I'm prepared to be proved wrong on this, but my first impressions were that OKCupid is the most confusing website I have ever had the misfortune to get myself involved in. It takes great pride in continually telling you what percentage complete your profile is, so from the get go, you feel like only a fraction of a person... 10% seems to be getting your name, gender, 3 adjectives about yourself and a picture up. (I chose the adjectives: Friendly, Funny and Intelligent - intelligent was a stretch, but I really wanted to crack on.) OK, so I'm 10% done... can I look for men now?
No. Now you must answer at least 25 questions out of a potential 4,000 questions. This will help Cupid match you appropriately. OK, answered 25 questions. I wish I could remember some of those, they were classic and VERY American. Anyway, I skipped some of the more freaky religious ones or ones about abortion and eventually I've answered 25 of them. Can I look for men now?
No. Now you must improve your profile by writing a 500 word essay about yourself. WTF? Oh hang on, no, wow look, I'm already getting messages. Within 10 minutes of being on the site and with only 30% of a profile I got an award from an old friend. Yes, he can confirm I am funny and that wasn't a lie. Ah, friendly, I know people here already. This could be fine.
Can I look at men now? No, you still have to write your 500 word essay. By this stage, I was losing the will to live and logged off of the system, thinking if I could just get my energy levels back up, I'd return to it from the comfort of my own home and do the essay. Then maybe I'd be able to look for men.
I logged off.
About an hour later. I get an email to tell me I've received my first message from someone wanting to talk to me on OKCupid. Wow. this is quite exciting actually. I quickly log into the site again... What does he say? This is what he said. I've cut and pasted it for your enjoyment:
Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking i have an unusual question.....my intention isnt to offend im just curious what you'd do. If you was really attracted to a guy really liked him but he told you he was submisive........and asked you to sit on his face and breakwind would you do it
I truly don't know where to start. I have so many problems with this question, not least the lack of any grammar whatsoever and I'm quite free and easy with my grammar. But holy shit people, what is this?
I feel like we are entering an exciting new age in 'Better Late Than Never' where I will take advice from people kind enough to comment on this blog. It is almost like one of those adventure novels where you decide the end yourself. What do I do next people?
a) Do I continue with my 500 word essay and my OKCupid adventure hoping this is an unhappy one off?
or
b) Do I ditch OKCupid and return to my original plan of getting back on Match?
or
c) Do I scrap the internet dating idea all together and go back to the drawing board of lonely singledom?
or
d) Do I write back and agree to break wind on this hypothetical person that I'm immensely attracted to... and see where that leads?
or
e) none of the above, because I'm still open to suggestions from the audience...
Why not submit what you've written - minus the final questions - as your profile essay? Then, if you're feeling ambitious, post the final paragraph with the a-e options as your first OkCupid Journal entry? Or you could just sit on someones face...
ReplyDeleteI think you should not give up on the internet dating. Speaking as a fellow singleton, the one thing I realised is that wanting someone to share an intimate life with is perfectly normal and doing something about finding someone is healthy. Like me, you will probably have got advice from smug friends who have coupled up who tell you, 'it'll happen, just like that.' It's like a lottery winner telling you all you need to do is buy a ticket. Maybe, it's a guy thing, but when someone patronises me like this, I just want to punch them in the face repeatedly.
ReplyDeleteIt's like rich people telling you that money isn't important. You want to rob them of every penny they have, make them live on the streets for a month, and then invite the patronising c***s to reconsider their views. It's kind of odd but when I was younger and much more dysfuctional, I seemed to have far less problems finding a partner. I think I wanted it more. Certainly, there was an insecurity that there was something wrong with me if I wasn't coupled up. I think the fear of being alone and being the odd one out made me more inclined to accept compromises that I simply would not consider now.
Now, I enjoy my life much more. In my own blog, I've alluded to having some very hard years. One day, I'll feel ready to talk about them but it has made me appreciate life a lot more. For me happiness is walking down the street with my young son eating ice cream on a sunny day, storming a gig, talking to mum on Skype, working out in the gym, and even giving a younger colleague the benefit of my experience on a complex case.
Still wouldn't mind someone to spend time with though.
Stick the profile up, delete the messages from the nutjobs, and hang in there. We're rooting for you.
Grammar, spelling and punctuation... That really is more offensive than the message itself. I'm quite surprised this person has the manual dexterity to manipulate a keyboard.
ReplyDeleteNo doubt he was attracted to your 'intelligent' keyword and hoped to pontificate on the complex relationship between visual stimuli and conditioning, spurred on by the gaseous remains of yesterday's now fully digested lamb korma.
I say press on. This is fantastic material and it's not like these types are going to show up on your doorstep.
I go for invisible option f) Keep going on OK Cupid and hope for more emails like the one above.
ReplyDeleteI was clearly wrong, but only because this is a potential mine of hysterically funny blog posts :)
Kthxbai xx
Ha! My evil side has really come out in response to this internet dating business hasn't it!!
ReplyDeleteI didn't realise how much venom I harboured towards it...quite refreshing, thank you for the outlet :D xx
I am loving this LOOKING FOR LOVE series of postings. I've had some damn good experiences online dating (the ladies I dated? Not so much :P ). Consequently, I generally have a more positive view of it than does Sprogs.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was on Match it proved the most entertaining story lines and experiences I had had in years.... do it if only for the entertainment and that you are better off without a whole lot of these 'potential life-partners'!
ReplyDeleteWell from these comments, I make that five out of five in favour of me continuing with OKCupid.
ReplyDeleteI shall disregard the fact that your motives are somewhat questionable. I sense none of you have voted that way with a view to supporting my quest for true love and life long happiness.
However, if my potential dating horror stories make you the reader happy, then that is what you shall have.
Hurrah! Sign me up for 6 out of 6. You'll love it, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about the windbreaking though.