Politics - A Special Limited Edition Election Post

Hold on. Let me explain...

I know you don't come here looking for intelligent political comment. I know you come here for the ramblings of a hapless binge drinker and the occasional allusion to oral sex.

Well just wait one moment, because thanks to the suffragettes I get to vote too. Only - and here is the thing, I'm just going to come right out and say it - I don't understand all this politics stuff and I'm not really sure what to do with my vote. I really think I need to get a handle on this, working in Local Government, there is an underlying expectation that we show a little bit of interest.

So, can you help?

My understanding so far is this:

Things haven't been all that great under our current Labour leadership. There has been them there wars wasting our money, the NHS is poorly, the children are a bit dim, we are in debt and I can't sell my flat. BUT Labour say that wasn't all their fault and they promise to try harder next time. Not unlike Central Estate Agents, the useless toss bags. Central, not Labour. Well...

Sorry, where was I?

I also understand we mustn't vote Tory because they want to close all the donkey sanctuaries and they are planning to do away with Two For Tuesdays at Dominos. David, no one can afford Dominos without Two for Tuesdays... Actually I don't know what the Tories want to do, but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't like it much if I did know about it.

Then ...

You can vote Lib Dem if you want, especially now that man has been on the telly, been good at talking and got himself famous overnight. Yeah him, you can consider him too now, but yellow is such a difficult colour to carry off... and that is why they probably won't win anyway.

Or you can vote for racists or environmentalists and that isn't going to get anyone anywhere is it?

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure we need an election, I think we need Dr Who.

I have joined in one of these twitter trending thingemeejigs to try and immerse myself in the political discussion, but I still don't think it is helping. You say something bad has happened, then say #nickcleggsfault. I think it is meant to be funny. I'm just tweeting my usual tweets, but tagging them anyway in an attempt to lure in followers. If you are reading this blog because of one of those tweets, you are now stuck in a massive internet circular reference and could implode suddenly. Soz.

As for the matter at hand, who to give my vote to...I'm still none the wiser. I think I will check out the local politicians for my area and see who has the nicest eyes... and I'll need to know their intentions towards homeless donkeys as well...

I think I saw a rainbow on the way to the polling station last time, took it as a sign and voted for the gay candidate. I do love the gays. I don't even remember which party he represented. We had better not leave it to chance this time around. What if I'm on the way to the polling station this time and I see a rich person bullying a poor person, I could end up voting Tory by mistake. That is what they stand for right?

If you do have anything more to offer, please feel free to chip in... I'm all ears.

Thanks x

My quest for love continues...

I had an OKCupid date with a man who stated 'rarely' as the frequency that he drinks on his profile last night. I did ask friends/loved ones/most of the interweb if this date was wise, well aware that I enjoy a drinkie considerably more often than rarely. Opinions were mixed. One might say, I was offered a cocktail of advice and after knocking back that cocktail, I decided to give it a go... I like drink, but I don't need it to have fun. *ahem* I DON'T!

We'd arranged to meet for a picnic in Regent's Park after my shift at the zoo. This was his idea and my only reservation was that if it rained, it would be a terrible idea, but it was a lovely day yesterday, so all in all it had potential.

From his pictures, it could have gone either way as to whether I'd be attracted when we met. Let us be honest, you can be selective with the pictures you choose to put online. I know I have been.

You can't tell until you meet someone if that special spark will be there. Hold on while I make up a name for him - John (imagination firing on all cylinders there). John didn't really get me sparking when we met. These things can develop over time, but my over all impression was - this wasn't sparking and was unlikely to be developing...

It isn't for me to say how John felt about me in return, let us give him the benefit of the doubt and say he thought I was a terrible horror.

Still he was keenly clutching his baguette and picnic we must!

We'd arranged to meet when the zoo closed at 5.30. John had texted to say he would be ten minutes late, so by the time we found a suitable spot in the park, it was getting on towards 6pm. Let us remind ourselves, we are still in April. Even on the brightest of days, the heat tends to go out of the sun around that time, so while John folded his leather jacket neatly up beside him and I laid out two of my jumpers for us to sit on/eat from, it was getting chilly already.

