Christmas Cheer...(Part 2)

OK, so the Christmas cheer is rapidly running out, but I think I've done really well to last this long.

I think one problem this year is I'm trying to drink less than normal. I've been drinking shitloads over the past few months. OK, I've been drinking shitloads for years now, but just by way of a breather, for the last couple of weeks, I've been trying to dot a few non drinking days in between the drunken haze days. I think perhaps this is misguided. Christmas is no time for sobriety. I'm not sure that there is a good time for sobriety... anyway ... Christmas Progress.

1
I posted a total of 16 Christmas cards. Not including any that I gave by hand to close friends. Yep, pretty good going hey? I'm totally propping up the Royal Mail.

2
My elf capers continued. As part of our office Christmas lunch, Melly (elf costume designer) persuaded me to put the costume back on and give out our Secret Santa presents out. I'm not entirely sure how I got talked into doing this and it was considerably more embarrassing than dressing up in the context of a Children's fayre.

Well we learn something new every day. And so from one wise (wo)man to another... If you're at work dressed as an elf and one of your colleague suggests you take the Director a mince pie, just say "No, don't be so bloody stupid". Or take that mince pie to the Director, confuse the fuck out of him and experience the most awkward fifteen seconds of both your careers.

3
In the corner shop on Sunday, Becki and I found an old man who was having terrible difficulty breathing and was clearly in a pretty bad way. Becki sprang to work, doing all her best bandage club moves on him. She got him comfortable on a chair (provided by the usually grumpy shop owner) and he (Alf, the old boy) said he wasn't going to be able to walk home, so we called him a cab. We waited for the cab with him and went with him to see he got safely back through the snow.

When he got in his house, Alf sat on his sofa and in no time was gasping merrily on a big oxygen cannister, while we got busy robbing him blind. No, we didn't really rob him. We just politely declined a cup of tea, saw that he was ok and made our way back to the shop where Becki had left her Coca Cola by mistake. Alf's house was a bit sad. There was no carpet, no wallpaper or paint and a big full ashtray next to his oxygen can. Look on the brightside though. He had a bottle of cheap whiskey and a really nice telly. We both went home with a warm glow from helping an elderly neighbour in need during the festive season.

4
I've spent heaps of money in the last few days on 'last minute gifts', which actually seemed to be pretty much everything I needed to get. Far from a warm glow, I've got a cold dread about having to wrap the whole bastard lot up!

This next story is a bit boring, not related to Christmas, but happened yesterday.

I was in a chain pub that shall remain nameless last night and ordered a sweet potato curry. The waiter man came over and told me that they had no sweet potato curry. It might have been sweet potato. I can't quite remember. It was some veggie curry. They didn't have it, so I ordered a "Gourmet Veggie Burger" instead.

When my burger arrived, it had the most sad and miserable, brown looking side order of chips I'd ever seen. The waiter man put the food down and disappeared, but returned quickly to the table with 51p, (the difference in price between the two meals) and I asked him - "Why don't my chips look like the chips in the picture?" I was chuckling as I asked him, because they didn't look anything like the picture or anything like chips. The waiter looked at my chips and thought about it for a second - I awaited some smart response -This is what he said, "Erm, because yours are overcooked and burnt."

At least I wasn't imagining it. He got me new chips.

We only went in the chain pub to escape the snow. We probably won't go again for a while.

Right everyone has left work now, so I'm going to leave too.

In case I don't write before, have a Merry Christmas. I'm off out to get drunk. It is the only true way to enjoy the Festive Season. I should be sober again some time in the New Year. xx

Christmas Cheer...

Unlike previous years, when I've been struck down with a huge dose of the bah-humbugs, this year, I am embracing the festive season with abundance. Here's how...

1) I put up my tree. It is the same shabby little artificial tree I have decorated for seven or more years. It is only a 3-foot B&Q number, but I'm sure you'll agree that even plonked on a coffee table and over loaded with twinkly lights, tinsel, balls and various cuddly ornaments it does the job.

2) I sent four Christmas Cards. I'll send more, but I was aiming for the last posting day to Canada with the first four.

3) I 'did my bit' volunteering at St Luke's Day Centre on Saturday. I was the Christmas Elf at the Santa's Grotto. The Grotto was incredibly popular and Santa ran out of gifts with half an hour still to go. So lots of the children only got a bag of sweets instead of a proper gift. They didn't have to pay £2 though and since I'd seen the quality of Santa's gifts, I'd say they got the better deal. Anyway, here is the picture as promised ... (It is just as well I am already in the habit of leaving my dignity at home on the weekends.)

A colleague/friend of mine Melly made the costume. I think it is marvellous. She could have made the hat a bit taller though. Also, it looks like I'm poking Santa in the face with my elf ear.

Poor Santa.

The Results Are In

We had an overwhelming response to the straw poll. Hmmm, I say overwhelming, but well - two people replied and that is enough for me (thanks Su and Ade)... And the decision was - the blog lives to see another day. I’ll try and keep it updated at least once a week. We’ll just see how things go though shall we…

It has been ages since I’ve really written anything and not keeping up with this has left my creativity a bit rusty and cobwebby and not really much use to anyone … so it may be a slow start, but stick with it and hopefully we’ll get back into the crazy anecdotes and hilarious observations in no time. Did those ever happen before? Who cares, let’s look forward to them in the future…

I guess I should fill in a few of the gaps. September to November in one quick update … well maybe not too quick - this is me... Always striving for brevity... Always rambling on unnecessarily …

So - What’s been going on?

FLAT

I’m all moved in and happily settled with Sprogs now. We are like a proper old lez couple and have even received our first joint Christmas card. (thanks Norm) We had a house warming party. We’ve got new sofas and lovely shelves. I mean who could ask for more. I think Becki would ask that cats stop leaving anonymous gifts on her bed (sick and muddy paw prints - that kind of thing), but I can’t see what her problem is. There is no pleasing some people.

ROMANCE

Fate is a funny bitch at times… A week after I moved in to the new flat, ready to begin my new start with Sprogs, living the happy go lucky bachelorette dream, I met a very decent chap called Pete at a friend’s after work drinks. We hit it off and we started seeing each other. Oh yeah - Just like that!

And guess what. I pulled the relationship to pieces, found fault at every opportunity and within three months, I’d reached the end of my tether and called it quits... Ahem, I did have my reasons, but least said, soonest mended…Ha ha ha, I’m glad I’m not following some hideously predictable pattern of meeting people, making attachments then losing my bottle a few months down the line. That would be awful!

So… I’m single once again and am trying to get back into my writing and gigs and knitting. It’s much less complicated for me this way. Better for all concerned really. Yep, single is great!

*secretly weeping at my complete ineptitude where relationships are concerned.*

*sniffles and moves on – who cares anyway*

JOB

Oh, you know how fed up I was with my job? Well - First round of Tory Cu ts…They only deleted my post. Not exactly the way I’d hoped to end my six years in local government performance. I was a mix between shit-scared and feeling as if I’d had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

While colleagues (some who have barely spoken to me before) were offering their sympathies, I was secretly looking forward to getting myself one of those blankies with a hood and sleeves and snuggling down to pass the cold winter months watching Jeremy Kyle and Diagnosis Murder.

Alas, it is not to be. For once, I am a victim of my own success. Colleagues encouraged me to apply for two fixed term Contracts Officer posts that were being advertised. I did so and before the four-week consultation period of our restructure (including my post deletion) was even complete, I’d landed myself a new job. I start in the New Year… not just a coincidence then that I’m now blogging my way through my notice period on the old job…

COMEDY

I’ve barely managed to maintain a gig rate of one per week, just about clinging on to that. I had some really nice gigs back in October and early November, but it has been a bit sketchy the last few weeks. My beef, not the fault of the gigs... onwards and upwards hey?

ROUND UP

Gosh, my “just filling in the gaps a bit exercise” has made me realise it has been quite a hectic few months really. I don’t feel so bad for abandoning the blog now.

I thought I had nothing to say and then all that came spilling out… Wowee Zowee.

