't been checking her forecasts either. Do you think she has heard about all the lovely seafood on offer in Padstow?

A packing day...

2009-07-02T10:22:00.003+01:00

Lucy wants to come to Cornwall. She obviously hasn't been looking at the same weather forecast as me. Heavy showers right through until Monday :(

Cornwall A Go Go ...

2009-07-01T18:14:00.002+01:00

Well what a week it has been. There have been ups, there have been downs. Does anyone really care? Do they? I don't!! I am very close to the end of the last day at the job I loathe. Well I say last day - not forever, but I won't be coming back here for a whole 11 days and I am oh so grateful for my time off. :)

As you may have guessed from the heading of this bloggage: I am off to Sunny Cornwall. Will the sun shine? We bloody hope it will! A family holiday in Cornwall is going to be a real shocker without at least a few days of sunshine. I love my family, (ahem, no I do, don't let the comedy set fool you...), but nobody wants to sit around playing endless cards or scrabble while it pees down outside for a whole week! Ogden tempers will become frayed...

I don't leave until Friday, but have tomorrow off to do packing and all that... Cleaning the flat, so my team of cat sitters aren't too appalled. Sproglet is usually fairly forgiving on that front mind you... Thank you Sproggles for cat sitting :) Wuv you, Miss you :) Not sure what the upstairs neighbours (who are on duty for the first two days) make of the place when I leave it in a mess. One tries not to dwell on that thought too much.

Ah, the beach, the sea, the ice creams, the pasties, the cider, the Eden Project, the sand, the sun, the pasties, the cider (yeah pasties and cider twice) I can hardly wait...

I will miss my scientist though (A LOT) and my friends and I am going to be on regular mini-missions to locate the best mobile signal, or any effing mobile signal, so I can keep up to date on London goings on...

It is nearly time to pack up my work things now. wooohooo.

I'll try and take a few choice snaps, so you can get a flavour of how the hollibobs turned out, but wouldn't like to promise a blog entry while I'm there. I'm not sure they have the technology for it... xxx

Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T00:45:00.002+01:00

You all know I'm not your typical topical blogger, but blimey, he has only gone and died.

First person to show me the text at the end of Monkey Business tonight, I thought it must be a joke. (Wow, no, it wasn't...)

People actually talked on the tube home tonight.

Facebook is flooded with love, but mostly jokes and banter. That is what you get for befriending so many comedians I guess.

There are people in pieces on the radio. Should I be in pieces? I've cracked open a bottle of wine, any excuse...

Everyone is talking about all those great hits. I'm remembering ABC.

Lets get things in perspective though. It is way past my bed time.

Night night all. xxx

Blog of Love

2009-06-24T01:38:00.002+01:00

Been to WW again. In a cruel twist of fate, I was down 2 and Sprogs was up 1.5 ...

We also went to comedy tonight and it has ended in another Dominos related incident. Mmmmm pizza.... And right now, Becki is here on my sofa making sweet love to my pussy-cat, Mornington. It is outrageous. There is snuggling, licking and that is just the cat!

Where is my love? Huh, either of you?

Don't you worry, you pair of dirty feline flirts, for I have found happiness elsewhere. I think science love is my way forward and I'm as happy as larry!!!

Yes, read it and weep suckers. Oglet is happy!

BLOG, SCHMOG, GROG

2009-06-18T15:21:00.002+01:00

I be cream crackered dear reader...

Sorry I haven't been blogging. It is because I've been very busy. Makes a change I s'pose. Being busy can take it out of a young Oglet though. It can really take it out of a not so young - thirty something Oglet.

Today is my seventh night out on the trot. Here is the 7:

1. Friday - date. *ahem* yes, I had a date and it was very nice and I'm not talking about it here, so theres...

2. Saturday - Drinking with my Sproggles :) Hoorah. Very nice day indeed. Sun & Booze and Becki. Lush!

3. Sunday - Zoo in the daytime followed by writing appointment, Sunday evening. Sorry to my writing buddy as I wasn't much cop this week...