Top tip. Inviting someone for a picnic? Bring something to sit on. If not, at least don't be selfish about your jacket! Twat...

John was bringing savouries. I was bringing deserts. Besides his baguette. John had bought philadelphia cheese, some cheddar slices and two types of sliced meat. He said cautiously as he brandished his spicy sausage - "I couldn't remember if you were vegetarian or not." "I am" I said and he put away the salami again. Oh and he had a bag of dried papaya (?) and some cherry tomatoes, plus a bottle of apple juice for drinkies... I don't want to sound like a complete prick for judging his choices too harshly, so I won't. I'll be nice, it was a fairly decent picnic spread. I guess...

I brought a fruit salad (token health gesture), a small profiterole dessert and two fresh strawberry tarts. He remarked on how middle class I was for going to M&S. I don't get that. M&S make nice desserts. I'd made a special trip there during my zoo lunch hour. I'm sure John's corner shop do a fine line in diced papaya, it doesn't give me the right to judge his class. I think perhaps I took that as a challenge as I started swearing more from that point on.

We ate quickly. It got cold even more quickly and not wanting to seem like someone that scoffs then dashes, I suggested... with some degree of caution, we go for a coffee somewhere. Thinking - wouldn't it be lush - if he swerved us towards a pub for half a dozen pints or a nice bottle of pink wine or three...

Twenty minutes of walking later, (past several pubs) we found a Starbucks that was open. One skinny mocha and one hot chocolate later (what sort of man doesn't drink and doesn't like the taste of coffee either?) it was time to say our goodbyes. John was telling me about a comedy night on Tuesday that I might want to check out, but I was non commital as to whether I'd be able to make it.

John wasn't bad company. He had interesting things to talk about like stone masonry and ballroom dancing and his sense of humour wasn't too bad. Unfortunately for most of his jokes, I just said pardon, because he spoke fairly quietly, so that does rather take the edge off of a killer funny line ...having to repeat it. Poor chap.

Right before the date, a friend of mine, Caroline from the London Zoo Sunday A Team remarked how one really important thing for her with a potential partner was hygiene. I agreed, but remarked that perhaps we should take hygiene as a given and set our sights higher.

During our picnic, John told me that he was renovating his house and was between bathrooms. He relied on the pub across the road from where he lived for bathroom faciilties. I noticed a stamp on the back of his hand, presumably from the club he had been to the night before and asked if the pub let him shower there. He laughed and said he had previously been showering at the office he had worked at, but since leaving a fortnight ago to set up his own business, this had not been possible. It was unclear to me how long this bathroom situation had been going on and how long it would take to resolve. I almost choked on the chunk of baguette he had broken me off a few minutes earlier.

Life is a never ending learning experience and it seems even the simple things such as a date who washes cannot be taken for granted.

I'm glad in many respects that it was a dry date. After six to nine pints of strong lager or Guinnes, I can usually find more reasons to sleep with someone than I can after a plastic cup of apple juice and a mocha. Waking up at half past three in the morning, round John's place and dying for a pee before realising all John has to offer me is the kitchen sink or a bucket in the corner would have been far from an ideal end to a chilly picnic in the park.

Onwards and upwards as they say...

I got this message on OKCupid today: "Please don`t think of me as shallow but i think you are incredibly beautiful. If your personality matches you must surely be a dream come true. no its not just a cheesey and bad atempt to chat you up. I like to say what i think. Yes i do some times put my foot in it."

I think this person not only sounds shallow and cheesey, I think he sounds like a complete liar. He has an even sketchier grasp on grammar than I have. I'll ask if he washes regularly and see where we go from there...

Formal Apology

It appears my blog (and certain other areas of my life) have been hacked by a drunken harlot.

Sperm!? Absolutely disgusting.
Saggy Dog Nipples!? I'm horrified.

And worst of all...

Skinny Jeans!? The very idea is simply appalling.