This Saturday I’ve volunteered to be an Elf at a Christmas Fayre taking place at one of Islington’s Day Centres. So… at least there should be some cheeky photos of that for next week’s update. As I said in my facebook status earlier today – Elves do drink Guinness and swear don’t they? Ho ho ho.

Straw Poll...

Err, is anyone interested in the continuation of this blog?

I mean lately - it hasn't really been happening has it? But I've been real busy - I had my hair dyed and that took quite a long time.... (2 hours including the cut and blow dry)

I'm thinking of reviving it. The blog ... maybe!? In part really, coz I've sort of lost my comedy mojo and maybe keeping this would help me find it again. Probably not...

Maybe I could make it a bit more topical - Like oh, did anyone see the weather today? Here is a picture of my new garden in the snow!

Plus I'm single again and it is this, knitting or endless hours of masturbation.

I'd be more inclined to update the little beast, if I thought you'd like to read some more bits and bobs.

So, err, yeah, just let me know.

MOVING TOMORROW

I'm moving flat tomorrow. I've lived in this flat for almost 9 years. WTF? Where did that go?

In the first few years, I got my first fish tank and I got my two furry feline friends, Mornington and Lucy and of course - I got rid of my useless tossbag of a boyfriend too.

Then the years merge into one big hazy blur. I left my job at Transport for London and soon found myself working at Islington Council, where still I lurk.

I put in a new kitchen at some stage.

I went to quite a few festivals.

I volunteered at the zoo.

I even took up comedy two years ago.

I've lost old friends and made new ones. I am lucky to know some fantastic people.

I've met and spent time with various different men... none of those - The One... a fair amount of freaks!

I guess I never planned to still be single... over seven years after splitting from Steph, but shitting heck, you can't plan for love hey!?

SO...

Although the sale of this flat and purchase of my new home has taken ten months, it has been a lot longer than that as a plan for myself. For years, I have harboured not so secret longings to expand into a two bedroom place, with my very own little garden... and now it is happening.

I guess when I thought of that little place, I saw it as something I'd be doing with a partner. After a long old time, I started to realise, maybe I shouldn't wait for the partner to get the home I want...As it happens, I am doing it with someone I love. I wouldn't bone her, but I think we'll be happy for a while...

Someone I work with laughed at me, when I got a bit emotional and explained - "this is my little dream flat I'm getting here." He scoffed, saying something along the lines of "Christ Jo, Your Dream Flat is a Two bed flat in Walthamstow? I think I'd probably have gone for an Exclusive Loft Apartment in Central London or something a bit more up market."

"Yes", I said... "but I'm getting this flat and you still rent a room from a mate, so who is the stupid one, between us?"

Anywho, enough of this navel gazing, I still have a lot of rubbish to clear up, a lot of boxes to pack and a lot of cleaning to do. I might be without internet for a few weeks, but I'll be back on as soon as I can to tell you how the big move went.

Moving Areas for concern:

1) Killing Roger the Goldfish in transit.

2) Mum and Dad killing each other in transit. I'd have opted for Mum not to be involved, but she has involved herself. She is very good and get things done, but has that tone that is seriously bossy and can increase tensions very quickly. I do not want a tense moving day!

3) Escaped or traumatised kitties.

4) Being up all night tonight, because I wasted the day on the interwebs...?

On that Note - Wish me well people... I'm going up in the world.

Edinburgh

As some of you may know, I have recently returned from a week in Edinburgh. I travelled up with Norman Cho and can put all your minds at rest, that: Yes, he is just as obsessive in person, as he is in his amazing blog. I think we got on ok though, I'm used to my own company or that of the cats, so when faced with extended periods around actual people, I do worry how I might react. Well, if I haven't thrown furniture at you after a few hours or broken in to relentless sobbing, then I'm tolerating you to a fairly decent standard... Norm didn't ever run screaming from me, so I take that as a good sign.

The journey and all the arrangements seemed fine, with me opting, after some deliberation to stay in student digs although Norm had offered me a room in his flat a little further out. I like to have my own bathroom and a bit of extra privacy. It's a girl thing.

I didn't get to see quite as many shows as I'd planned. One day was spent out of the game with a sickness bug, one day spent out of the game ... on the phone to my solicitor and several other days where I lacked the focus required to get me to the right places at the right time, but most days I saw two or three shows and I even blagged free entry into 2 So You Think You're Funny Semi Finals and a few other shows too. I took a walk around the Museum one day and a walk up to the Royal Botanic Gardens, not forgetting what a very special city Edinburgh is!

It was overall a really good week. I got to see the shows and performances of some of my comedy buddies including, but not exclusively, Laura Carr, Lindsay Sharman, Paul Duncan McGarrity, Ant Dewson and David Gibson. I spent a few happy nights at Get Happy and did a fair amount of drinking with various different people depending on who I had latched myself onto...

I knew before I went that next year I want to do the whole run at the Edinburgh Fringe, probably as part of a two or three person show. What I really got a taste for this year is how horrible it will be. It will be exhausting. It will be demoralising. It will be expensive and a lot of the times it won't be funny!

People I spoke to aren't just doing their own shows; most if not all, are doing an extra spot or two (or three or four) per day. Add in the flyering and the drinking... Well, did I mention it is exhausting? Thing is, it is an incredible way to experience the business of comedy. I'd stick my neck out and say there is probably no other way to immerse yourself in comedy, than to go all in and do a month Edinburgh. Then at the end, you come back and you take your place on the open mic scene, but you come back with more material, you come back and five minutes is like a stroll in the park. Maybe if it goes ok and it doesn't break you, you come back and you have learnt immense amounts and you are much stronger comedian for it.

During my week, I did three open spots ... That brings me up to gig 103 now, for those of us still counting. Three more than I did the year before in Edinburgh. The first one got a nice reception at Al Cowie's Llaugh, although I did bail after only three or four minutes, I was going really well and didn't want to ruin it by tailing off at the end....

The second one got a slightly more awkward reception, but not a total loss, at a gig run by Simon Lilley, called The Dog That Ate Your Birthday Cake... nice name for a comedy showcase. There were lots of audience there, they just seemed a bit ... well not there. I tripped over some important lines and could see my hand shaking, which I know does a comic no favours in terms of owning a room... Ooops. I had a hangover more than I had fear of performance!

The last spot was at Electric Cabaret. A drunken late night open mic show, on this occasion, it was inhabited mostly by the regulars at DSS, where the most impressive thing I showcased was a picture of my knitted owl and a demonstration of my crab. Oh well... A gig is a gig. Other comedians tried juggling and cartwheels. I guess you had to be there! Or maybe it is best that you weren't.

Thanks to anyone that let me anywhere near a mic anyway. Oh and thanks to anyone who, stopped to say hello or have a pint with me. It really did make for a great week away.

Edinburgh, I shall see you next year. Right, all I have to do now, is get lots more comedy practice, spend some time doing some proper writing and get heaps better as a comedian generally, so I don't make a twat of myself when I get there... As they say in Italy - No Problemo...

I'll crack on with that, right after I've moved flat. Yes... for today is my last whole day and one more sleep until I move peoples. It only took ten months, but this sh*t is really going down :)

TODAY

Is my 100th stand up gig. That isn't until later though. Guess what else I'm doing today....

YES... Pre Flat Move Preparations. I'm sorting, tidying, shredding, throwing and packing up all my stuff.

I've admitted to friends that I'm doing 10 years worth of shredding this weekend. A lot of people have commented on how shredding is really tiresome, a few have said they find it therapeutic though. All have commented on how shredders overheat so easily and what a pain that is. Mine never overheats though. It jams so fucking often, it doesn't get a chance to overheat.

Shredding hey. I've been thinking about this. We shred to protect our identity, but if I was an identity thief, I'd wouldn't want the identity of someone anal enough to shred. I'd want to be someone exciting to whom the very idea of a shredder was laughable.

I'm doing a lot of sneezing too. It seems all my belongings are riddled with allergens! Gross...

