My smoking career and how I’m trying for early retirement

I’ve been wondering for some time if smoking really is big or indeed clever. Perhaps it is because I just can’t be sure about this important point, that I have been a smoker / serial quitter for most of my adult life.

A bit about the history…

In fact, I think I tried my first ever ciggie about the age of 13. It happened with a Girl Guide pal of mine of all times and places to start…. Old Baden-Powell would be turning in his grave! I wasn’t a particularly adventurous or rebellious teenager and having my first cigarette at such a young age sort of stands out in that respect.

I don’t think I got into the full swing of smoking until later in my teens and even then it was fairly infrequent… having one on the way home from school every now and again was probably the sum total of my involvement, followed by a good squirt of ‘Impulse’ and half a tube of Polos.

It must have been quite a gruesome sight to any passers by: I bet I looked a proper little urchin puffing on a Silk Cut in my school uniform, which would usually wear out before I ever had a chance to “grow into it”. Well they do stay smoking stunts growth.

Through Sixth form college and University, I was an on and off smoker, probably more on than off, I’ve blocked out the details. It was always at the back of my mind to stop and every so often, I’d give up for a while, usually just going cold turkey seemed to work.

When stopping is easy – so is starting again though…

What is the harm of having a quick cig when you are out on the town and having one of those intense and unpleasant booze fuelled cravings? Why ruin a good night out, because you are suddenly obsessed with the thought of having a smoke? You’ve barely spoken to a soul in half an hour… Why not have the ciggie and get back to having fun? Cool, that makes sense, I’ll quit again, if and when I get to that stage of needing a cig before my breakfast…

I’ve never been what I would call a very heavy smoker. Sometimes a big night out might take me to 20 plus a day, but usually I have kept things within reasonable control. I’d smoke between five to ten a day and that has never seemed too bad, even when you do wake up most mornings with a chest full of phlegm and notice your skin appears quite grey again.

My best stop attempt was when I got hypnotised. Controversial I know, but I stopped then for over 18 months and it did feel good. That was back in 2004. The hypnotist was recommended by a friend and located in Harley Street. Her name is Susan Hepburn if hypnotism interests you… She doesn’t just do smoking cessation.

There again, when temptation struck 18 months later, I didn’t think, I’ve lasted this long, why risk starting again? I thought I’ve quit once and stayed off it for ages, I can do that any time.

I’ve managed as a social smoker for a while after several quit attempts, but social smokers usually end up finding more and more reasons to be social until they become borderline alcoholics and then have to admit that they need a cig at other times too, when booze simply isn’t available.

So why now to try and stop?

My Mum had a close friend that died last year of lung cancer and she found that deeply upsetting. The friend was only in her fifties.

Did this make me want to stop? Not really and I’d even go as far as to say that the emotional blackmail that my Mum seemed to muster up in relation to me ever smoking again, sort of had the opposite effect. I thought I’m not that friend. I don’t smoke nearly as much as she did and other mature thoughts such as ‘get off my case’…

What this means now is that my smoking is never spoken about when I’m at home with Mum and Dad. I like to think they don’t know I’ve still been smoking. If they have an inkling, I think they would rather not have to think about it. I never smoke when I’m around them and that is sometimes for several days at a time, but for that situation, not smoking is the norm and it is usually quite bearable.

I will admit one thing. I don’t want to die young of a smoking related disease. I do realise that can happen. However much I try and kid myself that it would never happen to me. I imagine it is hideous and painful and traumatic. The real reason I don’t want to die that way is less to do with the pain and trauma and more to do with my Mum being heartbroken, but also very disappointed with me all at the same time. Breaking my Mum's heart is bad enough, but I think I’m more scared of her disappointment.

Even when all of the above emotional carry on doesn’t actually stop me, we come back to why now and we find my reasons somewhat trivial by comparison…

While I’m trying to sell my flat I’m basically inviting strangers into my home at all kinds of short notice and I feel quite ashamed when it stinks of cigarette smoke. You can mop up the ash around the ashtray and hide the evidence, but that smell sure does linger.

There that is it. That is my main motivation for stopping now.

I was hoping my doctor would prescribe this ‘magic’ new drug that worked for two friends of mine called Champix. They do something in your brain that affects the nicotine receptors. My doctor wouldn’t prescribe it to me. It is quite expensive. She didn’t say no really, but she did say that in order to get the drug, I would need to attend the smoking cessation service on a Thursday evening in Leyton. I would go through that process, discuss all the options there and if they agreed to me taking Champix, get a letter from them to take back to my GP for her to write the actual prescription. Simple right? Not really. I didn’t think so anyway.

Is this the same NHS service with ambitious targets to help people quit?

I went back to my friend who had quit using Champix and grumbled about the unhelpful processes imposed by Waltham Forest NHS and she said – Here, I still have lots of Champix left over, from when I stopped, you can take mine.

Did I think twice about taking mind bending drugs prescribed to a friend? Of course I did, but I still said yes.

Here are just a few of the possible side effects: Vomitting and nausea, Headaches, Sleep disturbances and atypical dreams, Gas (wind), Changes in the way food tastes (Dysgeusia), Constipation, Suicidal thoughts.

Yep, they threw suicidal thoughts in there just for good measure. Still anything is worth a try for a fresh scented flat. Perhaps I’ll just get a new can of Oust??

It is recommended that you take Champix for 12 weeks and set your quit date for a week or two after you begin your course of treatment. I only have about seven week’s supply, but both friends that have stopped, say they didn’t stay on the drugs much longer than a month or so. One pal has been smoke free for two years now, so I should be fairly safe after seven weeks.

I started taking Champix on Monday 18th Jan (yes readers, the day before I began Weight Watchers) and I had my last cigarette on Thursday 21st Jan. At that point, I made the decision not to buy any more cigs and see how long I lasted. I wouldn’t say it was magic, there does still come a time where you have to tell yourself not to smoke anymore and it takes a bit of will and determination, but I can honestly say I have had very few cravings. As for the side effects, I’ve noticed some changes in myself, but nothing unbearable.

Before I started this treatment, I felt pretty low anyway (remember the New Year low points?) so suicidal thoughts I was fairly sure I could handle. I have to say, I've probably felt better since I started taking Champix. The two are not necessarily connected. I have had a few loopy days, but I quite enjoyed those. One day springs to mind, when I did nothing but email Becki babbling nonsense all day, but it was positive babble and I hope for the most part quite funny.

Overall it seems to be going ok. 20 years as a serial quitter means I’ve learnt to never say never, but for the time being I’m pleased I'm not smoking. I still have to put myself in a few more high risk situations to tell if I can stick with it, but I’ll cross those bridges when I get to them.

I’ve been out socially three or four times without smoking and it still feels odd to not go outside with the cool gang, the big clever kids. I think I can cope with not being big or clever for now. In this weather being able to stay snuggled in the warm for a whole evening is actually quite a treat. Who knew?

And oh yeah, the flat already smells better. Cat poop does smell better than cigarette smoke right?

Soz, this was only meant to be a short post. It has turned into a monster. Love, hugs and happy weekends x