Please accept my most sincere apologies.

Normal service will resume forthwith.

GIG REPORTS - YOU LOVE THEM YOU SLAGS!

Yes, I've been taking the sperm story out to the people... Gig 83 and 84 took place in Derby and London respectively...

I do worry that I'll get myself a reputation, talking publicly about sperm, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing. Who doesn't love a cum guzzler?* Oh goodness no. Am I just making this worse? Things are really getting out of hand now. It could take me weeks, no months, years even to rebuild my flawless 'pure as the driven snow' reputation. I'm sorry if I have caused unnecessary offence.

*Mum (and all other family members) I do hope you aren't reading this and I don't want you to think of me that way. It couldn't be further from the truth and is all based on a simple misunderstanding...

Oh Gosh, Moving Swiftly on...

I've had two lovely gigs this week. Norm, Giada Garofalo and I went up to Derby on Monday. My fourth ever Spikey Mike Gong Show and as I'd been gonged off at three minutes and two minutes respectively at the last couple, I didn't hold out much hope of surviving the five on Monday. Well - I surprised everyone including myself, by having a lovely old time and surviving the gong to do an entire five minutes. It doesn't sound much, but it means something to me, so there.

Giada and I had this quite tricky moment where we got stuck at the bottom of the stairs as a load of audience were coming down at the last interval of the night and it looked just like we were there to lap up praise... We weren't - honest. Just as well we were there - as it happened one passing audience actually high fived me and said - "oooooh we loved you, I said to my mate, she is just like us." Her mate looked a little non plussed by all this. Anyway, they looked like a lovely couple of girls. They had, how to best say this? They had a very friendly easy to get along with air about them (slags) and I was delighted to be considered one of their own... Well I was delighted that they liked my set.

Unfortunately Giada and Norm both got gonged off at three and a half minutes, but that is how it goes sometimes. I know from experience that it can be a bit disheartening, but neither of them seemed too troubled by it and overall it was a nice night out and another Road Trip Win.

Last night was gig 84. Desperately Seeking Stagetime. I've been to this gig a lot lately and rate it as one of my favourite open mic nights. There was a bit of a problem last night as quite a few audience and comics left early. It started all nice and busy and by the time I went on (second to last) ... It had emptied right out. Anyway, one must plough on... They know who they are... The leave early snides...

Last night, there was a huge picture of a Dog Trust dog and acts were encouraged to come up with a dog joke. I'm not really one for jokes, (tricky as a comedian) but I did want to talk about the dog because you could see her nipples. She had obviously had pups at some stage...

Bearing in mind I was a bit drunk I said something far more slurred and much less concise, but along the lines of - "I feel really bad for her. Look at her little sad face. Just because she has saggy nipples, doesn't mean she won't make someone a loving companion. - hmmmm, I might put that on my OKCupid profile."

It is a shame that was probably one of those one off never again comedy moments, because I could eek out a good few minutes about how the little doggy had been around the block and what else she and me might have in common.

On last was Adam Larter. I like him, he is very funny. It was his doggy picture too...

I got my performance recorded on my snazzy new video recorder... but may choose not to post it up here or on youtube. I haven't even had the courage to look at the recording yet and it may not help with the whole spermgate situation...

Need another POV on the gigs described here? Try 'Norm' from my 'friends who blog' section. A hyperlink here in the text? That would be handy wouldn't it. No, don't want to.

The skinny jeans are going ok thanks. They do take some getting used to.

The dating is a mixed bag and my most profound apologies for not updating you better on that front. I know you all got excited when I kicked that off. I just can't be bothered to explain it all if truth be told. Oh, I feel bad now for not sharing. Or do I? Nah, not really.

Oh, I booked a gig for the day of my birthday too... It will be a "Get Happy" Birthday on the 7th July this year. Lovely, lovely, lovely... Be there or be square...

Do you follow me on Twitter? Would you like to? To be fair, it is a lot of very similar stuff to this, but in bite size easy to digest niblets - my username is Oggers76 and you don't get the full url or link for that either.