OK, if anybody finds a living room floor, it is mine. I think I must have misplaced it under 10 years worth of electricity bills, payslips and smear test invitations.

Come to the gig later if you are in London Bridge, it is at Platform Bar, Tooley Street, Doors 7, Show 7.30. It is Funny Women competition heat.

CRUSH STUDY

I agreed to take part in a 'scientific' study for a report on relationships. Here is a summary of the findings.

The study examined a range of encounters recalled and recounted by myself - with 238 male friends, colleagues and other acquaintances I had met through the years.

Of those encounters, I formed crushes on 232 of the men. (6 were relatives).

The study found that it takes me on average 3 minutes and 48 seconds to form a crush from the time of being introduced to a man. Then, depending on the severity of the crush, it can take me anything from seven weeks, to thirteen years to fully recover.

The study found that 97 % of my crushes have remained entirely unrequited and led only to my shame and humiliation.

65% of those men, turned out to be gay and a further 12% "went gay" out of sheer panic when faced with the horrors of my advances.

Of the 3% of crushes that have led to romantic scenarios (not including those scenarios imagined by me - these were real snogs, and even a couple of leg overs), there has ultimately been one outcome, common to all scenarios: Tears. Mine.

Conclusions of the Study - I'm an idiot, who forms inappropriate crushes, but cannot sustain genuine loving relationships.

Ho Hum. Thank You Science.

Oh, I had to go to the solicitors yesterday to sign all the bits and bobs connected with the move... (and no... still no exchange or completion dates confirrmed.) Anyway, there I was at the solicitors and wasn't Mr Bentley the most delicious solicitor ever!? I shall call him Beebee. (as in Bob Bentley) Mmmmm. Beebee. I heart you. I saw the way you looked at me as you explained my lease extension...

Author's note - This idea still needs work, but I think there is some humour in there somewhere....

A CONFESSION

Sometimes when I get home ...

late at night .....

with my spicy bean burger and chips....

I like to use a knife and fork.

There I said it.

Interruptions in Service

Sorry I've been gone for so long. I know it can be death of any bloggage just to get abandoned. I've written you a list of reasons (excuses) as to why I've absented myself.

1) My computer screen at my new desk on the 2nd floor of the office building I 'work' in, is always within eyeball range of my boss. ARSE. I wonder if he planned that, when picking everyone's desk.

2) I did go to Italy for a week to see my brother get married. That was HOT. The weather in Italy, not seeing my brother get married...

3) I've been sidetracked by looking at boys on that there OKCupid. Just looking mind. No hilarious dating stories for you.

Oh God, sorry I'm too out of practice, that new Sherlock has come on and I think I might be in love. Byee... x

It's been too long. Has it? It's been a while...

Sorry I've been busy hanging out with Estate Agents. Aren't they just the best? NO.

I have sold my flat (subject to all the paperwork and money and that... so not really) and found a new one. So yeah that has been happening.

I was watching the football last night (frightful business). The amount of alcohol consumed was completely inappropriate and ill advised.

Then, this morning I decided it would be a good time to make a video. Yeah, check this shit out...

If I were to leave a comment about my own video, I'd say "your camera work and picture quality are both appalling. It makes it difficult to watch. Also, Roger isn't literally 'a whale' so you got that bit wrong. Plus you look weird and ugly. Get over yourself. Lucy was good."

I am my own harshest critic though. OR, I thought I'd get the boot in before anyone else does... Lucy was fantastic though wasn't she? She is charming, yet doesn't overplay her part.

It took about ten minutes and three takes to make and about four hours to load it onto the wordia website. During that time, I had sleepies, I puked up the entire contents of my stomach (too much wine at the world cup party) and had more sleepies. All in all, I think I'm most proud of the upload then. Have a look at some of the other amazing people who have made videos - George Ryegold, Rich Fulcher, Tom Webb, Mark Restuccia - I'm in good company. Actually just watch their wordia words. They are all much better than mine.

I meant to tell you something else, but it floated into my brain, then out again. hmmmmm. Oh yeah, of course... our overseas blog buddy and all round cool dudette and fantastic female person ... she is my special someone ... is she yours? ... Becki Sproglet, Madame Poopypants IS coming home in a week. Thank heavens for that.

I'm off to Glastonbury on Monday. I'll be gone all week, so I miss the grand Sprog home-coming. Anyway, be kind, wish sunshine for me, not rain. Pleeeeze.

OK, that is all you are getting for now. I think maybe I'm about to be sick again. I didn't think I had anything left inside me, but something isn't right yet.

Cheers x x x

Taking a deep breath and counting to ten.

Well we all got our proverbial knickers in a bit of a twist over the youtube footage featured in the last post. I never expected that kind of drama, I must admit…

I’ve taken a week or so to regroup and revivify myself.

I did, it must be said, spend a brief spell on the brink of an MH breakdown. I took two days off work. I endured a humiliating trip to my GP to ask for advice on why I kept sobbing uncontrollably. My GP’s advice wasn’t to stop listening to the hurtful things people say about me. No, my GP’s advice was - I should sleep with my Mum. (Something to do with her scent being a calming influence). I have not slept with my Mum. I will not be asking my Mum to sleep with me. I am now looking for a new GP.

And in the meantime, I have picked myself up, brushed myself down and am trying to get back to some sense of normality. Well you know … my quite particular version of normality.

I do want to address what happened, but don’t want to dwell on it too much.

Nate (of the forthright and controversial feedback) completely resigned from blogging and twitter when things blew up last week. Yes, he closed down his blog and he said goodbye to all his Twitter followers. This seemed a bit of an over reaction, but Nate has since revised that drastic decision and is back to blogging and tweeting now, so no lasting damage done there...

While I don’t want to cause any further upset or awkwardness when things finally seem to be settling down, I couldn’t help that notice that Nate is now claiming to have barely slept for ten days over things said here and I do think I have a right to answer that.

In fact, I find his latest posts a wee bit over the top. Poor old Nate is now the victim of the situation living under a constant fear of violence. He was the one to slate my creative pursuits in a most tactless and heavy handed way, but all that seems to be barely mentioned. I’ve lost time at work through upset at our busiest time of year. Nate on the other hand with no commitments to speak of, can run away and hide for a week, then emerge saying how my friends have threatened his sense of personal safety.

I wrote to Nate and made clear and genuine apologies for the reactions to his comments only a day after they appeared. I reiterated that Norm had also apologised for his slightly over zealous, but wonderfully loyal and protective remarks.* Thank you Norm for being there when you were.

In short, Nate has had no reasonable need to fear for his safety or keep a hammer by his side for the last ten days. Norm is a criminal lawyer, not a criminal.

Nate, I know you pride yourself on your imagination, but on this, I do think you could go a bit easy on over dramatising things quite so much.

OK, I’m closing the door on the whole episode, I hope others can too.

And so on we trundle…

I did my first gig, since the youtube terrors this Wednesday. It didn’t go brilliantly, but I happened to have a frightful hangover that day and the room was a bit quiet for whatever reasons. Anyway, I got some laughs and I’m glad to be back on the horse. I’m going to try and make it to at least two gigs next week to get properly back into the swing of things again. I have a charity gig next Friday and I am performing at the Comedy Café on 2nd June and want to get some practice in before then.

Oh and in the midst of all this kerfuffle, I’ve met a man that I like. I’m pretty sure he likes me back and we are going on date three tonight… A real life man… That I didn’t find on the internet. I don’t want to jinx it by saying too much. You shall have to bear with me, while I try my best not to make a complete arse of myself over this one.

Oh and just this second, just now, literally just a moment ago, I got an email from Oxfam saying I’ve been selected for the early shift at Glastonbury. This does mean I have to arrive on the Saturday before the festival and spend an extra 2 nights under canvas. But the benefits are well worth it. I’ll get to pick the best camping spot. I’ll finish all my shifts by Wednesday. Then I get to enjoy the whole festival without having to do any more work. Coolio - I’ll take the extra 2 nights under canvas then!