4. Monday - work (well a visit to the office), followed by Wine and Houmous with my pal Anne.

5. Tuesday - office followed by Party Piece at the Pangea Project with Sprogs (and lots of beer and Dominos at hometime.)

6. Wednesday - office then Lewis Schaffer show with Peter (and lots of beer)

7. Today - office now and gig in Wimbledon Park later (and less beer than normal, coz I can't take the pace...

It may not be a huge surprise that I've fallen off the gym wagon a bit this week. I did 30 minutes cardio there yesterday and was going to swim today, but may have talked myself out of it before the day is through. Well it all gets a bit much really doesn't it!

The Manager is away on a training course for two days and back tomorrow. Maybe if I concentrate hard, I can make it look like I've done two days work in the next two hours.

Whatdayathink? Ooh, someone just mentioned tea. That always happens to me...

Welcome Home Sprogs (and a few other asides....)

2009-06-10T17:45:00.005+01:00

In other matters. Sproglet is due home today from her adventures Al Italia...

Welcome home my lovely :)

Oh yeah, comedy - no I've been lazy again and not gigged in over a week. Bad lazy Jo. No getting rich and famous for you!! I have a gig next week. Yes, one gig...Wow. Rock on. Top Comedy Commitments.

Today, partly because I left the flat quite late and partly thanks to that lot of numpties, the RMT being on strike, I rolled into work at around 11. Then I took nearly two hours for lunch, so I'm kind of making up time now. Not actually with work stuff, but I am here in the office and ready to jump to attention, should any Performance Monitoring emergencies arise. It must be re-assuring to the general public to know.

Excellent - I'm all blogged out too. I think I might have a cuppa.

Gymmage Update

2009-06-10T15:20:00.008+01:00

So, I went to see Fitness First on Monday and it was really grim in there. I hope that isn't libelous or anything, but it was really dingy and cramped. My gym Buddy Niamh agreed with me as well, she said it made her feel claustrophobic!

Not to mention they tried to tell us it was 51 quid a month, when I don't know anyone that pays more than 40 quid for FF membership. So, there we have it - it wasn't just me being silly after all. (Apologies to any FF users for being nasty, perhaps it is just the City Road one that is so wholly unpleasant.)

Re the comments from before. Virgin is spitting distance from work. It is 2 minutes away. FF is 4 minutes away, so I'm definitely at the right one! Hoorah... I do go at luncthimes occassionally, but even though it is close and even though I only work-out for around 40-50 minutes, I can't get there, get changed and work-out and get showered and changed again and back to work in less than 1 hour, 30 mins. Often if I faff around, and I'm infamous for my faffing, it takes me two hours. My manager might tolerate that, but when you consider the time I roll up to this joint, (yes, blogging on the Council's time again.) well, it could appear that I'm never here. *gasps-shock horror* So it is better really for me to go after work and sometimes by the end of the day I really don't feel like it.

So the thing is... I said I was pondering option 1, (to stick with Virgin and go to the gym more regularly) and seeing the FF grimpit really made me realise what side my bread was buttered - or should I say reduced fat spreaded? Well, whatever your spread of choice, I know which side mine is on...Get this....

I have been to the gym Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday...Tuesday: I went for a swim out of celebration at the wonders that are the lovely Virgin Active facilities. I am feeling much better about it already.

I don't know tons of people who use the gym, but I had a few lonely boring visits lately, where I went without Niamh and didn't see any of the staff I know and like to say Hi to. Maybe that took the fun out of it for me.

This week, Niamh and I have been across to the gym twice together and I've seen Nicole (the ex-PT) twice and all three days I've seen Roman (the ex-sometimes-stand-in-for-Nicole-PT). That man is so ridiculously hot. Well, I think so anyway. Either way, it seems to make it a lot more jolly if there are friendly faces and I get that extra bit of encouragement.

