Comedy - You win some, you lose some...

Voice of Doom...

Oh, Oggers, you aren't still persisting with that silly comedy idea of yours are you? How long has that been now? Going on towards two years? Are you getting paid yet? Still just the one gig a week is it? Ha ha ha ha, you could make a joke out of that, couldn't you???

Voice of a tiny mouse... (me)

Err, No. Not paid as such and well kind of yeah, its about 19 months and I'm still keeping a hand in... You know... not gigging as much as I should. It is just, I do quite enjoy it and even though I don't work hard enough at it and I sometimes go on stage not very well prepared... the audience quite often appear to enjoy it too and I'm not doing anyone any real harm am I? Anyway Doomy Doomster, why don't you go fuck yourself?? Up your big doomy gloomy bum-hole. *Squeaks and runs back to mouse hole for large portion of non WW comfort cheese*

Oh sorry, those inner monologues again. Where were we...?

Ha, that would make a good pixar movie, like Ratatouille, but the mouse is a stand-up? Did someone make that already? If not, it could be a girl mouse, with the voice of me... Oh yeah.

Should I crack on???

I did two gigs last week. Number 70 and 71, for the number crunchers out there...

The first was my Laughing Horse Heat on Monday. I didn't make it through to the next round. I was gutted. Should I be toughing it out and saying, it really doesn't matter? It does a bit. If 16 acts compete against each other and you don't even get into the top 6, it isn't all that encouraging. I think I did a pretty good set, in a big crowded room, where I could see and hear the appreciation right to the back, so it wasn't a total disaster. Looking back on it, yeah, fair do's - I wasn't as strong as some of the other acts, but we can go round in circles here.

Reading Norm's blog, you might get the impression that the whole evening was a collection of scarcely thought through observational comedy that could drive even the most considerate audience to get out their PSP's, iphones, blackberries, gameboys and discmans, if they still had such devices... You might wonder how the judges even picked 6 acts to go through. I said after the event and even while munching on my sour grapes, it was a good night of comedy, spoilt only (for me at least) by bringing in the element of judging. Other friends who have been to a few of these things have assured me it was a very tough heat. Of course that is exactly the kind of thing I'd say to make a complete loser feel better.

I hadn't really expected to get through. I'm sure there are life coaches and NLP pushers out there that would say that kind of attitude won't get me anywhere. I hadn't though, but it was still disappointing. Either way, going in circles again. Sour grapes and knocks to confidence is what competitions are made of, apart from - you know - for the successful ones and ultimately for the winners... Well, good for them!

I was almost too embarrassed to leave the house come Tuesday, but leave the house I did and as you know - tiny victories - I had lost 2lb at WW. "Weight Watchers - When being a loser makes you a winner..."

I'm on fire here, Movie Proposals, Advertising Slogans. This is it people, as good as it gets...

And breathe and relax and back to last week...

Come Wednesday, it was off to Desperately Seeking Stagetime. The question on everybody's lips. Where was Norm? Maybe not everyone's lips. Sorry Norm. Conclusion: He was probably doing a paid fifteen somewhere.

First 12 acts to arrive, get 5 minutes, anyone signing up after that, gets 3. I got there early enough to do five minutes and when the time came, hoping to play around with a few new ideas, I got stuck after only half my time. After which, I told one segment of my brother set and then offered up my last minute to someone with only a three minute spot if they bought me half a shandy. I never got that half a shandy and to the best of my knowledge, all the three spots just stuck to three...

Even though I only managed 4 minutes. The night was made of win in several ways:

I walked from work to the gig, without getting lost and still arrived relatively early. (about a 50 minute walk.)

I didn't get drunk and I didn't take my beer on stage either.

I ad-libbed and got laughs and felt love and warmth from the audience (of comics).

I didn't smoke.

I was not the last person in the pub.

I made the tube home.

I didn't eat take away.

So. There you have it: You don't have to be a Laughing Horse quarter finalist to be a winner, although yeah fair enough - it would have helped.

Next week at gig 72. I'll be breaking one of Keith Palmer's golden comedy rules: Don't agree to do your comedy at a non comedy night. I've been invited to Tooting of all places. Yes, Tooting in South London *spits* to do five or ten at a bands night. A potential disaster? Yes completely, but I do have a certain weakness for musicians and as such, I couldn't resist. Wish me luck ;o)

My smoking career and how I’m trying for early retirement

I’ve been wondering for some time if smoking really is big or indeed clever. Perhaps it is because I just can’t be sure about this important point, that I have been a smoker / serial quitter for most of my adult life.

