Politics - A Special Limited Edition Election Post

Hold on. Let me explain...

I know you don't come here looking for intelligent political comment. I know you come here for the ramblings of a hapless binge drinker and the occasional allusion to oral sex.

Well just wait one moment, because thanks to the suffragettes I get to vote too. Only - and here is the thing, I'm just going to come right out and say it - I don't understand all this politics stuff and I'm not really sure what to do with my vote. I really think I need to get a handle on this, working in Local Government, there is an underlying expectation that we show a little bit of interest.

So, can you help?

My understanding so far is this:

Things haven't been all that great under our current Labour leadership. There has been them there wars wasting our money, the NHS is poorly, the children are a bit dim, we are in debt and I can't sell my flat. BUT Labour say that wasn't all their fault and they promise to try harder next time. Not unlike Central Estate Agents, the useless toss bags. Central, not Labour. Well...

Sorry, where was I?

I also understand we mustn't vote Tory because they want to close all the donkey sanctuaries and they are planning to do away with Two For Tuesdays at Dominos. David, no one can afford Dominos without Two for Tuesdays... Actually I don't know what the Tories want to do, but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't like it much if I did know about it.

Then ...

You can vote Lib Dem if you want, especially now that man has been on the telly, been good at talking and got himself famous overnight. Yeah him, you can consider him too now, but yellow is such a difficult colour to carry off... and that is why they probably won't win anyway.

Or you can vote for racists or environmentalists and that isn't going to get anyone anywhere is it?

I don't know what to do. I'm not sure we need an election, I think we need Dr Who.

I have joined in one of these twitter trending thingemeejigs to try and immerse myself in the political discussion, but I still don't think it is helping. You say something bad has happened, then say #nickcleggsfault. I think it is meant to be funny. I'm just tweeting my usual tweets, but tagging them anyway in an attempt to lure in followers. If you are reading this blog because of one of those tweets, you are now stuck in a massive internet circular reference and could implode suddenly. Soz.

As for the matter at hand, who to give my vote to...I'm still none the wiser. I think I will check out the local politicians for my area and see who has the nicest eyes... and I'll need to know their intentions towards homeless donkeys as well...

I think I saw a rainbow on the way to the polling station last time, took it as a sign and voted for the gay candidate. I do love the gays. I don't even remember which party he represented. We had better not leave it to chance this time around. What if I'm on the way to the polling station this time and I see a rich person bullying a poor person, I could end up voting Tory by mistake. That is what they stand for right?

If you do have anything more to offer, please feel free to chip in... I'm all ears.

Thanks x