I had my WW weigh-in last night. The outcome - I had stayed the same weight as the week before. This is a good result really - as my overall approach to WW has been to eat salad slightly more often , but otherwise carry on with my normal unhealthy ways, while hoping for the best. I got myself a points calculator. It makes tracking points a piece of piss. So, maybe that will help me stick to the plan a bit more. Watch this space.

After WW, I went to the pub and got bladdered on five or six pints of premium lager. Points? what points? While at the pub, I got told of a fabulous way to lose weight called "Pig to Twig." Apparently, I absolutely must read this book!!! It is simple and easy and the weight just falls off. I am beside myself with excitement. I wonder if I can Pig to Twig while WWing. It could all get too much if I'm not careful.

The same friends (Sue and Lucy*) who told me about the book, also said I didn't really need to lose weight (women always say that to other women.) Women, hear this - I am above my healthy weight range, as was told to me what I must weigh by the government and I won't rest until I get back in range. Or something like that.

They, Sue and Lucy, proceeded to tell me I was an incredibly attractive woman and intelligent too. I will be seeing a lot more of these friends from now on. I don't know where they had got the impression that my self esteem needed that kind of boost. Moi - doubt myself? Pah, the very thought!! Of course, they were very drunk, but still - what lovely things to say.

*Sue and Lucy are real people. It is purely co-incidence that one is named after my cat. When I start taking diet advice and compliments from the kitties, please lock me up and throw away the key.

The Dreaded Gym

2009-06-08T17:11:00.004+01:00

I've not been to the gym in weeks. So I've been thinking about cancelling. Facing the fact that it might be time to cancel is leaving me feeling a bit defeated. I don't feel relieved about freeing myself from an unnecessary 70 a month membership. I just wonder why I can't get on with it and use the bloody gym more.

So what do I want?

I want to have the motivation to go. To get on the fitness band wagon and start to feel a bit less embarrassed about my wobbly tum and other wobbly bits. Hmmmm.

Tonight I'm going to check out Fitness First. It is the cheaper option to the Virgin that I currently belong to. Chris goes there, so maybe he would drag me along to classes with him at lunch times. I don't think I like it there though. I've been once before and I'm only really going to see if it is as bad as I remember or if I'm just being a bit silly.

You see the thing about Virgin gyms is they have a pool. When did I last swim? Probably about six months ago. I love the idea that I could swim though!!

Oh and they supply the towels at the one I go to as well. But they don't supply towels in all their gyms and if you go to a Virgin Active where there is no complimentary towel service, they make you pay a pound even though the membership you've paid for your gym includes towels. Bonkers. No towels at all at FF though, so extra laundry would be in the offing and an even bulkier gym bag.

Oh and I have a weird sense of loyalty to the Virgin and to the PT, I don't even work out with anymore. I think she'd like it if I stayed at Virgin, but I never see her these days anyway.

On the other hand, there is a Fitness First quite close to where I live, so I might use that at the weekends, where as getting to a Virgin gym on a weekend is a bit more troublesome.

I don't really know what to do.

Stay at Virgin and make the effort to go regularly again.
or... cancel Virgin and join Fitness First and see if that works out better, despite the loss of the pool/towel benefits.
or... No gym. Cancel the membership and try and exercise in my own time with walking or some other activities.

Also, is this interesting blog material? Probably not. Just for the record - I'm thinking Number 1.

This did make me chuckle.

2009-06-03T16:19:00.003+01:00

if you want more lol cats you know where to go - just look for the cheezburgers ....

Blue Skies on a Tuesday

2009-06-02T13:46:00.002+01:00

Oh Hai,

It seems odd that I haven't blogged since this time last week and I kept meaning to, but it has been a really quiet week and other than overdosing on BGT, I've achieved very little. Not that enjoying the guilty pleasure that is BGT is any achievement. So, in brief, I've acheived nothing. OK? Happy Now?