A bit about the history…

In fact, I think I tried my first ever ciggie about the age of 13. It happened with a Girl Guide pal of mine of all times and places to start…. Old Baden-Powell would be turning in his grave! I wasn’t a particularly adventurous or rebellious teenager and having my first cigarette at such a young age sort of stands out in that respect.

I don’t think I got into the full swing of smoking until later in my teens and even then it was fairly infrequent… having one on the way home from school every now and again was probably the sum total of my involvement, followed by a good squirt of ‘Impulse’ and half a tube of Polos.

It must have been quite a gruesome sight to any passers by: I bet I looked a proper little urchin puffing on a Silk Cut in my school uniform, which would usually wear out before I ever had a chance to “grow into it”. Well they do stay smoking stunts growth.

Through Sixth form college and University, I was an on and off smoker, probably more on than off, I’ve blocked out the details. It was always at the back of my mind to stop and every so often, I’d give up for a while, usually just going cold turkey seemed to work.

When stopping is easy – so is starting again though…

What is the harm of having a quick cig when you are out on the town and having one of those intense and unpleasant booze fuelled cravings? Why ruin a good night out, because you are suddenly obsessed with the thought of having a smoke? You’ve barely spoken to a soul in half an hour… Why not have the ciggie and get back to having fun? Cool, that makes sense, I’ll quit again, if and when I get to that stage of needing a cig before my breakfast…

I’ve never been what I would call a very heavy smoker. Sometimes a big night out might take me to 20 plus a day, but usually I have kept things within reasonable control. I’d smoke between five to ten a day and that has never seemed too bad, even when you do wake up most mornings with a chest full of phlegm and notice your skin appears quite grey again.

My best stop attempt was when I got hypnotised. Controversial I know, but I stopped then for over 18 months and it did feel good. That was back in 2004. The hypnotist was recommended by a friend and located in Harley Street. Her name is Susan Hepburn if hypnotism interests you… She doesn’t just do smoking cessation.

There again, when temptation struck 18 months later, I didn’t think, I’ve lasted this long, why risk starting again? I thought I’ve quit once and stayed off it for ages, I can do that any time.

I’ve managed as a social smoker for a while after several quit attempts, but social smokers usually end up finding more and more reasons to be social until they become borderline alcoholics and then have to admit that they need a cig at other times too, when booze simply isn’t available.

So why now to try and stop?

My Mum had a close friend that died last year of lung cancer and she found that deeply upsetting. The friend was only in her fifties.

Did this make me want to stop? Not really and I’d even go as far as to say that the emotional blackmail that my Mum seemed to muster up in relation to me ever smoking again, sort of had the opposite effect. I thought I’m not that friend. I don’t smoke nearly as much as she did and other mature thoughts such as ‘get off my case’…

What this means now is that my smoking is never spoken about when I’m at home with Mum and Dad. I like to think they don’t know I’ve still been smoking. If they have an inkling, I think they would rather not have to think about it. I never smoke when I’m around them and that is sometimes for several days at a time, but for that situation, not smoking is the norm and it is usually quite bearable.

I will admit one thing. I don’t want to die young of a smoking related disease. I do realise that can happen. However much I try and kid myself that it would never happen to me. I imagine it is hideous and painful and traumatic. The real reason I don’t want to die that way is less to do with the pain and trauma and more to do with my Mum being heartbroken, but also very disappointed with me all at the same time. Breaking my Mum's heart is bad enough, but I think I’m more scared of her disappointment.

Even when all of the above emotional carry on doesn’t actually stop me, we come back to why now and we find my reasons somewhat trivial by comparison…

While I’m trying to sell my flat I’m basically inviting strangers into my home at all kinds of short notice and I feel quite ashamed when it stinks of cigarette smoke. You can mop up the ash around the ashtray and hide the evidence, but that smell sure does linger.

There that is it. That is my main motivation for stopping now.

I was hoping my doctor would prescribe this ‘magic’ new drug that worked for two friends of mine called Champix. They do something in your brain that affects the nicotine receptors. My doctor wouldn’t prescribe it to me. It is quite expensive. She didn’t say no really, but she did say that in order to get the drug, I would need to attend the smoking cessation service on a Thursday evening in Leyton. I would go through that process, discuss all the options there and if they agreed to me taking Champix, get a letter from them to take back to my GP for her to write the actual prescription. Simple right? Not really. I didn’t think so anyway.