Whoop, whoop.

Niiiiiice one.

Sweet.

Aces.

A lot of other happy words.

Bring on the sunshine.

I’m smiling and I’m ready for the weekend.

Giggling Gibbon, Jo Ogden 5th May 2010 (v2)

Q: WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU TAKE AN ORDINARY FIVE MINUTE COMEDY SET AND CROSS IT WITH A VERY DRUNK FRIEND IN THE AUDIENCE?

A: TEN MINUTES OF SHOUTY COMEDY MAYHEM... ONLY SOME OF WHICH IS FUNNY, UNFORTUNATELY!!

Meet the Gang, Giggling Gibbon 5th May 2010

Here are my friends. They created major disruptions at my latest gig... The video of which I'm still trying to upload...

Election Fever.

Blog posts like buses - you wait ages for one, then two come along at once.

In case you were wondering I did vote this morning. Yes, I think I've got this politics nailed. I was allowed to pick three on the local election sheet and one on the parliamentary sheet. I voted for two girls and two boys just to be fair. Two of my choices had Asian names because I figured they'd be most popular in my area. I did pick by party first, then ethnicity. I feel like I've done my bit for equality as well as democracy.

I'd even done my homework and looked up the local choices before I went too. I established that we had an indepent chap who specialises in conspiracy theories and is a proper anti war nut (not that I'm condoning war.) I didn't vote for him, but his name was Paul Warburton if you want to check him out and find out why.

Oh yeah, I really got involved!

On my way out of the polling station, I met a ginger tom cat on his way into the polling station. I gave him a little stroke and said 'Hello fella, are you here to vote?' Then I started chanting on his behalf. "Votes for Cats!" "Votes for Cats!" The assembled gents in rosettes looked none too impressed. Just as well I didn't do that on the way in or I may have got myself excluded from the vote on the grounds I wasn't of sound mind.

Then I noticed the cat was a bit scabby and I've felt quite unclean and a little bit queezy ever since. I think perhaps I'm coming down with something. Or is it just election fever?

I hope all mine win. I love it. It is like a night out at the dogs.

Coming Soon...

...Video footage of one of my gigs!

Recorded last night, I now have to figure out how to get the moving pictures from the little camera box into the computer box and onto the world wide web... A job for the weekend... It wasn't a gig I particularly stormed, but I know you are all growing impatient. By "all", I refer to you tireless reader, yes you... you know who you are. So we shall start with average recorded performance and work up from there... Watch this space and think of it as a test!

I know I've been quiet for over a week now. Soz. I'm still tweeting like a lunatic, if you like your ramblings in bite size chunks.

But why have you been abandoned for so long? In my defence, last week I was quite busy. I did three gigs. Highly unusual I know - Party Piece, DSS and Cradley Heath. #85-87. You deserve proper gig reports, but I don't know that I have them in me.

Here is a snippit of the way things played out, with a small amount of pre amble...

You know how I've been fiddling about on that there OKCupid? Trying my hand at dating and all that. Well on Monday of last week, I met up with another young chap through the website and let's just say things went slightly differently to the picnic date. In the long run, no better than the picnic date, but differently.

This is completely uncool and there is no nice way to say it, but by Tuesday I had to go to Boots for Emergency Contraception. Listen and learn kids...

One night stands* can be cool. Each to their own. We don't judge here. I've had a few over the years.

Unprotected sex on one nights stands is most definitely not cool. I have no defence. I can't even be bothered to publicly apologise for myself or explain myself at this juncture. We'll accept it was totally stupid and move on with the story.

*Re Overnight Romances - I generally enter into these things in good faith that there might be an opportunity for a replay at some later date, so technically I don't really get to find out it was a one night thing until after... Taken to it's logical conclusion, it is only on the day I die that I get to tott up how many one nighters there were, as there may always be an opportunity for something to happen with any of those people again at some stage. Then of course, they are no longer one night stands, they become casual, if sporadic medium to long term flings! I can think of a few cases, where I've slept with someone a second time, even though I wasn't that keen, because in a crazy mixed up way, it made the first time seem more respectable.

Dear oh dear Joanne - What ever happened to two wrongs don't make a right?

Gosh, anyway, where were we?

Tuesday! Yes, on Tuesday I went to Boots, right before Party Piece, with my good friend Lucy, "Levonelle" was purchased. Then straight to the pub, downed the tablet with a large slug of Guinness and onwards with another night of fun. I like to experiment with my material at Party Piece because it is a nice friendly gig. I'm not sure Tom Webb always appreciates this approach, but when Lucy said to me before I went on "oh, you should totally tell them about the Levonelle" I agreed without actually looking for the funny part of the story. Turns out you really do have to search properly and find that funny when admitting to this kind of humiliation.

What ensued was a stunned silence that quickly spread across the room and me desperately trying to recover the situation with what increasingly felt like a bit of a comedy cul de sac. I tried not to over stay my welcome, changed subject towards the end, got a laugh or two on a much sillier more innocent note and left the stage.

OH!

Anyway, not one to be easily beaten, I got to thinking about my Levonelle escapades and I tried again talking about them at DSS on Wednesday with a lot less horror and marginally more comedy success. By Thursday, in Cradley Heath, it had worked into quite a nice little 'bit' of my set and got a few decent laughs. I like to think I'm putting the fun back into emergency contraception... Three days, three gigs and a nice way to see a bit of material progress from comedy carnage to something half decent.

And as I said at DSS ... join me next time, when we get to talk about the horror that is the trip to the sexual health clinic and other embarrassing repercussions of a night of wild abandon.

Actually, let's not do that. Join me next time for the video of gig 88 - recorded last night, at The Giggling Gibbon, where my drunk buddy Chris talked through every act's set and I barely got out of the venue alive after bringing such a drunken loon to the event...

Wish me luck with the camera/computer/internet technology...

PS - I think a lot of people are using OKCupid as a bit of a casual hook up site. On some levels this is proving to be fun, but I for one need to be a bit more careful about who I hook up with and work out if that is actually what I want...

I do enjoy searching out the freakiest of the freaks and sending their username to Lucy with ... your next boyfriend (insert username of freak) says hi ... That makes me smile a lot. Sound a bit cruel? Maybe, but we are not vain enough to imagine others do not do the same with our usernames. In fact, we'd be offended if they weren't.

Thanks all, I'm off to see if I can get some work done. Cheerio xx

Word of the moment - Clunge. So wrong. It had to be said though.

Politics - A Special Limited Edition Election Post

Hold on. Let me explain...

I know you don't come here looking for intelligent political comment. I know you come here for the ramblings of a hapless binge drinker and the occasional allusion to oral sex.

Well just wait one moment, because thanks to the suffragettes I get to vote too. Only - and here is the thing, I'm just going to come right out and say it - I don't understand all this politics stuff and I'm not really sure what to do with my vote. I really think I need to get a handle on this, working in Local Government, there is an underlying expectation that we show a little bit of interest.

So, can you help?

My understanding so far is this:

Things haven't been all that great under our current Labour leadership. There has been them there wars wasting our money, the NHS is poorly, the children are a bit dim, we are in debt and I can't sell my flat. BUT Labour say that wasn't all their fault and they promise to try harder next time. Not unlike Central Estate Agents, the useless toss bags. Central, not Labour. Well...

Sorry, where was I?

I also understand we mustn't vote Tory because they want to close all the donkey sanctuaries and they are planning to do away with Two For Tuesdays at Dominos. David, no one can afford Dominos without Two for Tuesdays... Actually I don't know what the Tories want to do, but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't like it much if I did know about it.

Then ...

You can vote Lib Dem if you want, especially now that man has been on the telly, been good at talking and got himself famous overnight. Yeah him, you can consider him too now, but yellow is such a difficult colour to carry off... and that is why they probably won't win anyway.

Or you can vote for racists or environmentalists and that isn't going to get anyone anywhere is it?

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure we need an election, I think we need Dr Who.