My Sprogs goes to Italy tomorrow. Have fun there Sprogs and you take good care of yourself and don't eat too much lasagne. She has taken herself down to sunny Croydon to stay with her parentals tonight before flying from Gatwick tomorrow. As a result I'm off to WW alone this evening. I'm having the same traumatic expectations as I had last week, except last week there was a surprise last minute weight loss. Trust me: surprises like that don't happen two weeks in a row! I think I may have ballooned.

The week though: I haven't gigged, I haven't found (or even looked for) a new job, I haven't dated (or had any random overnight romances). It really has been a quiet week. There are a few highlights:

Had Fambly day in Brighton on Saturday. My niece is walking now. Yay for her. Oh, does that smack of bitterness? No, she was very cute and her toddling is divine! We went to a place callled Zizzi for late lunch and I had their Rustica pizza, which is huge. Yum Yum. Well the pizza wasn't that fantastic, but it was pizza and it was huge. Both of which I'm in favour of. I had a Twister as we walked along by the Brighton sea front. Only 85 calories in a Twister. Yum again... I didn't go in the sea though. Somehow a trip to the sea-side isn't complete without a paddle or a swim.

I got bitten by a ferret on Sunday. Actually the ferrets were very sweet and the biting was a bit of a shock, but handling them was still a highlight. We get so little animal interaction in our volunteer role at the zoo, that you takes your thrills where you can find them. Thankfully, I didn't panic, when his little teeth latched onto that bit of flesh on your hand between thumb and forefinger. I was putting him down just as it happened and although he was reluctant to let go, even once on the ground, he didn't break the skin, so I like to think he was only playing.

A little tickle under the chin or some other distraction meant he did let go after a few seconds and I was a little more cautious with them after that, but still happy to pick the little fellas up and show them to the public, which is why we there really... I am quite a confident ferret handler and that was only my second time. Must be all the practice with hamsters and rabbits as a teenager and kitties my whole life. Show them you're in charge and they are happy as larry. (Apart from the one nip, we all had a whale of a time. At least it was me that was bitten and not some little kiddy) Ferrets are smelly and dirty, but still cute and cuddly. How does that work? Or am I just a complete nitwit about all God's little creatures?

Chris suggested we had lunch in the Park today. I had a salad box from the local cafe and we had half hour in the sun on a bench. It was lovely. Shame everyone keeps saying the weather is due to change.

Look out for that oh so over due over achievement this week. I'm gigging tonight (Well going to the Comedy Car Crash) and I have all sorts of smashing stuff planned for the weekend. *ahem* Jo rushes to make smashing weekend plans, to give this blog some kind of purpose for a change.

I was told to keep this blog. Unleash your creativity I was told. These last few weeks, it just serves to remind me how fricking dull I can be.

Oh, just remembered the little birdy I rescued from my bedroom on Saturday morning. It was 5.30 am and I'd just fed the kitties, (Early Brekkie wake up calls.) so they were in the kitchen, when I heard this weird little scratching. I realised I'd heard the noise earlier too, but now both kitties were accounted for and out of the room, so it wasn't them arsing about, as I'd previously assumed.

I looked around a bit and hidden inside a crown of golden (cardboard) that I had made once for fancy dress, was a little brown birdy. It was nestled on a green felt pixie hat, that I'd made for Oxfam Stewarding pixie duties last year, that was under/inside the crown. Fancy that... a little birdy making a little fortress from my fancy dress headwear stack. Well, I rescued that birdy. I threw a teatowel over it's little crown/pixie hat hiding place, so as not to panic birdy when I moved it and I took the whole lot outside. When I lifted up the tea towel and the crown the little birdy flew away and up into a tree. I went back to bed, slightly weirded out at how long the little birdy had been in my room, but glad I'd been able to rescue it.

I threw the pixie hat and the crown away. They had bird shit on them.

OK maybe I'll do some work or have a cuppa or find something else incredibly important to do now. Did someone say Frappuccino? Why not indeed :) Laterz.

Tuesday Blues.