Is this the same NHS service with ambitious targets to help people quit?

I went back to my friend who had quit using Champix and grumbled about the unhelpful processes imposed by Waltham Forest NHS and she said – Here, I still have lots of Champix left over, from when I stopped, you can take mine.

Did I think twice about taking mind bending drugs prescribed to a friend? Of course I did, but I still said yes.

Here are just a few of the possible side effects: Vomitting and nausea, Headaches, Sleep disturbances and atypical dreams, Gas (wind), Changes in the way food tastes (Dysgeusia), Constipation, Suicidal thoughts.

Yep, they threw suicidal thoughts in there just for good measure. Still anything is worth a try for a fresh scented flat. Perhaps I’ll just get a new can of Oust??

It is recommended that you take Champix for 12 weeks and set your quit date for a week or two after you begin your course of treatment. I only have about seven week’s supply, but both friends that have stopped, say they didn’t stay on the drugs much longer than a month or so. One pal has been smoke free for two years now, so I should be fairly safe after seven weeks.

I started taking Champix on Monday 18th Jan (yes readers, the day before I began Weight Watchers) and I had my last cigarette on Thursday 21st Jan. At that point, I made the decision not to buy any more cigs and see how long I lasted. I wouldn’t say it was magic, there does still come a time where you have to tell yourself not to smoke anymore and it takes a bit of will and determination, but I can honestly say I have had very few cravings. As for the side effects, I’ve noticed some changes in myself, but nothing unbearable.

Before I started this treatment, I felt pretty low anyway (remember the New Year low points?) so suicidal thoughts I was fairly sure I could handle. I have to say, I've probably felt better since I started taking Champix. The two are not necessarily connected. I have had a few loopy days, but I quite enjoyed those. One day springs to mind, when I did nothing but email Becki babbling nonsense all day, but it was positive babble and I hope for the most part quite funny.

Overall it seems to be going ok. 20 years as a serial quitter means I’ve learnt to never say never, but for the time being I’m pleased I'm not smoking. I still have to put myself in a few more high risk situations to tell if I can stick with it, but I’ll cross those bridges when I get to them.

I’ve been out socially three or four times without smoking and it still feels odd to not go outside with the cool gang, the big clever kids. I think I can cope with not being big or clever for now. In this weather being able to stay snuggled in the warm for a whole evening is actually quite a treat. Who knew?

And oh yeah, the flat already smells better. Cat poop does smell better than cigarette smoke right?

Soz, this was only meant to be a short post. It has turned into a monster. Love, hugs and happy weekends x

DIET BLOG

No, sozzles. I'm not going to start a separate diet blog. I'm just going to write about it here. This is a posting about diets. I don't only write about diets, but I am now. If you don't like talking about or reading about diets, I'd skip along... There - You have been warned.

I started Weight Watchers (AGAIN) on Tuesday 19th January. If you've been following this blog a while you will know that Sprogs and I tried WW last year. Sprogs really took to it and did very well. I did not!

So I went back. Shame faced and tail between my legs...Do you want to know my weight? OK then, but I'll whisper it and please don't tell anyone. I weighed 11 stone 2lbs. I know I was full on shockerooed too. Well not that shocked, but I had hoped my bathroom scales had been a bit more out of kilter than they might be.

Here are a list of things I haven't eaten since 19th January.

Chocolate

Cake

Crisps

Chips

(loads of good stuff beginning with C in fact...)

Take Away

Sweets other than WW sugar free or low sugar sweets.

Any pudding really apart from low fat yogurt.

You can include all of the above on a WW plan. There is nothing you can't have. As long as you stay within your daily points allowance. Most of the above will make that a bit more difficult to do, so I just haven't been eating them.

I have continued to drink alcohol. What? You want me to stop breathing too?

I am tracking my points online and trying to stick to the plan as best I can, which has meant, as it happens, lowering my alcohol in take. *gasps* I am replacing some, but not all of my beer with vodka and diet coke and generally drinking less and behaving more soberly. It is quite strange, but once I get used to it, I might quite like it!? Last night was the first night I went on stage without my beer in a long time. I think I coped ok.

You see, I am determined to get thin. Well, I'm determined to become much slimmer than I am right now. I'm aiming at something in the region of 9 stones, 9lbs, but when I get there, that may or may not be enough. We shall see. At least then I'll be in what the Health Nerds like to call 'Healthy Weight Range'. We are all different and perhaps the Health Nerds should get a life, but anyway that is what I'm aiming for.