I have joined in one of these twitter trending thingemeejigs to try and immerse myself in the political discussion, but I still don't think it is helping. You say something bad has happened, then say #nickcleggsfault. I think it is meant to be funny. I'm just tweeting my usual tweets, but tagging them anyway in an attempt to lure in followers. If you are reading this blog because of one of those tweets, you are now stuck in a massive internet circular reference and could implode suddenly. Soz.

As for the matter at hand, who to give my vote to...I'm still none the wiser. I think I will check out the local politicians for my area and see who has the nicest eyes... and I'll need to know their intentions towards homeless donkeys as well...

I think I saw a rainbow on the way to the polling station last time, took it as a sign and voted for the gay candidate. I do love the gays. I don't even remember which party he represented. We had better not leave it to chance this time around. What if I'm on the way to the polling station this time and I see a rich person bullying a poor person, I could end up voting Tory by mistake. That is what they stand for right?

If you do have anything more to offer, please feel free to chip in... I'm all ears.

Thanks x

My quest for love continues...

I had an OKCupid date with a man who stated 'rarely' as the frequency that he drinks on his profile last night. I did ask friends/loved ones/most of the interweb if this date was wise, well aware that I enjoy a drinkie considerably more often than rarely. Opinions were mixed. One might say, I was offered a cocktail of advice and after knocking back that cocktail, I decided to give it a go... I like drink, but I don't need it to have fun. *ahem* I DON'T!

We'd arranged to meet for a picnic in Regent's Park after my shift at the zoo. This was his idea and my only reservation was that if it rained, it would be a terrible idea, but it was a lovely day yesterday, so all in all it had potential.

From his pictures, it could have gone either way as to whether I'd be attracted when we met. Let us be honest, you can be selective with the pictures you choose to put online. I know I have been.

You can't tell until you meet someone if that special spark will be there. Hold on while I make up a name for him - John (imagination firing on all cylinders there). John didn't really get me sparking when we met. These things can develop over time, but my over all impression was - this wasn't sparking and was unlikely to be developing...

It isn't for me to say how John felt about me in return, let us give him the benefit of the doubt and say he thought I was a terrible horror.

Still he was keenly clutching his baguette and picnic we must!

We'd arranged to meet when the zoo closed at 5.30. John had texted to say he would be ten minutes late, so by the time we found a suitable spot in the park, it was getting on towards 6pm. Let us remind ourselves, we are still in April. Even on the brightest of days, the heat tends to go out of the sun around that time, so while John folded his leather jacket neatly up beside him and I laid out two of my jumpers for us to sit on/eat from, it was getting chilly already.

Top tip. Inviting someone for a picnic? Bring something to sit on. If not, at least don't be selfish about your jacket! Twat...

John was bringing savouries. I was bringing deserts. Besides his baguette. John had bought philadelphia cheese, some cheddar slices and two types of sliced meat. He said cautiously as he brandished his spicy sausage - "I couldn't remember if you were vegetarian or not." "I am" I said and he put away the salami again. Oh and he had a bag of dried papaya (?) and some cherry tomatoes, plus a bottle of apple juice for drinkies... I don't want to sound like a complete prick for judging his choices too harshly, so I won't. I'll be nice, it was a fairly decent picnic spread. I guess...

I brought a fruit salad (token health gesture), a small profiterole dessert and two fresh strawberry tarts. He remarked on how middle class I was for going to M&S. I don't get that. M&S make nice desserts. I'd made a special trip there during my zoo lunch hour. I'm sure John's corner shop do a fine line in diced papaya, it doesn't give me the right to judge his class. I think perhaps I took that as a challenge as I started swearing more from that point on.

We ate quickly. It got cold even more quickly and not wanting to seem like someone that scoffs then dashes, I suggested... with some degree of caution, we go for a coffee somewhere. Thinking - wouldn't it be lush - if he swerved us towards a pub for half a dozen pints or a nice bottle of pink wine or three...

Twenty minutes of walking later, (past several pubs) we found a Starbucks that was open. One skinny mocha and one hot chocolate later (what sort of man doesn't drink and doesn't like the taste of coffee either?) it was time to say our goodbyes. John was telling me about a comedy night on Tuesday that I might want to check out, but I was non commital as to whether I'd be able to make it.

John wasn't bad company. He had interesting things to talk about like stone masonry and ballroom dancing and his sense of humour wasn't too bad. Unfortunately for most of his jokes, I just said pardon, because he spoke fairly quietly, so that does rather take the edge off of a killer funny line ...having to repeat it. Poor chap.

Right before the date, a friend of mine, Caroline from the London Zoo Sunday A Team remarked how one really important thing for her with a potential partner was hygiene. I agreed, but remarked that perhaps we should take hygiene as a given and set our sights higher.

During our picnic, John told me that he was renovating his house and was between bathrooms. He relied on the pub across the road from where he lived for bathroom faciilties. I noticed a stamp on the back of his hand, presumably from the club he had been to the night before and asked if the pub let him shower there. He laughed and said he had previously been showering at the office he had worked at, but since leaving a fortnight ago to set up his own business, this had not been possible. It was unclear to me how long this bathroom situation had been going on and how long it would take to resolve. I almost choked on the chunk of baguette he had broken me off a few minutes earlier.

Life is a never ending learning experience and it seems even the simple things such as a date who washes cannot be taken for granted.

I'm glad in many respects that it was a dry date. After six to nine pints of strong lager or Guinnes, I can usually find more reasons to sleep with someone than I can after a plastic cup of apple juice and a mocha. Waking up at half past three in the morning, round John's place and dying for a pee before realising all John has to offer me is the kitchen sink or a bucket in the corner would have been far from an ideal end to a chilly picnic in the park.

Onwards and upwards as they say...

I got this message on OKCupid today: "Please don`t think of me as shallow but i think you are incredibly beautiful. If your personality matches you must surely be a dream come true. no its not just a cheesey and bad atempt to chat you up. I like to say what i think. Yes i do some times put my foot in it."

I think this person not only sounds shallow and cheesey, I think he sounds like a complete liar. He has an even sketchier grasp on grammar than I have. I'll ask if he washes regularly and see where we go from there...

Formal Apology

It appears my blog (and certain other areas of my life) have been hacked by a drunken harlot.

Sperm!? Absolutely disgusting.
Saggy Dog Nipples!? I'm horrified.

And worst of all...

Skinny Jeans!? The very idea is simply appalling.

Please accept my most sincere apologies.

Normal service will resume forthwith.

GIG REPORTS - YOU LOVE THEM YOU SLAGS!

Yes, I've been taking the sperm story out to the people... Gig 83 and 84 took place in Derby and London respectively...

I do worry that I'll get myself a reputation, talking publicly about sperm, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing. Who doesn't love a cum guzzler?* Oh goodness no. Am I just making this worse? Things are really getting out of hand now. It could take me weeks, no months, years even to rebuild my flawless 'pure as the driven snow' reputation. I'm sorry if I have caused unnecessary offence.

*Mum (and all other family members) I do hope you aren't reading this and I don't want you to think of me that way. It couldn't be further from the truth and is all based on a simple misunderstanding...

Oh Gosh, Moving Swiftly on...

I've had two lovely gigs this week. Norm, Giada Garofalo and I went up to Derby on Monday. My fourth ever Spikey Mike Gong Show and as I'd been gonged off at three minutes and two minutes respectively at the last couple, I didn't hold out much hope of surviving the five on Monday. Well - I surprised everyone including myself, by having a lovely old time and surviving the gong to do an entire five minutes. It doesn't sound much, but it means something to me, so there.

Giada and I had this quite tricky moment where we got stuck at the bottom of the stairs as a load of audience were coming down at the last interval of the night and it looked just like we were there to lap up praise... We weren't - honest. Just as well we were there - as it happened one passing audience actually high fived me and said - "oooooh we loved you, I said to my mate, she is just like us." Her mate looked a little non plussed by all this. Anyway, they looked like a lovely couple of girls. They had, how to best say this? They had a very friendly easy to get along with air about them (slags) and I was delighted to be considered one of their own... Well I was delighted that they liked my set.