2009-05-26T17:14:00.005+01:00

It is WW tonight. I'm expecting more disappointing news. grrrrrr. OK, so I could have tried harder with the point counting and the being more active and drinking less booze and eating less burgers. I could have tried. I should have tried. Ah f*ck it, who really cares.

Perhaps I'm approaching this all wrong, but I think my life had enough disappointment in it without adding to my problems with fat club. I think Sproglet will be going it alone before long. God I can't let my Sprogs down. I did join for a reason. I do have spare poundage that I should be trying more to shift. But, while I'm on the subject of Sproggles...

I'd like to thank my special Becki Sprogs for being a sweetie and coming over to drag me out of myself and out of the pit (flat) for a walk around Leyton Shallow Ponds yesterday. We ate healthy snacks before we went and only had one pint of Guiness after two laps of the "lake".

Then we had dinner together as well (only 7 points) and watched soaps and Britain's Got Talent. I liked yesterday best out of all the days this b/h weekend.

We are going to a birthday do after WW. In the pub. Ha ha ha ha. Yay the pub ... Hooray for booze. Long live chubby drunks.

Christ on a bike, could I sound any more like Bridget sodding Jones. I will endeavour at some stage this week to get a freaking life. OK, maybe not this exact week, but at some stage in the near future. A life full of success and fancy parties. A life full of safe sex, prescription drugs and middle of the road rock and roll. Sorry reader, it can't always be award winning comedy. Hang on Bridge Jonesy probably was award winning comedy. I like her. She wears big knickers. Get over that!

Adventures of Oglet and MacEvoy

2009-05-24T15:08:00.008+01:00

It would be incriminating and fool hardy to say when, where or how this all happened, but Uncle Barry (yes you saw him first as my online stalker...) well, Barry and I had reason to wind up spending a funny sunny day together very recently and these were a few images that came about as a result of that day.

You see, not entirely irresponsible - the first section of the day was spent doing a few personal administration tasks and errands around and about in the Walthamstow area. We went and found out about MOT's for my car (mine expired some 10 days ago now). This shot was taken just along the road from the MOT place where Barry found himself strangely allured by the tickle of the silver berch.

Then onto the Vet surgery where I had to buy some special low fat cat food for portly cats. I go to Goddard Vets. This obviously reminded Barry of the link to our well known Goddard, or Oddard as he is fondly known. Here is Barry next to the sign at the vets. Barry nearly did himself a mischief for the sake of this pic and it was a close run thing that he didn't end up face down in the near by wheelie bins.

By means of self congratulation at such an industrious first half of the day we took ourselves off out for a drink or three later on. We sat in the sun and had lovely long chats about this and that and realised we had a lot going for us Barry and I. See how happy we are together. Would a MacEvoy-Oglet union be such a terrible idea?

Thanks Barry for a lovely day out. I promised pictures, but most of what happened that day will remain Barry and I's special times, so I've gone easy on the detail.

Watching The Weight Gain.

2009-05-20T11:39:00.002+01:00

For those of you who were terrified that I'd join WW and waste away to nothing. Panic not. I had put on half a pound at the dreaded weigh in last night.

See, I told you I had a lovely time at the Ritz and in Bath. The proof really is in the pudding :)

I AM GETTING BACK ON TRACK THIS WEEK. I AM GETTING BACK ON TRACK THIS WEEK. mmmm WW Mantras.... I'll be counting my points and going gymmy and drinking less. Ha ha, ok I probably won't be drinking loads less, but I'll try to drink a tiny bit less and not get so twatted that I have to eat tons of post booze junk food, so compounding my alcohol related calorie issues.

Sproglet has lost eight pounds in two weeks! WHAT A SUPER STAR... I must try harder!!!

Where did Uncle Barry go?

2009-05-18T16:59:00.005+01:00

He never writes, he never calls. Its mysterious. It truly is! I bet he is busy with some important science stuff or some business venture or other.

In other matters.

Mum's Birthday...