Cheers x

Gig 82

Well I see I haven't topped you up on Oglet waffle for nearly a week. This abandonment must stop. Is it time for a quick update? OK, since you ask so nicely...

I went to Party Piece last night. It had been almost 3 weeks since my last gig. *please read that to yourself in the voice of a hopeless addict. Hopeless indeed - I can't even be addicted properly.

Shock on. No wonder I've been a bit down in the dumps. I wither away to almost nothing without the meaningless acknowledgment of strangers.

Well not literally wither away to nothing. Actually in the last 3 weeks, I've put on 6.5 lbs. What one might call AN EPIC DIET FAIL.

So, it turns out that sitting around on the sofa, feeling sorry for myself and calling Dominos when I have no healthy food in the fridge isn't good for me. Who knew? Actually I've been out drinking and feeling sorry for myself quite a lot too. Shucks. I think I have serious talent for putting on weight, I'm not playing to my strengths with this WW melarchy.

So... right ... the gig... I had done a bit of preparation on my anecdote about taking my niece to the zoo for the Amused Moose Qualifier on Monday. Then on Monday, I decided to stay on the sofa instead of brave the competition. Well, I thought I could put the prep to use at Party Piece last night, but when it came to it, I forgot most of what I'd written and had to manage on a wing and a prayer and just ramble through the story as best I could.

I told the sperm story too, which didn't exactly reach it's full comedy potential. It was alright, but I think with a bit of effort it will go down better. Yes, pun intended. groan. Soz!

Weight Watchers was before the gig and Lucy (all round lovely chick and 2010 WW buddy) came with me to PP too.

George Ryegold was on the bill last night. I whispered to Lucy that she would like GR and sure as poop pongs, she did like him: A lot. She said it was the funniest thing she had seen in a very long time and I had a little proud for introducing her to the joys of GR.

After all the comedy fun had ended, GR said to me at the bar that he had enjoyed my set and liked me better each time he saw me. (I think possibly all of twice now...) Him saying that meant a lot to me and I had a second little proud. He did hint that I might try and add in some funny lines. I'm paraphrasing. he might have said 'more funny lines'. Ha, a mere technicality... who does he think he is anyway?

I introduced Toby (GR's other name) to Lucy after, so that she could return the compliments on my behalf. She did so very well. She was all over that compliment shit. It was lush, we all had a nice chat and drank Guinness until much later than we should have done and by the time Lucy and I left there, we decided it was best not to hang around waiting for night busses, we'd get cabs home.

We took separate cabs because we live in opposite directions (clever hey?) My one was 11 pounds. That doesn't seem too bad to me. You know, it seems a lot better than falling over in the street, missing tube trains and getting hassled at bus stops. I got the cabbie to drop me off at WFC for a spicy bean burger and chips. Oh goodness, will I ever learn???

I am back on my diet today. Right back on it. Lucy has inspired me and I want skinny jeans. I thought they would be a passing phase, but they don't appear to be going anywhere and shoot me now. I just want to belong!

I'll do a proper dating post soon. I just need to have a think about how much I can go public on, without saying anything too controversial.

Oh did you see? Norm really is storming ahead now with his gigs. I'm sending him good vibes for his big Birmingham gig and accepting with good grace his romp into the lead in our gig race. Go Norm....

I'm off to the cafe before they run out of lettuce.

Take Care Out There. Hugz x

Good Luck Sproglet

I'm in a slightly better mood today. Nothing catastrophic happened either.

One sad thing, but not sad really, a happy thing really: I said Au-Revoir to Sproglet this morning. She is off to expolre SE Asia for 3 months and you can follow her adventures Here.

PLEASE - you can all wish her lots of fun adventres and to travel safely and to come home in one piece. I know I wish those things... Well I sort of wish she wouldn't go, but she never listens to me...

On the plus side, we are only a few hours away from the four day weekend. ACES, now that would cheer anyone up, wouldn't it?

Thanks and Praise to Jesus who died on the cross, so that we can have a massively long weekend. What a guy!!