Unfortunately Giada and Norm both got gonged off at three and a half minutes, but that is how it goes sometimes. I know from experience that it can be a bit disheartening, but neither of them seemed too troubled by it and overall it was a nice night out and another Road Trip Win.

Last night was gig 84. Desperately Seeking Stagetime. I've been to this gig a lot lately and rate it as one of my favourite open mic nights. There was a bit of a problem last night as quite a few audience and comics left early. It started all nice and busy and by the time I went on (second to last) ... It had emptied right out. Anyway, one must plough on... They know who they are... The leave early snides...

Last night, there was a huge picture of a Dog Trust dog and acts were encouraged to come up with a dog joke. I'm not really one for jokes, (tricky as a comedian) but I did want to talk about the dog because you could see her nipples. She had obviously had pups at some stage...

Bearing in mind I was a bit drunk I said something far more slurred and much less concise, but along the lines of - "I feel really bad for her. Look at her little sad face. Just because she has saggy nipples, doesn't mean she won't make someone a loving companion. - hmmmm, I might put that on my OKCupid profile."

It is a shame that was probably one of those one off never again comedy moments, because I could eek out a good few minutes about how the little doggy had been around the block and what else she and me might have in common.

On last was Adam Larter. I like him, he is very funny. It was his doggy picture too...

I got my performance recorded on my snazzy new video recorder... but may choose not to post it up here or on youtube. I haven't even had the courage to look at the recording yet and it may not help with the whole spermgate situation...

Need another POV on the gigs described here? Try 'Norm' from my 'friends who blog' section. A hyperlink here in the text? That would be handy wouldn't it. No, don't want to.

The skinny jeans are going ok thanks. They do take some getting used to.

The dating is a mixed bag and my most profound apologies for not updating you better on that front. I know you all got excited when I kicked that off. I just can't be bothered to explain it all if truth be told. Oh, I feel bad now for not sharing. Or do I? Nah, not really.

Oh, I booked a gig for the day of my birthday too... It will be a "Get Happy" Birthday on the 7th July this year. Lovely, lovely, lovely... Be there or be square...

Do you follow me on Twitter? Would you like to? To be fair, it is a lot of very similar stuff to this, but in bite size easy to digest niblets - my username is Oggers76 and you don't get the full url or link for that either.

Cheers x

Gig 82

Well I see I haven't topped you up on Oglet waffle for nearly a week. This abandonment must stop. Is it time for a quick update? OK, since you ask so nicely...

I went to Party Piece last night. It had been almost 3 weeks since my last gig. *please read that to yourself in the voice of a hopeless addict. Hopeless indeed - I can't even be addicted properly.

Shock on. No wonder I've been a bit down in the dumps. I wither away to almost nothing without the meaningless acknowledgment of strangers.

Well not literally wither away to nothing. Actually in the last 3 weeks, I've put on 6.5 lbs. What one might call AN EPIC DIET FAIL.

So, it turns out that sitting around on the sofa, feeling sorry for myself and calling Dominos when I have no healthy food in the fridge isn't good for me. Who knew? Actually I've been out drinking and feeling sorry for myself quite a lot too. Shucks. I think I have serious talent for putting on weight, I'm not playing to my strengths with this WW melarchy.

So... right ... the gig... I had done a bit of preparation on my anecdote about taking my niece to the zoo for the Amused Moose Qualifier on Monday. Then on Monday, I decided to stay on the sofa instead of brave the competition. Well, I thought I could put the prep to use at Party Piece last night, but when it came to it, I forgot most of what I'd written and had to manage on a wing and a prayer and just ramble through the story as best I could.

I told the sperm story too, which didn't exactly reach it's full comedy potential. It was alright, but I think with a bit of effort it will go down better. Yes, pun intended. groan. Soz!

Weight Watchers was before the gig and Lucy (all round lovely chick and 2010 WW buddy) came with me to PP too.

George Ryegold was on the bill last night. I whispered to Lucy that she would like GR and sure as poop pongs, she did like him: A lot. She said it was the funniest thing she had seen in a very long time and I had a little proud for introducing her to the joys of GR.

After all the comedy fun had ended, GR said to me at the bar that he had enjoyed my set and liked me better each time he saw me. (I think possibly all of twice now...) Him saying that meant a lot to me and I had a second little proud. He did hint that I might try and add in some funny lines. I'm paraphrasing. he might have said 'more funny lines'. Ha, a mere technicality... who does he think he is anyway?

I introduced Toby (GR's other name) to Lucy after, so that she could return the compliments on my behalf. She did so very well. She was all over that compliment shit. It was lush, we all had a nice chat and drank Guinness until much later than we should have done and by the time Lucy and I left there, we decided it was best not to hang around waiting for night busses, we'd get cabs home.

We took separate cabs because we live in opposite directions (clever hey?) My one was 11 pounds. That doesn't seem too bad to me. You know, it seems a lot better than falling over in the street, missing tube trains and getting hassled at bus stops. I got the cabbie to drop me off at WFC for a spicy bean burger and chips. Oh goodness, will I ever learn???

I am back on my diet today. Right back on it. Lucy has inspired me and I want skinny jeans. I thought they would be a passing phase, but they don't appear to be going anywhere and shoot me now. I just want to belong!

I'll do a proper dating post soon. I just need to have a think about how much I can go public on, without saying anything too controversial.

Oh did you see? Norm really is storming ahead now with his gigs. I'm sending him good vibes for his big Birmingham gig and accepting with good grace his romp into the lead in our gig race. Go Norm....

I'm off to the cafe before they run out of lettuce.

Take Care Out There. Hugz x

Good Luck Sproglet

I'm in a slightly better mood today. Nothing catastrophic happened either.

One sad thing, but not sad really, a happy thing really: I said Au-Revoir to Sproglet this morning. She is off to expolre SE Asia for 3 months and you can follow her adventures Here.

PLEASE - you can all wish her lots of fun adventres and to travel safely and to come home in one piece. I know I wish those things... Well I sort of wish she wouldn't go, but she never listens to me...

On the plus side, we are only a few hours away from the four day weekend. ACES, now that would cheer anyone up, wouldn't it?

Thanks and Praise to Jesus who died on the cross, so that we can have a massively long weekend. What a guy!!

Grumpy Day

I'm having a grumpy day. I guess you don't really need to know that. I bet you are wishing I wouldn't harp on about it. Soz.

I cancelled the drinks with 'air of msytery - not exactly single - non gender specific Mr Wrong'.

Do I feel cleansed? Do I feel empowered? Do I feel liberated?

No.

I don't think cancelling the drinks and the bad mood are necessarily connected though. I do feel ever so slightly unhinged. A danger to myself and others and who knows what could happen next?

Something good hopefully. Watch this space people. x

OKCupid - A very quick update...

On OKCupid you can answer questions publicly or privately. I didn't quite see the point in answering questions privately, so I've been merrily answering all sorts of questions (over 130 now) and all of them publicly. (The questions, I've mentioned previously, are designed to find out about a person and improve the matches the system makes for you...)

I really got into the swing of it. Clicking away in a happy land of mulitple choice fun...

If you have favourite users added or even just people that you have contacted (or anyone really that might vaguely be a match for you - from what I can work out), they get news of your profile updates and most recent questions fed to their OKCupid home page.

Imagine my surprise when one of my favourites told me that the question I answered - "Do you know what sperm tastes like? - Jo answered Yes", had become front page news. Well, it got him chatting...

Whatever works I guess...

SHAME.

Sorry Mum!

Another I Can Haz moment...

I almost shit myself laughing at this picture courtesy of icanhascheezburger. The similarity between this cat and my lovely chubster Mornington are frightening. So cute.

Horoscope Horrors

Now I am pleasantly superstitious and interested in all kinds of spooky unworldly business, but when I read my horoscope, I do so with an air of healthy cynicism and only really read it for fun.