Following on from the visit to the Ritz, there was the family jolly to Bath at the weekend... I feel it fairly safe to say myself and everyone in the family had a super time. It was lush. Sorry I didn't take any photos. Well one, where my Dad, my Bro and the baby are all admiring some ducks, but it isn't really that good. I ate like food was going out of fashion and it was just a generally lovely weekend.

We spent Saturday at Stourhead, a National Trust Property. Yeah, I yawned at the thought too, but it was actually pretty lovely and we were reasonably lucky with the weather. The rain held off for us to have a good old mooch about the beautiful grounds and lake and the place was in full bloom. The air was heavy with the scent of the various big flowery bushes. There was even a grotto and a "nymph of the grot." I liked that, it sounded like the type of nymph I'd be.

Saw a bit of Bath on Friday afternoon/Sunday morning, but it was mostly just about nice meals and good company. Turns out my family aren't that bad after all.

Comedy this week...

I'm doing a Pete Park Walker gig in Archway tonight. I notice a strange eerie silence from other comics about the evening and it is questionable as to whether or not there will be an audience. PPW is such a nice bloke that I still feel keen to support him in his comedy exploits, but if tonight is a shambles, I may be giving future nights a bit more of a wide berth. I'm struggling with the such a nice bloke concept even if it might be that he isn't cut out for comedy promotion. Hmmm.

On Wednesday, I'm at the Green Man in Fitzrovia for a Get Happy gig. These gigs are usually very nice, but last time I went to a Wednesday one in Fitzrovia (just to watch) it was called off, again due to lack of audience. (Even good gigs get pulled sometimes.) The only audiences were Sprogs and I then! Hopefully that won't be the case this time. I can highly recommend this cheery fun comedy night, if anyone is floating around the Goodge Street area.

Fat club tomorrow.

Aaaaah, Not expecting good news. I have lived the life of a merry fat person pretty much every day since last Tuesday's meeting and expect the weigh in to confirm that! As of Wednesday this week, I will endeavour to embrace the WW way with a bear hug of commitment not yet witnessed by healthy eating specialists in the modern world. I might start keeping the tracker and counting points again - at the very least! Maybe I'll have a salad or something before going to the pub.

I'm off now. Time to finish a few work type bits before heading to sunny Archway. Fun, fun fun!!

Rod Stewart

2009-05-14T23:58:00.002+01:00

I saw Rod Stewart having tea at the Ritz. Yeah, me and the Rodster like that *crosses fingers in gesture of familiarity* Actually, I was the first of twelve in our group (big fambly celebration of momentus birthday for Mumma) to say Rod just walked in. Nobody believed me and when I doubted my own sighting and saw a lookylikey, but not Rod in Rod's group from across the Palm Court, I said oh no, maybe not.

A bit later after we'd over indulged in crustless sandwiches and delicious tiny cakes, I was sent by the birthday girl, My Mum after my 'Sister in Law to be' to help nappy change smelly bummed Niece. Hastily following the nappy change pair, I checked across the room and I saw Rod really was there after all. I tripped down the last of three stairs into the lobby in my excitement. Yes, in full view of everyone enjoying their tea. Get over it, it was only a little trip!! I almost wish I'd done a TJ Hooker style roll across the Ritz floor. When we returned with fresh nappy niece and confirmed our Rod sighting, all twelve people started shifting into eyeline and staring un-necessarily in his direction. Shame!!

It is cool though. My Dad is a huge Rod fan. I was so chuffed to have been the first to notice his old time all time Rock Idol :o).

Tomorrow the celebrations continue with a weekend in Bath. It is Mummy's 60th, so she is properly milking it... I have to be up dead early. Blaaaa. Once I've met my parents tomorrow before 10 am, I might relax for the first time this week.

Gig tonight cancelled. No one there. Again. I have put a curse on The Long Room it seems. Sorry Long Room. Hope curse lifts soon. I'll do my voodoo chants nightly.