At my second weigh in, this Tuesday. I was 11 stones. Yes, that is 2lbs off. My current diet buddy Lucy lost 3.5lbs in her first week, so 2lbs was good, but a tiny bit disappointing. I'm not too disappointed. I want to carry on with the plan and see if I can go all the way to a slim new me.

In my first week, I didn't do a lot of activity, so I'm trying to walk more places this week. I've done two walks so far, of an hour each. So, I'm hoping that will help this week's loss too.

I've cooked from scratch twice too. A big vat of soup and a big vat of pasta sauce, which are a very similar recipe, so I may need to change the soup next time to not get bored. Both of those contain loads of fresh veg and are very low in points.

Lucy went to get her hair cut last night. I asked her how it looks. She said "much better, but it would look even better if I were thin." Ha, funny how us dieters think things will be better once we are 'thin'. My response, quite randomly, was: "When I'm thin, I'm going to be a right slag." Yes, I said that. *ahem, Hello Mum, who gave you my blog address?* No, I don't think my Mum has my blog address. I bloody hope not.

I guess to clarify. Your size decreases and your confidence increases. (This isn't the case for everyone. Go Big Sexy Girls. Good luck to you. It isn't what I want for myself and I don't feel sexy right now.) When your confidence increases, that in itself is attractive to the boys and Hello Boys... Here I come. Ha ha. I won't be a total slag. It is just nice when you get a little bit of attention hey? No? Just me then.

What do you think of one posting, one topic? It is a new approach. Revolutionary. I have other topics up my sleeve... Comedy (of course) Knitting (but I'll keep that brief) Smoking (I'll probably keep that brief too, just in case Mum is on to me) Politics. (No, just kidding ;-)) More later, I'd best crack back on with some work. Cheers for now x

Some things never change.

Not around here anyway (on this particular blog)...

Soon. Promise. Soon, I'll tell you about getting a new estate agents, trying to quit the evil weed and plans to lose weight. I'll talk about comedy and knitting too, probably.

Not now though. Soz.

Happy New Year ?

I hope everyone has been having a happy new year and if not (like me) I hope it gets better soon.

Nothing bad has happened to me so far in 2010, but not much good has been happening... It is all a matter of perspective I guess. My POV has been marred by a bout of glum moods, weepy moments and generally feeling sorry for myself. And No, before you ask, I haven't got a good reason. So soz!

Ogden Family Christmas was lovely. Just my Mum, Dad and I on Christmas Day, but we had present exchange and a delicious Christmas meal as you'd expect. More of the Ogden rotters including mini Oglet niecey rotter turned up on Boxing Day to liven up proceedings. She is very cute, but getting more and more willful as she approaches her terrible twos. It is all about the little children - Christmas Time - and she seemed to be having plenty of fun. So that was really lovely. She calls me JoJo and because I pretty much let her get away with anything, she has taken quite a shine to me. I have been told I need to work on my repertoire of Disney songs though as 4 lines of Akuna Matata is wearing thin. If you look up the lyrics, there are only about 4 lines though... and some spoken bits between Timone and Pumba. I'm doing my best...

Once Crimbo was done and dusted, I had my lovely pal Viccy to stay for 3 days between Christmas and New Year and we had a fab time. We went to the theatre, we went to an art exhibition, we had a night at Party Piece and we went to the movies. A veritable feast of entertainment and fun.

NYE was lovely with Sprogs and Rachey. We had a massive dinner before heading to The Rose and Crown to see in 2010. Becki and I had eaten too much and couldn't drink as quickly as the occasion demanded, but we managed to get reasonably merry by the end of proceedings.

By New Years Day, after so much fun packed socialising I was looking forward to chilling out alone and that is when my glum mood booted me in the face and knocked me for six for a good few days. I'm fairly sure I'm over the worst, only now the cold is making me a bit grumpy instead.

I'm sure we'll all have a great 2010. Or maybe 2010 will be a mixed bag of fun and not fun. Maybe it will be a stonking great pile of shite, but one way or another, there is no point getting in a tizzy about what it may or may not bring.

I am off to Crouch End tonight for a gig at the King's Head. It is very cold, roads and pavements are icey and dangerous and I'm mostly hoping just to get there without seriously injuring myself.

Norm, I haven't got last year's diary to check, but I believe this is gig 67. What are you up to? I'm aiming for 100 by summer ;o)

No time to read through/spell check/triple edit this for niceness. I'm off lads x