Sometimes when you read them, all the signs say pretty much the same old tripe. I used to read my horoscopes online and someone had obviously devised a computer programme to arrange trite expressions into five line paragraphs, so that some days it didn't even make sense and chunks of it could be repeated randomly from month to month or week to week.

Sometimes my mate Chris and I read them together, we are both Cancer and if we don't like what we find there, we choose another sign for the day.

Let's just say, I don't take it too seriously...

What if though, one day just out of the blue and by sheer bloody coincidence my star sign said something a bit close to the bone? What if my horoscope by sheer chance was telling me something I'd been ignoring anyway? Yes, it is just a coincidence and is bound to work out that way by the sheer probability of reading them almost every day. However, if something makes sense, maybe one should stop and listen, however unlikely and unreliable the source is.

I didn't save the paper and I don't remember the exact wording, but yesterday's entry went like this:

However much you are attracted to someone, it is time to draw a line under it if you know they aren't really free. You are too much of an emotional sign to be on that treadmill.

Oh bloody hell, not the free papers as well. Get off my back people.

What if last year, I had accidentally got a tiny bit involved with someone who unbeknownst to me wasn't exactly single. Funny I don't ask those questions before hopping into bed hey? Had this happened, (and maybe it did, maybe it didn't...) when I did ask about their living arrangements and the best they could give me, was 'I'll tell you another time, I'd like to maintain an air of mystery.' I probably wouldn't have spoken to them for months. I probably would have let them know that wasn't cool. Nobody messes with me. Ha ha ha.

Well, maybe our paths crossed a few times and I don't like nasty atmospheres and I might have gradually become friendly again. What if I've just agreed to meet them for a drink again? What if I know it is a tacky, ugly stupid thing to do, but wtf, no other bugger wants to take me out, so why not?

Well no real reason to explain why not, I think there are untold reasons and we could get the comments section jammed up. Oh, I don't really know why I'm telling you this. I'm sweeping away the sense of disappointment at my lack of self respect and lack of moral judgment and going anyway.

I'm not 100% sure the person is still in a relationship. I think we can assume they still are and even if they aren't, it doesn't change the fact they have acted like a right see you next Tuesday in the past, so don't really deserve my company. * you know the amazing prize that is 'my company'.

Oh, well I'm still going.

They are Mr Wrong, not Mr Right.

Yep, still going...

Oh well, lets hope the drinks are tasty and the evening is fun :) It isn't for a while yet, so feel free to bombard me with judgments. Oh yeah, go for it. After all, the computer programme at the Metro Horoscope section already has...

The theatre

I wrote this on OKCupid, but thought you'd be livid if I didn't share it with you too. Lots and lots has happened since I parted company with my dead macbook, then got my new macbook with absolutely nothing on it... I haven't found love on OKCupid yet, but I do have 70% of a profile now and I'm filtering through the weirdos a bit more easily as time goes on.

We had Nan's funeral last week, which was a sad day, but it was a nice send off. Not much more to say about that really. Oh, it turns out my cousins share my fascination with ghosts and ghouls. Funny old world!

I've done 81 gigs now. Norm is way ahead on something like 87, so go Norm, but it is all good. I spent all weekend doing work for free. Friday and Saturday nights - free bar work for The Comedy School and Sunday - free customer service for London Zoo. I like helping people and feeling useful, but am getting to the point where maybe I should think about finding ways to do that and make a bit of cash or choose something that also helps myself at the same time.

OK, I didn't write any of that bit on OKCupid, that is exclusively for you by way of introduciton. This was what I wrote for OKCupid today...Just now... about the theatre, as the title above would suggest:

I went to the New London Theatre tonight to see WarHorse. I went with my Mum and Dad. My Dad said on the way in... "Isn't this the place we came to see those blue blokes?" "Yes", said my Mum. "Oh, so it is" say I...Turns out my parents have better memories than me and I really enjoyed The Blue Man Group too. More so, than Avatar, which I saw in Stratford and not with Mum and Dad and even though I saw that in 3D, I still understand that 3D movie is different to theatre...

I really enjoyed the Performance tonight too. Those horses were absolutely amazing. I didn't think you'd feel emotional about fake horses, but they do such a good job with them, in the end you really feel involved. Mind you, I get emotional at most adverts. Sorry, I should clarify, I'm not here to review the production, just give you a little sum up of a night out...

In the interval I was fishing around in my bag for my purse to buy ice cream and my purse wasn't there. Weirdly enough, I hadn't made it out of the office for lunch today and so couldn't actually remember seeing the purse since yesterday when I stopped at the petrol station on the way home from the zoo. No point in panicking, but no ice cream for me tonight... I'd look for the purse when I got home and cancel my cards if need be after that.

When I said goodbye to Mum and Dad outside the theatre, Mum asked me to text her and let her know if I found my purse or not. Yes, fine I'll do that. Then just as I'm walking off, they both say - "See you on Sunday". "Oh, are we?" I mutter, bemused. I've clearly forgotten something else that they've remembered... I know I'm seeing them next Tuesday for comedy at the O2, not Sunday as well? I love my parents, but once a week is usually just about enough family fun. "Andrew is coming over, everyone is coming over. It's a big one. We're cooking. You remember" says Dad. I do remember, (after some prompting) and of course I'll be there. I've obviously already promised I'll be there. It just means I can't get as hanging drunk on Saturday night, behind the bar for The Comedy School now... Ho Hum.

I thanked them for a lovely night and bimbled off to get my tube home.

I stopped and checked my car on the way into the flat. My purse was there as plain as day on the passenger seat. A bit like in one of those crime prevention adverts, the really sad ones where the car gets broken into because some nit wit has left a laptop or a phone on the seat, except today, my advert had a happy ending, a bit like WarHorse did ... Ooops sorry, plot spoiler alert. I can confirm. No purses get stolen during the play WarHorse. Not on stage at least.

Last minute Blogger Edits in italics. Can you tell I've written it for an audience who don't really know me? I hope they liked it anyway. I hope you liked it too...

I LOVE MY NEW MAC

I LOVE MY NEW MAC. I LOVE MY NEW MAC. I LOVE MY NEW MAC.

MORE LATER XXXX

Death of a Macbook

The insurance company has spoken. The macbook is "beyond economical repair". That people means it is dead. Poor old thing. I have shown it one last kindness and am having it's hard drive removed and turned into an external drive. Computer salvage ftw. It is like saving the soul I think or not having to reload all my cd's back into itunes. Not bad for sixty nine quid.

My new one is being delivered on Tuesday, oh yeah, the nice insurance people have bought me a new one. I already love my new one. I haven't even seen it yet, but I know I'll love it. It has 2 gigs of ram. and 2.2 giggerhurtz of something else. and 250 gigs of hard drive. I KNOW. You know I don't know, don't you? I know enough. It means it is big and fast, but actually the same size to look at as the other one. How do they squish it all in?

And whatever happened to giving me the money, so I could have gone and got a cheap rubbish laptop and a new TV instead?


Nope, I'm not complaining a new mac is very exciting... the delivery arrangement wasn't my best bit of planning ever as I'm also intending to get very drunk on Tuesday night, directly after work. Now I'll have my new baby mac to look after. I'm not leaving it at work. No way Jose.

With regard the OKCupid capers...

Norm, in the spirit of polite responses, I wrote to one of the people who had actually sent me quite an interesting email on OKCupid. I still didn't want to date him. He asked me about big cats at the zoo and I answered his question nicely and then said I probably wouldn't date someone 6'6" because I would look like a tiny freak next to them. He took it very well and we wished each other luck... Su, I think you are right about the ones that take it badly though. In general, I'm going to avoid talking to anyone I don't have to...

I've also been having an actual conversation (oh you know a computer kind of conversation...) with an OKCupid user. You'll have to give me a bit more time to f*ck that up and make a decent story out of it, but do watch this space...


Today's get involved question comes with a neat link to one of Giada's photos of me from the photo session... (because I know you're all itching to see more of them). Is this winky picture of me just a little tooo obvious for a free dating website?

It has a certain something. Two certain somethings maybe... I don't want to encourage any more wrong'uns.

Moving swiftly on...


What else of my week?


Just the one gig this week: DSS on Wednesday. I do keep really enjoying that gig. Was nice to catch up with Norm and Kalyi there too...

I have three viewings on the flat this weekend. This flat sale business is really dragging now. I just want to get my place under offer and get back to looking for Sprog's and I's love nest.

I have a form to fill in. You know, for work, so I'll leave it there for now.

Welcome new follower akuma. You can really expect standards and levels of excitement on the blog to really pick up once I get my mac back. Actually don't expect anything too much. That way, you'll hopefully avoid disappointment.

Interruption in Service - ongoing...

My laptop was removed today by the insurance company. They will inspect it and either repair or replace according to what is possible and cost effective. It seems we must wait at least another week until I can really get back into the swing of OKCupid and more importantly, back into the swing of this blog.

I have been checking, but not able to fully engage in OKCupid. Some ordinary enough men have sent me some quite nice messages.

These are not men I wish to date.

I am ignoring their messages.

Is that a bit harsh?

It is partly because replying from my Blackberry is near impossible and it isn't always easy to hang about on dating websites in work. Mostly though it is because entering into polite banter is all very well, but somewhere down the line, I see myself having to say - No, I do not wish to meet you and then it could all just get a bit awkward...

Why even waste the time with the polite banter?

I guess it is open to interpretation in terms of what people are on the website for. I think I would rather just think I am aloof than a tease.

I've been doing lots of different things in the last week or so as well.... I did a few minutes of comedy at Pearshaped last Wednesday (gig 78, that was nice). I had a fun packed weekend including two very different days at two very different zoos and a day on a clowning course... but I can't tell you about any of that, because it is 5.50 pm and my flat is being viewed at 7pm.

Bye for now. I'll try and drop by again, later this week.

Hugz xx

Interruption in Service.

Sorry my darlings. Things are a little up the preverbial shit creak at the moment.

On the matter of the public vote...

The votes have been counted... 100% of voters say I should continue with my online quest for love. (6 people have now expressed an interest in favour of me carrying on and it is 7 people really if you include Butterfly, who suggested I try OKCupid over Match. We must assume she is still in agreement...Thanks to Butterfly and PG for your website tips.)

I will not question all of your motives in voting yes to me continuing with these OKCupid adventures. I know you have only my best interests at heart and it has nothing to do with the promise of funny dating stories. And so we press on.

Or do we?

After the initial excitment and controversy of my first OKCupid missive, it has been a slightly slower few days in the world of my online love hunt. There has been no wind breaking (well not in a saucy way any how). I have not been swept off my feet and whisked away to a Love Nest in the South Pacific or some other exotic location. As I say, slow progress, or was I hoping for too much too soon?

I did get a few more classic messages from people on the website. I will share those with you, in due course. Unfortunately disaster has struck. Yes, both blogging and hunting for love have been severely impeded by my macbook dying. Yes RIP Macaroon. I never ever called the mac macaroon when it worked, just suddenly I felt it should have had a pet name. I say that it died, but it actually fell foul of a serious case of mac-slaughter at the hands of my kitty.

Now I'm not saying that Lucy knocked that Guinness onto the computer on purpose. That would be absurd. But lets face it she likes things just the way they are and who can blame her... Our happy trio, Mornington, Lucy and I, we fit just nicely in that double bed of ours... (and the fish - they don't hang out in the bed though...) It would be in her best interest to prevent me finding love and happiness or even a special fun buddy via OKCupid. Who could blame her for conspiring against this ridiculous plan... As far as she is concerned a man is absolutely, no questions asked, surplus to requirements.

You could ask why I'd parked my Guinness right next to the computer in the first place. And to that I say: Shut up. This is not important to the story. Must you be such a continual nit-picker? The cat is to blame!

So, I am scuppered for a few days at least. I hope to have the computer repaired or replaced in the not too distant future. I know I sometimes blog from work too (like now) and if possible I'll even do my online dating from work, but unfortunately this abuse of the organisation's time and resources is not always possible. For this week at least, I need to feign interest and look busy, while our entire care management system is replaced. Oh what fun...

For now I am away to be weighed at Weight Watchers. Wish me luck and I'll see you soon with a full update on the OKCupid situation and hopefully more user involvment and multiple choice options for how I should live my life. :-)

For the comedy fans. Panic not, I haven't given up comedy to pursue romance full time, I just didn't have any gigs booked this week and although that is terrible planning and not ideal for my progression, I'm secretly very grateful. My lip has erupted in a big old cold sore and I wouldn't like going on stage looking scabby anyway. You know actually scabby rather than just a bit of a scruff, like my usual stage image requires. Did I mention Gig 77? It was at Desperately Seeking Stagetime and I had a grand old time...

Oh, I've also seen some of my photos from Saturday's photo shoot, so I'll have to share some of them with you as I go along... Here is a taster. One that family and closest friends liked best so far...

Take Care People. xx

No Cupid, that really isn't OK.

I have taken the plunge... Yes I did it yesterday afternoon, while bored in the office when my boss was working from home, and following conversations in the comments section below, where the general consensus was that I SHOULD try internet dating again. I've signed up to OKCupid. Butterfly said it was free and nicer than Match. She had me at 'free'. Well I'll try anything once and I think at least 3 people were in support of the general idea anyway, except for Becki Sproglet, (sorry Madame Poopypants) and Nate asked to hear about it here, so off we go.

I'm prepared to be proved wrong on this, but my first impressions were that OKCupid is the most confusing website I have ever had the misfortune to get myself involved in. It takes great pride in continually telling you what percentage complete your profile is, so from the get go, you feel like only a fraction of a person... 10% seems to be getting your name, gender, 3 adjectives about yourself and a picture up. (I chose the adjectives: Friendly, Funny and Intelligent - intelligent was a stretch, but I really wanted to crack on.) OK, so I'm 10% done... can I look for men now?

No. Now you must answer at least 25 questions out of a potential 4,000 questions. This will help Cupid match you appropriately. OK, answered 25 questions. I wish I could remember some of those, they were classic and VERY American. Anyway, I skipped some of the more freaky religious ones or ones about abortion and eventually I've answered 25 of them. Can I look for men now?

No. Now you must improve your profile by writing a 500 word essay about yourself. WTF? Oh hang on, no, wow look, I'm already getting messages. Within 10 minutes of being on the site and with only 30% of a profile I got an award from an old friend. Yes, he can confirm I am funny and that wasn't a lie. Ah, friendly, I know people here already. This could be fine.

Can I look at men now? No, you still have to write your 500 word essay. By this stage, I was losing the will to live and logged off of the system, thinking if I could just get my energy levels back up, I'd return to it from the comfort of my own home and do the essay. Then maybe I'd be able to look for men.

I logged off.

About an hour later. I get an email to tell me I've received my first message from someone wanting to talk to me on OKCupid. Wow. this is quite exciting actually. I quickly log into the site again... What does he say? This is what he said. I've cut and pasted it for your enjoyment:

Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking i have an unusual question.....my intention isnt to offend im just curious what you'd do. If you was really attracted to a guy really liked him but he told you he was submisive........and asked you to sit on his face and breakwind would you do it

I truly don't know where to start. I have so many problems with this question, not least the lack of any grammar whatsoever and I'm quite free and easy with my grammar. But holy shit people, what is this?

I feel like we are entering an exciting new age in 'Better Late Than Never' where I will take advice from people kind enough to comment on this blog. It is almost like one of those adventure novels where you decide the end yourself. What do I do next people?

a) Do I continue with my 500 word essay and my OKCupid adventure hoping this is an unhappy one off?

or

b) Do I ditch OKCupid and return to my original plan of getting back on Match?

or

c) Do I scrap the internet dating idea all together and go back to the drawing board of lonely singledom?

or

d) Do I write back and agree to break wind on this hypothetical person that I'm immensely attracted to... and see where that leads?

or

e) none of the above, because I'm still open to suggestions from the audience...